The Loss

A week ago a drunken driver killed one of my most treasured possessions, My dog Sasha. He bumped her and then drove over her and sped off. Its been a week and still i am trying to deal with the fact that i no longer have her in my life.

My dad came home one day and told me he has a gift for me, cause i have been doing so well in school (my final year of school). He told me because i was constantly trying to better myself and constantly achieving things as i went along, that he was so proud of me and got me something that he knows i will look after and treasure for years. I ran out to the car as he told me i should look on the back seat of the car cause my gift was there. When i got to the back window curled up in a ball of think black fur laid my new rottweiler puppy sleeping. I was so happy i held her in my arms and we clicked instantly.

Over the years i watched her grow and watched her love me like i loved her, i watched her give birth to 12 beautiful little puppies and also watched her not try to kill my cat. She was the best dog i had and the best dog i would ever have. Next month she wouldve been 10yrs old if she was still alive. She was part of the family, i would talk to her and she would sit there looking at me as if she understood what i was saying. Everytime she would see me with a camera in my hand she would pose as if she knew i was going to take a pic of her. She was like someone who knew time cause she would bark and perform every single night at the same time as her way of asking where her food is. It didnt matter what time at night my bf would drop me at home, somehow, someway she would always know it was his car stopping infront of the door and once she knew she would put up such a racket, jumping up and down as if it was her way of asking where have you been.....lol

She was and is one in a million and i will always remember Sasha as she will always hold a special place in my heart, she was part of not only me but my entire family, cause she was and always will be family ~~~love you puppy

A Mothers Cry

Over the past two days, i have been emailing one of my friends who is Australian and lives in Australia. She has recently found out that one of her son's has been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and to make matters worse her baby of a few months old is showing signs of it as well. She is a single mother who has 4 kids and the dad is just a useless piece of junk (in my eyes). He doesnt want to really be apart of his children's lives but when they need him to sign a parental consent for one of them to do something he kicks against the curb not wanting to sign anything and he is just plain difficult, making things even more difficult for my friend.

As we continue to talk about how she feels and what she is going through at the moment i can really sense that she is hurting, i mean this is her child. Regardless of the fact that she is a single mother, like every mother out there she loves her child and it is hurting her to be experiencing this in her life. i feel so bad cause i cant help her in anyway other then allow her to talk about how she feels and what this is doing to her. i must say yesterday talking to her she was freaking out not knowing how she will cope with the whole situation but i have tried to make her see things from all angles and i am glad to say that today she is feeling much much better.

This makes me think seeing as South Africa recently celebrated Womans day that this in a weird way is kind of fitting. It makes me think that us females are strong enough to with stand anything and everything that is thrown our way.We deal with it the best way we can possibly think of dealing with it which is a gift from GOD. he bring us to it and he will bring us through it if we allow it which i really think we should do. We as woman dont really realise our strength or the ability we have to handle things because we believe that we cant get through it but the minute we do, we are so amazed, Why i do not know.

I believe that God will see my friend through this time in life and help her in every way possible to get through this and allow her and her children to experience some happiness and see that tomorrow bring a brighter day. I will be as supportive as i can be all the way down here from South Africa and she knows it.

Stumbling Blocks

Suddenly my life has reached a stumbling block and right now i am at my wits end as i do not know what to do. Over the past month things has been the greatest between my partner and i. We had an argument about something that i thought at the time was so small it didnt carry any weight. I also thought at the time that after the argument and us apologising to each other that everything was fine and sorted and that we have moved on from there. I was wrong, my partners attitude started changing toward me and the relationship and things started looking different,until yesterday when his cup definitely over flowed and he came out with it and told me that he was still upset about that argument. So upset that he told me, he doesnt want to get married next year anymore. That crushed me and it hurt and like every other woman i reacted by bursting into tears.

He later on told me that he feels that he isnt ready to get married. He went on telling me why and well currently he feels like i keep throwing his sacrifices in his face as if i dont care and if it wasnt enough that he broke ties with certain people to be with me. maybe he is right about that but at the end of the day regardless of what he has to say i think he is just not ready to get married. its not that he doesnt want to be with me, its just that his just scared or not ready for marriage. Even though i feel hurt and crushed and all those other words. cried yesterday like a big baby and even cried myself to sleep last night at the end of the day there isnt much i can do but hope and pray that somehow someway god will bring us back to where we were over a month ago. When we were happy, we were doing things together and there was little to know fighting going on.

