Dear Husband

I can still remember the expression on your face the first time we met. You were different, unique and in a league of your own. Besides the fact that I did not allow you to come near me or touch me. These were attributes that drew me closer to you. Although apart of you seemed to be very broken, you still managed to keep the "sunny side up". Little did we know on that day we would end up dating, nor did we know that we would end up dating for 3years much less did we know that we would be married for over 4years. Quite interesting don't you think? I must say though as different and special as you were back then, there was alot to learn and boy did we learn. Sometimes the easy way and sometimes the hard way. But within time you slowly but surely started showing the TRUE you. Who you really were? What you were? A character in person that no person can turn you into only YOU can do that for yourself. Undoubtedly the more I saw the real you, the more I got drawn into you. The closer we became and the better things became. As you know our relationship did not start filled with a bed of roses. What does Christian Grey say? "Im not the whole hearts and flowers kinda guy". Yep that was you, you were not the hearts and flowers kinda guy. You were to wounded to put yourself into a position like that in fear that your wounds might be torn apart again. Did I blame you for protecting your heart? No because, I for one was also a broken person when we met.

The more time we spent together somehow, someway we always ended up making each other feel better. Me, for one always trying my best to show you that no I will not hurt you in anyway and you showing me that you are trying to add some hearts and flowers. WOW our all time high was the years 2010-2011. That was our peak, we were beyond smitten with each other and you, you were a totally different caliber of man. My knight in shinning armour, My superman, My ray of sunshine, My everything. You made me happy, you taught me how to get out of the shell I was living in for so many years. You taught me how to smile and look at life and people differently then the way I was looking at them. You taught me how to have faith in you and that you were not "one of THOSE guys" I look back at the TWO peaks years and still smile because it was our best years. 2012 was a challenge for us. We got more obstacles in that year then anybody we know and the funny part of it all is that nobody knew about the tough times we endured but the nice part of it was we got through it together and it made our bond even stronger. It carried us through parts of 2013 when things just all started to go sour slowly but surely again. The man you grew into was slowly starting to leave and overshadowed by another kind of you. Its hard to explain it all but looking at the man you are now, you have lost your way. I find that when you allow obstacles to get in the way of your life and your attention span channels toward those obstacles. We tend to steer away from what is important in our lives.

You were never great at many things in our lives together but the little things you were great at has fallen by the way side. You have lost that part of your being and one can only pray that one day, some day you will be that man again. One who will go to the ends of the earth to see his wife happy and smiling. One who would not allow anything or anyone to come between us no matter who, what or where. One who opens his eyes and knows that his day started with me and ends with me. Those random acts of kindness that kept me sitting with bated breath waiting to see what will happen next and when it will happen. One that will make his wife and child his number one priority. Ive never missed the man you were as much as I do lately. Mainly because who you were and are has an amazing knock on effect not only with me but so many others. I sit back and think that there are still so many things about you that I do not know. However I can see the damage and hurt it has created and left and still in many ways regardless you have taught yourself how to be the man you are when you want to be the man you feel like on a specific day. I do try my best to be the best and I am first to put my hand up and say I have my moments. Alot lately as well but there are reasons for that. One can only hope we get out of this funk.

Dear Husband, things may not be hearts and flowers for us at the moment and recently but, the best part of my day and life is knowing that I love a man who I didn't think I could ever love after having gone through so many ups and downs. Life is not always simple, its not always easy but when we have each other to walk through life with NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST US SHALL PROSPER! 

20 October 2010

Ive been so busy lately,i barely have time to blog. On this day mentioned above i witnessed my neice's 5th birthday. As she sat opening her gifts all i could think about was the day she was born and her growth over the pass 5 years. Not a day goes by without her doing or saying something to catch your attention. Its true what the say children are a gift from god and we should cherish every moment we have with them. Leah you are one special little girl,you bring much joy to everyone in your life. I pray that god will be by your side and guide you all the days of your life. Happy birthday kiddo. We love you xxxx

The Loss

A week ago a drunken driver killed one of my most treasured possessions, My dog Sasha. He bumped her and then drove over her and sped off. Its been a week and still i am trying to deal with the fact that i no longer have her in my life.