I love him and i want to be with him, i do believe that he does love me and that he does want to be with me. However things are just different for men then what it is for woman. Woman can adapt much easier then a man and they just find that committing to someone and something is easier then what it is for a man. I have gone down on my knees and prayed to god that he will keep us and bring us back to where were. Right now the only thing i can do is believe and trust in god and all his might and what he can do. This is now an essence of time and patiences and the only thing i can do is give this situation time and let god do his work. I pray that he will allow my partner to see that allowing something so small to come between us and we are something so big, will do nothing but break us down and if he doesnt want us to break down then he will stop allowing little things to come between us. I know God will make a way and i know God has brought us together and he has put us out for each other. I know he will keep us bonded.

Changes

Today has changed my mindset about somethings and mainly life big time. Not only have i experienced the joy of knowing that my friend gave birth to her little boy today but i also experienced pain two hours later. I got told by the person that i love more then anything and i would without a doubt do anything for that person and yes of course i am talking about my boyfriend Gawain, confirmed my worse fear ever. He confirmed or rather just took it upon himself to tell that the wedding we were or i was planning for the 29th October 2011, well he doesnt want to get married next year anymore.

That bit of information hit me so hard i didnt know whether i was sitting, standing, laying, sleeping, dreaming, nightmaring. Didnt know my left from my right, top from bottom i just got hit harder then i could ever imagine. I mean here we are every single month buying things for our future home and at the same time planning a wedding and well bam he hits me with that bit of information. All i said was thank you for letting me know and i left the conversation without getting a why, how come or anything like that. i couldnt bring myself to asking or finding out because i didnt really expect it.

Im sitting at my desk now not knowing which way forward and not really sure what i should think. All i know is that i am really hurt and dont know how to react other then ball my eyes out every few seconds of the day as i cant contain my emotions as this wouldve been one of the biggest days of not just my life but his and his parents and my parents and our families. atleast not many people from my end knew about the wedding including my parents. So yeah thats the easy part, there isnt alot of people to tell from my end. but many know from his side, so he is going to have to tell them that he no longer wants to get married. As for me i guess i will rather allow this to strength me.

Dark Cloud Above Us

You know i know there is a saying that goes, every up has its down and what goes up must come down. But i never really thought it would really come to par. I mean come on give me a break, all my relationships has always been starting off with an up and the minute it went down it stayed down and 9 outta 10 i got my ass kicked to the curb, i got my heart broken. I am a seriously, severely hurt female due to past relationships but you know what after all of those mishaps i have never been stronger. i have learned and with learning become stronger.

I am now so inlove with a man and i didnt know that i could ever love someone again and this much. everyday is a new day and everyday brings new challenges. We have been together for 1 1/2yrs and it has definitely not been the easiest of things but we have managed to get through each day no matter how hard or how easy it is. Over the past few months our relationship has been absolutely top class. i wake up every morning smiling cause it is just amazing. there isnt a word out there that i can think of that describes just how great our relationship has been. Yet here comes that stupid saying every up has its down.

Over the past two weeks things hasnt really been to good due to a slight argument and even though it was supressed and to me solved i was hopelessly wrong and find myself in a position today that i wish i wasnt in. I only hope that is this going to continue to make up and build our relationship instead of break us.Yesterday the supressed feelings and thoughts of the man of my dreams cup just over flowed. he could no longer keep it surpressed. I do admit i triggered it by making such a STUPID comment which has now led us to where we are at today. Not talking, i havent slept properly last night, i have a hell of a headache and i dont know how he is coping. we often underestimate our men by thinking they are heartless and cant feel the way we feel. well news flash ladies, as hard as it can get for us so does it for men. they hurt to, they have feelings as well and they go through everything we go through except our periods.

I feel like shyt to use a better word yet i dont care how i feel i am more worried about him and what his feeling and what his thinking then myself. He is more important right now and all i want is for this dam dark cloud that has just shimmied its dam way over our relationship to bugger off. We were close to perfect, cause nothing in live is perfect yet we try to get close to it and that where we were and that is where both of us would like to be again. We have both sacrificed so much for our relationship and we have both been working so hard at what we have right now. I just want that cloud to find a spot somewhere else and away from us.

We love each other, we want to be together, we are building a future. Enough with the negativity and leave us be!!!!!!!

Something New

A few months ago i started asking myself the one simple question in life that many people always end up trying to figure out for themselves. The question was "Will I ever find some form of happiness in my life?". At the time when I was thinking about that question I had been through quite a few detours in my life and was at a point where once again i just felt like giving up on everything and everyone in my life. This was only the second ever time that I thought or felt that way. I had come to the conclusion or lets just say i settled with the fact that i was never gonna be or never gonna find happiness for myself.

I honestly believed that in most things or aspects of my life that it would be the end of it. I hardly smiled at anything or anyone and i found myself cutting out many people including those close to me. In that time i had cut myself off many people i also decided that i didnt want to even consider getting into any form of relationship either.That was the time i ended up finding myself and getting to know who i really was. the type of person i am and the type of nature i could bring into others lives. Eventually upon doing that i took a leap off the edge of the mountain and for the last time went against something that i set up for myself.

I decided to go ahead and meet someone new, i mean what did i have to lose. i wasnt happy, i had this icyness about me. i just couldnt care less, i would just walk around thinking oh well im probably setting myself up to get hurt again BUT life is about risks. we put ourselves through risks every single day, so i took my last risk and i went ahead and met him. The first time we met i was kinda still on the mindset that i am gonna stay unhappy and nothing anyone says or does is gonna change what i think. (im just difficult like that) the second meeting i basically was the same. The turning point for me was the third meeting. after that i realised the type of person i was seeing and that person was totally different from what i was use to.

Now 6months later i guess my risky leap turned out to be something positive cause now i find myself randomly sitting and smiling for no reason at all. I actually look forward to spending time with that person and seeing that person. i dont know what it is but there is something that always keeps me going back for more and 98% of me enjoys this new venture or let me say new episode in my life. for the first time in a year i am officially happy. i have only felt happiness within a relationship twice and it seems to me that third time lucky is a fact. even though this is still the last for me. im not negative about this, im not unhappy, im not wondering whether this is right or wrong. cause im sure that this is right. im sure that im happy and most all im sure about the person and im sure about my feelings.

2008 thus far was an emotional rollercoaster for me but i seemed to have managed to come out on top. i feel stronger, i am mentally stronger and even though there is only a month and a half left for 2008. i would say that i have entered the better part of the year and the best is still to come cause i know that there is still gonna be much more happiness coming my way as for the first time in a long time i am me again and i am happy and i am positive and that is all thanks to one person and he should know who he is (hopefully) lol

so to new beginnings and thank you for being the new light, the new smile and the joy and happiness that has finally come into my life. Hopefully itll stay this way for a very very very long time. cause everyday is now a pleasure to wake up to ~~

Violation

Wow i am back again to air my views and vows on the past few months that have gone past.
it has surely been somewhat a surprise to me as to what has happened this past few months. i have so much to say but i dont really know where to start. but seeing as it looks like im going to have to break it up into individual blog posts. so as you can see the title of this blog is the main thing or somewhat the more serious of the matters that happened to me over the past few months. so here is the 411 on what happened.

So earlier this year i met one of my chat buddies for the first time in something like 2yrs. why we only met then was simply because he lives in one city and me in another. if he wanted to come to my city he had a choice of either taking a 2hr flight, a 10hour bus trip or a 5-6hour car trip to my city. Which is something that wasnt really on the map at the time. however he caught himself visiting his family who lives close to me and that is how we decided to meet. yes before meeting it seemed like if a relationship were to develop then it would be one of the best relationships i have ever been in.

Unfortunately i found out that as he kept telling me that he is single, he was however in a relationship already. Anyways i went through the whole phase of feeling depressed or whatever but it didnt last long. I thought oh well its over and done with nothing i can do but move on. which i did. However that was not the end, the surprise was yet to come. few months later he makes contact with me again and amazingly acts as if nothing happen. oh well as i was over him and put his crap behind me, we met up and chatted about the months that we did not talk to each other. apparently he went through alot and lost alot and realised who the true friends was that he had in his life. much to my surprise i was one of those true friends i didnt know how i was but hey i cant tell someone that they are wrong in their choice of company.