My dad came home one day and told me he has a gift for me, cause i have been doing so well in school (my final year of school). He told me because i was constantly trying to better myself and constantly achieving things as i went along, that he was so proud of me and got me something that he knows i will look after and treasure for years. I ran out to the car as he told me i should look on the back seat of the car cause my gift was there. When i got to the back window curled up in a ball of think black fur laid my new rottweiler puppy sleeping. I was so happy i held her in my arms and we clicked instantly.

Over the years i watched her grow and watched her love me like i loved her, i watched her give birth to 12 beautiful little puppies and also watched her not try to kill my cat. She was the best dog i had and the best dog i would ever have. Next month she wouldve been 10yrs old if she was still alive. She was part of the family, i would talk to her and she would sit there looking at me as if she understood what i was saying. Everytime she would see me with a camera in my hand she would pose as if she knew i was going to take a pic of her. She was like someone who knew time cause she would bark and perform every single night at the same time as her way of asking where her food is. It didnt matter what time at night my bf would drop me at home, somehow, someway she would always know it was his car stopping infront of the door and once she knew she would put up such a racket, jumping up and down as if it was her way of asking where have you been.....lol

She was and is one in a million and i will always remember Sasha as she will always hold a special place in my heart, she was part of not only me but my entire family, cause she was and always will be family ~~~love you puppy

Changes

Today has changed my mindset about somethings and mainly life big time. Not only have i experienced the joy of knowing that my friend gave birth to her little boy today but i also experienced pain two hours later. I got told by the person that i love more then anything and i would without a doubt do anything for that person and yes of course i am talking about my boyfriend Gawain, confirmed my worse fear ever. He confirmed or rather just took it upon himself to tell that the wedding we were or i was planning for the 29th October 2011, well he doesnt want to get married next year anymore.

That bit of information hit me so hard i didnt know whether i was sitting, standing, laying, sleeping, dreaming, nightmaring. Didnt know my left from my right, top from bottom i just got hit harder then i could ever imagine. I mean here we are every single month buying things for our future home and at the same time planning a wedding and well bam he hits me with that bit of information. All i said was thank you for letting me know and i left the conversation without getting a why, how come or anything like that. i couldnt bring myself to asking or finding out because i didnt really expect it.

Im sitting at my desk now not knowing which way forward and not really sure what i should think. All i know is that i am really hurt and dont know how to react other then ball my eyes out every few seconds of the day as i cant contain my emotions as this wouldve been one of the biggest days of not just my life but his and his parents and my parents and our families. atleast not many people from my end knew about the wedding including my parents. So yeah thats the easy part, there isnt alot of people to tell from my end. but many know from his side, so he is going to have to tell them that he no longer wants to get married. As for me i guess i will rather allow this to strength me.

New Life

On this day at 10h20 South African time and 9h20 British time, a little baby boy was born. My bestfriend of 5yrs gave birth to her 3rd child after quite a few years. Bringing another life into this world is not something that i have experienced yet. However new life brought into this world is a gift from god and changes everything. I have experience of two new lives coming into mine and my home in a form of my nephew and neice.

They are so precious and so special, a day doesnt go by where there isnt something new they teach me something and where they dont learn something from me. Before they were born things at home was dull and boring. Yet now you find little feet running around, you hear fine and tiny little voices and most of us well everyone doesnt like being woken up early but hey that the duty of a kid. I personally cant wait for the day when its my turn. I dont know whether i will be ready but what do know is that my life will change even more then what it has over the past two years.

To Lisa, even though you have done the mummy thing already with Kieran and Shannon, there is no greater feeling then having to do it again. I know that you already are the coolest mum i know and that baby could not have asked for someone better to be his mum. I hope he will bring you as much joy as his brother and sister and i hope that he keeps them short and remind them daily that his the youngest and he can get anyways with anything and everything LOL. i cant wait to see baby until then and until he gets his name, Congrats Lisa and Terry he is a gift in a way that you least expect it and let the good times and nappy changing begin :)

25 Years Old

On the 21st November 1983 at23h34pm the evening a baby girl was born. That baby girl is now a full grown or maybe i should say still growing adult. 25yrs later she had her up's and downs and has experienced life like not many has before. Yes the 25 year old i speak of is none other then me myself and I. Friday i celebrated my 25th birthday and much to my surprise it was not half as bad as i thought it would be i dont know hey for some reason i thought it was gonna be something really bad or just something really weird but it wasnt.