After a few weeks we ended up as a couple and man was that something i have always wanted but after a month i learned that what we always want in life is not always what we need and not always what it would seem like. anyways why we ended this was because he felt the need to violate my privacy, not that i had anything to hide from him or anyone for that matter. But what he did was unethical in my books. To me honestly it is worse then cheating which he basically already did.anyways he took my phone while i was asleep and he went through my messages and emails.

Unfortunately he found a text message that i dont think any partner would be happy about if they found it. It was a 4month old message between my ex and i. He however claimed that the message was sent while we were dating even though we started dating in August and the message is dated May. he still maintains that it was sent when we were dating. DID I MISS ANYTHING? since when does May come before August? well lol they always say there isnt smoke without a fire and yes there was fire. we broke up and miraculously two weeks later he suddenly finds himself in another relationship. QUICK? I think not, where there is smoke there is fire. he violated my privacy so he could cover up his hidden agenda yet i walked away with a clear conscience why cause i did nothing and he, well lets just say what he does from here on out is merely his choice, I AM DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Rollercoaster

Do you ride or jump out half way?

What can i say about a roller coaster ride? It has its up's and it has it's down's. It has its good and its bad. Much like life who also has its good and bad times, its up's and down's. I think the saying life is like a roller coaster ride is perfectly suited for the world we live in today. Either you do or you dont. Either you fall or you dont. One thing is for sure when it comes to life you can not chose whether you want it to be a roller coaster ride or not cause luckily for us no matter how we try to curb it, it happens and there is nothing we can do about it or is there?

For the past say close to two months i have discovered both heartache and happiness. hows that for a shocker, how can that possibly be. well i speak of experience and yes it is possible. Heartache wasnt and never is easy to handle and no matter how strong a person is mentally it still hits you hard in various ways. you may try to block it out but some how it always has a weird way of creeping out the wood work and you then feel the pain. I had to lose the person i thought was my one true love to rediscover that he wasnt that. as painful as it was guess what? i can actually sit here and smile about it. cause with that pain i walked away with a smile cause right there by my side is the person that i think is actually meant for me. that is where my happiness comes in.

oh what a great feeling it is to be so sure and so certain about something that feels and is so right. i wish i could feel this way everyday. well the person that i love is unique, he is surely a person in his own league. we may not always see eye to eye but the best of it is that we can talk about it and see if there is a way for both of us to grasp a situation. i know most times its not easy especially for you as you desire more closeness and more affection. but think about it, this may not seem like it now but its binding us cause we know that its not easy but we want it. call it a temporary disclaimer.we may not always have the opportunity to see each other but all i say to you is whenever you want to see me but cant baby surely all you need to do is look inside your heart cause im guaranteed to be there. The past month i have felt so many different and amazing feelings i dont think any amount of words can describe the way it feels other then having to go through it and feeling it.

well subsequently the past 2 weeks things hasnt really gone so smooth, this is the roller coaster effect. i can surely say it is definitely testing us and it isnt easy. But i am glad i chose to take that ride and get over with it so i can smile and be happy again and look at you and say "we did it, fancy that!" with a big ass smile. Life isnt always easy but life isnt always hard. if we focus on what really matters and what we really want and what to us is important i think we can over come the obsticles with ease. i pray everyday that you are in my future and look forward to the future with you in it cause i wouldnt want it anyway else. but in order to have that i have to work toward that. it wont be easy but ima take that ride and hopefully come off smiling. why? because,

Life is like a roller coaster

To Mr AF Duncan

Its not because things are difficult, that we do not dare. Its because we do not dare, that why they are difficult.

A loss for words

Have you ever come across a moment in your life when you are at a loss for words?

I would have to say that for the first time in my entire existence i sit here writing this and as you can gather yes i am at a loss for words. Many people would read this and think well maybe if the situation was known it would be easy to understand why the loss of words. Unfortunately i cant talk about what happen to put me in this position but what i can say is if people knew they would only have a one track mind and everyone would just go ahead and tell me to do the same thing. which is why i chose not to make the situation known hoping that i can be strong enough to find the answer with in me as a being.

Not only for the first time am i at a loss for words but for the first time i have experienced what they call crying in ward. Now i am not a person to shed a tear very easily i guess i'm not really an emotional person. even when i went through a few break up's over the years i have always shown the stronger side to me which for me is something that i tend to do naturally. so as i was saying crying for me is mostly a no no. i can sit in a room with people who has been emotionally hurt or they are just crying for some reason and i would just sit there and wonder why they would go to a length such as tears. Which often makes people deem me as being a cold and heartless person as i dont show any form of affection to them while they are crying.

Well i clearly got that answer last night and i felt how it feels to cry inwardly, it gives you the sense of feeling like you are in a box. stuck in something small and the only thing you have to hold on to which you really cant hold on to is the four walls surrounding you. That is one feeling that i do not want to find myself feeling again in a very long time.

But yet again i can say all this and think to myself why is it so easy to say something yet when directed to the situation i find myself in well there we go again, LOSS OF WORDS!!!

What am i going to do to work my way around the loss and get out what i feel and how i feel and what is to be done, is something i do not know. who knows maybe my guardian angel will come to my rescue kick me in my head and say "Go with your gut, your answer is right there"

Lost

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you feel so lost yet you knew something would happen for you to get this feeling? One things for sure it is one weird feeling that i really dont like and it tends to happen to me alot. I think i should ask the question, what can i do to prevent this feeling? For now all i can do is ride it out and see where it takes me. Phhheeeewwww few minutes ago i realised that i have been dismissed from someone's life AGAIN. Now i have that lost feeling again, cause i really didnt know it would happen. But i think i know why yet im not going to assume and jump to all sorts of weird reasons. ill just leave it be and hope for the best, whatever the best really is in this instant.

Kinda makes me think if who i am and how i am is really good for me or is it just the people in my life. One thing i know for sure is that whats best for me right now is just to over look all the negitivity happening around me right now and just move along with what makes me happy. Which is really the simple things in life, listening to music, watching movies and playing games. Maybe that would distract me from current happenings.

As for the person who recently took the step of removing me from their life. Well if there is anything i did wrong to deserve this then fair enough deleting me was the right thing to do. It would then be understandable as to why removing me was the best option for you. If there is another reason for why this has happen then i guess lol there is nothing i can do but to understand why it was done. Just know that i was always honest with you in everything i said and everything i felt. So i am sorry if i had done you wrong!!

Hurt

What is hurt?

If you selected 1000 people and put each one in a room on their own and gave them 10 minutes to think of what the word hurts mean to them and going back to check what their reply would be. You would get 1000 different answers, some would be in the same line as others and some would have a whole new different definition to the word. To me hurt as an entire essence is a good thing for a person. Somehow to me its the only way people get the whole one of two choices: Learn from it or let it pull you down!!

Lets see over the past say two months i have been getting hurt in many ways from different aspects. 90% of the people in my life didnt even know i was going through a hurtful time in my life. Why? Cause i always walked with a smile on my face and continued to be me. Helping others with what is going wrong in their lives, till one day when, the person i least expected would pay attention and give me good advice did just that. I have to say that it is not an easy task chosing to rather learn from it but hey it is all worth it. At the end of the day i look at the hurt i experienced over the past few weeks and can say that surely there are people out there that is probably going through something much worse then what i am going through.

All in all hurt is good, you learn from it and let it guide you along your path to recovery. that way you may get into the same situation again but just this time you would know how to handle it and how to face it cause you have like they say been there, done that, bought the t shirt and burned it. Once you make a decision that is well suited for you and only you, coming outta hurt stick to it. Thats the only way you will get over it, learn from it and smile about it.

Tomorrow is another day and its a brighter day~~

Speech by Anna Quindlen

In light of the up coming women's day celebration that we will be having down here in South Africa on Thursday - 09 August 2007. I thought that this piece would share some up liftment in womens lives out there today!!!

This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author Anna Quindlen, at the 1999

Graduation Ceremony at Villanova University, Pennsylvania, at which she was
awarded an Honorary Doctorate.

I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't ever
confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here this
afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds
of people out there with your same degree : there will be thousands of
people doing what you want to do for a living.

But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life.
Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or
your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of
your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank account but your
soul. People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much
easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold
comfort on a winter night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when
you've gotten back the test results and they're not so good.

Here is my resume : I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never
to let my profession stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer
consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to
laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows
mean what they say.


I am a good friend to my friends, and they to me. Without them, there would
be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cutout. But I
call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, or at
best mediocre at my job, if those other things were not true. You cannot be
really first rate at your work if your work is all you are.

So here's what I wanted to tell you today:

Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the
bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much
about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in
your breast? Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing
itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch
how a red tailed hawk circles over the water or the way a baby scowls with
concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first
finger. Get a life in which you are not alone.

Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not
leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter.

Get a life in which you are generous. And realize that life is the best
thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so
deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you
would have spent on beers and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be
a big brother or sister.

All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing well
will never be enough. It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours,
our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of our kids' eyes,
the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises
again. It is so easy to exist instead of to live. I learned to live many
years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the destination.

I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only
guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to
give some of it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I
tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling
them this:

Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in
the back yard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of
life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and
passion as it ought to be lived.

In Loving Memory

The 30th June 2007 marks the 11th anniversary of the passing of my brother

On Sunday night I sat at home and just got this overwhelming feeling come over me. I always wondered what this empty feeling i feel inside was all about. Thought maybe i have it cause i am single but realised it is not that cause even when i was with someone i still felt the emptiness. Then it came to me, even though my brother has been dead for 11years it was his absence that made me feel empty inside. That was shocking for me to discover but definately made sense after sitting there and thinking about it.

The death of a loved one or even someone close to you is never really easy and i think what makes it hard for us is the way we deal with it. Some people deal with the loss of a loved one by death and some people deal with it within time and then you have some people who just blocks it out and others who deals with it right there and then as it happens. Either way it is never really easy. I had someone ask me "Why do you still find the loss of your brother so hard after 11yrs?" and i told that person that i live my life the way my brother did and there are still many things that reminds me of him and its not just a feeling that i would just like to forget.

The day he died is still as clear as night but now i am starting to smile when i think of it. I think my time for mourning my brother has come to its end and i think my time for celebrating his life has started. I think of the one most important thing at this point and that is, i may have lost my brother on earth but heaven has gained another angel!!!!!! Even though he no longer is here, his memory still lives on and he will always be loved and 10years from now i will look back and say my brother is up there looking down on me and is here with me in spirit.

I will always love you

Dedicated to Clinton

Sep 1977-June 1996

Burn

A Loss

A friend of mine experienced something yesterday that i think no one would like to experience in life and that would be the loss of property to flames. He is a very strong person through this yet when you know him as well as i do the loss is killing him. Just as he gets his life back on track again after so many years of trying to sort himself out it all gets taken away by someone elses vengences to get even. Whats not right is that, that person seeked vengance from someone else and not from him yet at the end of the day he is left with nothing as his house burned to the ground leaving him with only the clothes on his back and the car he drives.

what is sad for me is that just knowing how hard this person worked to sort his life out its still shocking to know that everything he has worked for and hard for that matter is now all gone. yes i know materialistic things arent important but the hard work, sweat and tears put into that is what matters. so this is really a downer. i cant even begin to imagine how families who loses to fires lives must after that. this is one guy what about a family of four or even six.

i hope that there are people out there that can help others get back what they once had. Cause a loss to anything could drive someone to do anything they are not expected to do if they do not have the necessary or required support to help them through a tough time like this. One thing people should always keep in mind is that god has a plan for everyone and if losing something or someone is in his plan you will go through every emotion cause he will make sure of that. All one has to do when you are going through this is trust, believe and have faith that all will be well and go as it must........

The end

A dying friendship

About 8months ago i met this brilliant young man, initially when we met i had thought he was older then me cause when you sat and spoke to him you would think his at a good age. Well he was actually a year younger then me but that never phased us cause the friendship was good.

This guy ended up taking on a role of bestfriend and brother and me i actually took on the role of bestfriend and sister. Whenever he needed someone to talk to i was the one he ran to and when i needed someone to talk to i would always go to him. you always find someone in your path of life that you can really relate to and enjoy ever moment you spend with that person. Also you end up being so happy in that friendship, arguing and disagreements doesnt even cross your mind. But what happens when suddenly you get a message saying the friendship ends?

I for one felt crap but the reason that was given is understandable. what i think is really good is that still at the end of the day you not mad at that person but you actually grant them well wishes for the future. I just hope that him moving to another country is going to help him grow even more then he has and that when he is the person he wants to be again he will call me and say the normal "Hey sis hows it going?"

The loss of a person is never easy and how we deal with it isnt easy either but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger!!!!

Case of the EX!!

It all falls down

Recently i went through a break up which i thought was in my best interest to just cut my loses and call it a day and carry on with life and try to learn from my experience. As it was a long distance relationship and let me emphasize very long distance relationship.

As the person thats doing the breaking up you sit and try to think of ways to salvage what little is left from the relationship, just so that you dont end up breaking the other persons heart. Like me for example i was the one to end it cause i felt like more of a need then a girlfriend and some how someway he managed to turn things around and call me selfish for ending it and not giving us a chance. little did he know that all the warnings that was sent his way was me giving him chance after chance and clearly he didnt take note of that.

But what happens when that persons feelings turns into anger or rage? well they act on it and there are always serious implications. One thing i have learned is that no matter what people say break up is hard for the person doing the break up and the person being broken up with. At the end of the day they become your ex for a reason. I am a firm believer of people deserve second chances in life yes but when it comes to relationships in a romantic way there is just no going back, it is extremely hard to give that person a second chance, why?

Cause they will always hold you to your wrongs and thats why with a break up it should all fall down and end!!!!!

A Saying

The Calm Before The Storm

I always wondered what people meant by that saying the calm before the storm. Cause quite frankly who knows when the storm is going to start or end in the first place so how can they use this saying or term and amazingly it would make sense at the time of it being said.

Well as dippy as i am and can be i think i have come up with what i think is explanation for the saying. For example for the past few weeks i was contemplating ending a long term and very long distance relationship and i thought that was the calm cause i wasnt sure whether i should do it or not. So when i eventually made my mind up and did it, when he realised that it was over he blew up. So actually my contemplation of the break up was the calm before and the storm was his reaction to the break up. Am i right?

Anyways i thought that storm would never end but it has recently started calming down again and things are actually better now then it was last week and the week before. So right now my point is i finally know what the calm before the storm is and it was definately worth it cause i now think its great being single.......

Enough of my rant now, think its time to get back to work (which i never do anyways, lol)

Break Up

Have you ever just gone through a time in your life where you faced with the task of having to break up with someone? You end up wondering is it the right thing to do or is it the wrong thing to do. Yet you firmly believe that a break up is essential and you feel its the only thing to do.

Right so you end up doing it, whats the feeling you get once youve done it? maybe you feel shocked cause you cant believe you actually went through with it or do you feel relieved that its all over? So then a few weeks down the line you realise "ok well i think i made a mistake", what is it you do?

Point of the matter is, you always sit down and think what would be best or what the right thing to do as far as relationship, life and even work is concerned but is that really the right thing to do or are you just tryna convince yourself that its the right thing to do? You face different challenges everyday that has you thinking is this right or is this wrong. i think that a person shouldnt just says is this right or is this wrong.i say ride the wave and see whats at the end of it, maybe its a good ride maybe its not but you wont know until you actually try it!!!!!

Yellow Brick Road

Eminem - Yellow Brick Road

[Intro]
What we have to do is deal with it when these idividuals are young enough. If you wish to be
saved, not in a religious sense but not to constitute what this country at times calls if or
which over. We seem to be approaching an age of the gross. We all have this idea that we should
move up from our parents station and each generation should do a little bit better.

[Verse 1- Eminem]
Come on, let's cut the bullshit enough
Let's get it started, let's start addressing this issue and open it up
Let's take this shit back to bassmint
And we can disscuss statements thats made on this tape
And its whole origin of the music that we all know and love
The music that we all enjoy the music you all accuse me of tryna destroy
Let's rewind it to 89 when I was a boy on the east side of Detroit
Crossin 8 Mile in the border in the hate territory
I'd like to share a story, this is my story and cant no body tell it for me
You will well inform me, I am well aware that I don't belong here
You've made that perfectly clear, I get my ass kicked damn near everywhere
>From Bel-Air shopping center just for stopping in there
>From the black side all the way to the white side
Okay there's a bright side a day that I might slide
You may call it a past I call it haulin my ass
Through that patch of grass over them railroad tracks
Oh them railroad tracks, them old railroad tracks
Them good old notorious oh well known tracks

[Chorus x2]
Come on lets go back
Follow the yellow brick road as we go on another episode
Journey with me as I take you through this nifty little place
I once used to call home sweet home

[Verse 2- Eminem]
I roam the streets so much they call me a drifter
Sometimes I stick up a thumb just to hitch hike
Just to get picked up to get me a lift to 8 mile and van dike
And steal a god damn bike from somebody's backyard
And drop it off at the park that was the half way mark
To meet Kim had to walk back to her mama's them dramas after dark
To sneak me in the house when I'm kicked out my mom's
Thats about the time I first met Proof when poof he'd carry on the set
Set eyes born in and out some flyers, he was doin some talent shows
At center line, I had told him to stop by and check this out sometime
He looked at me like I'm out my mind shook his head like white boys dont know how to rhyme
I spit out a line and rhymed birthday with first place
And we both had the same rhymes that sound alike
We was on the same shit that Big Daddy Kane shit with compound syllables sound combined
From that day we was down to ride somehow we knew we'd meet again somewhere down the line

[Chorus x2]
Come on lets go back
Follow the yellow brick road as we go on another episode
Journey with me as I take you through this nifty little place
I once used to call home sweet home

[Verse 3- Eminem]
My first year in 9th grade, can't forget that day at school
It was cool till your man MC Sham came through
And said that Boom was the brain cuz the clan makes troops
It was rumors but man god damned they flew
Musta been true because man we done banned they shoes
I had the new ones the Cool J, Ice land swayed too
And we just through them in the trash like they yesterday's news
Guess who came through next, X clam debut
Professor X and glorious exists in a state of red, black, and green
With a key sissies now with this bein a new trend
We don't fit in crackas is out with Cactus albums
Blackness is in, African symbols and medallions
Represents black power and we ain't know what it meant
Me and my man Howard and would go to the mall with 'em
All over our necks like we're showin 'em off not knowin at all
We was bein laughed at you ain't even half black
You ain't supposed to have that homie let me grab that
And that Flavor Flave clock we gon' have to snatch that
All I remember is meetin back at Manix's basement
Sayin how we hate this, our races wit dope the x clan take this
Which reminds me back in 89 me and Kim broke up for the first time
She was tryna two time me and there was this black girl
At our school who thought I was cool cuz I rapped so she was kinda eyein me
And oh the irony guess what her name was ain't even gon' say it plus
The same color hair as hers was and blue contacts and a pair of jugs
The bombest god damn girl in our whole school if I could pull it
Not only would I become more popular but I would be able to piss Kim off at the same time
But it backfired I was supposed to dump her but she dumped me for this black guy
And thats the last I ever seen or heard or spoke to the oh foolish pride girl
But I've heard people say they heard the tape and it ain't that bad
But it was I singled out a whole race and for that apologize
I was wrong cuz no matter what color a girl is she still a (bitch?)

[Chorus x2]
Come on lets go back
Follow the yellow brick road as we go on another episode
Journey with me as I take you through this nifty little place
I once used to call home sweet home

You listen

What do you say or do?

Do you listen with your heart or with you mind? You sit and listen to someone talk about what hurt them most in life and you realise that sometimes what you think is the worse thing that happen to you is not. There are people out there who has gone through worse pain then you have.

A few days ago i sat and spoke to someone who poured his heart out to me about a marriage that never worked out for either persons involved and i sat and had to chose as to whether i listen and take it in from the heart or just let it drift in my mind. Either way you get emotionally involve by either drawing closer to the person or by feeling exactly how they are.

Kinda hard to understand or to digest or to figure out. but when you do its such an amazing feeling to sit and listen to people talk about experiences that has happen. you chose to learn from it and allow it to guide you or you forget it and if it happens to you then you realised but it happen to so and so why didnt i learn from it then!!!!

Happiness is right infront of you, you always have two choices in life. Either choice you make is a learning curb.

In the words of DUKE ELLINGTON - Life has two rules: 1) Never Quite 2) Always remember rule 1