I was woken up on friday morning with an sms from my boyfriend wishing me (he was the first to wish me) his message sparked a storm of messages from all over the world. got so many messages wishing me and so many phone calls wishing me i lost count by 9am the morning. At the end of the day i can sit here and say i had the most amazing birthday, different but amazing. i had everyone i loved around me celebrating my day and telling stories about when i was a little girl and the things i use to do. some was funny and some were shockers.

The only thing i can say right now is that god has blessed me even though we tend to not see his wonderful work and ways and paths that his opened for us there comes a time when one needs to sit and think about all he has done and say thank you god for all you have done for me. everything we go through in life is what he wants us to go through is what he wants us to learn from is what he wants us to experience and what he wants us to pay attention to. the first thing i did friday morning was go down on my knees with a tear in my eye and i thanked the all mightly for carrying me through 25years of my life. i do not live on my own graces i live on his graces and for that i thanked him for everything he has done for me and most importantly having a hand in bringing me into this world.

To everyone in my life, friends and family! Thank you all for being there when i needed you most thank you for all the wishes and happiness you bring into my life. thank you for putting up with me as i know im not the easiest person to live with. Thank you just for letting me be me and letting me say what is needed to say when the time is there for me to say it. Thank you for being in my life. everyone brings alittle something extra to my life and holds a small part of them in me and that is the way it is going to stay.

Im 25years old here i am ready to take on what ever challenges my age will bring me what ever experiences it will throw my way and most of all im happy that i am still who i am today~~

21 November 2008

Ricardo Martin

Growing older and smarter

The day you were born was one of the biggest moments, one of the biggest shocks and one of the best moments i could have ever experienced in my life at the age of 17. I didnt wanna look at you the day you were born cause i knew the minute i would do that would be the minute i would never take my eyes off of you. My little nephew, my heart, my soul, my definition, my world. That is who you are to me from the first day you were born. I smiled and i cried and i was happy all in one rush of feeling.

I look at you now and ask myself how is it possible that you have grown up so fast and so handsomely, it amazes me yet even though you turned 8years old yesterday you still tell everyone "I am Cindy's baby". Yes you are just that, the bond we have can and never will be broken cause not only are you my nephew but you are a scorpio just like me and you are one special little boy. I would go to the end of the earth to find whatever it is you want. Yesterday when you got your birthday present from me your face lit up ten times more then it did last year when it was your birthday.

That was purely greatfullness you showed toward me. happy birthday Ricardo may you grow from strength to strength. May god bless you and keep you being one of his angels. He knew what he created when he created you. You are the one person that made a strong bond between a family that needed to change their mindset, ways and thoughts on how life and family is. You brought us closer together then what we were before you were born. you brought us joy and happiness and you are the only little boy in the house.

We all love you and You will always be special to me my baby MWAH

05 November 2008

Leah Jessica Martin

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEAH



Yesterday was my 2yo neice's birthday, she is now obviously 3yo. I looked at her yesterday and thought what a blessing she is to me and my family. In the beginning when we first found out that my sister was pregnant with her, i didnt really like the idea of having another child in the house. as this would have been her second child. Yes that was a stupid and childish thought of me lol but yeah thats how some people are when they are at a certain age in their lives and because i am extremely attached to my 7yo nephew her brother i was just that way at the time.


Anyways, Leah as naughty as you are. You are full of life and you have the zest and motivation to do what you want. You always remind me what it is like to fall and then to get up and dust yourself off and do it again. its funny how or greatest teachers are children at the ages of 1-10yrs old. Why i say so is cause they define the word daring and willingness to do and get what they want in love.



So happy birthday Leah, i hope you enjoyed your day yesterday cause you had everyone you loved most around you. I hope you grow into something even more prettier and beautiful then what you already are. MWAH LOVE YOU!!!




20 October 2005

Friends

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON:

I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their email. Your response will be interesting.
Pay attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you. Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. (or for you to offer the same FOR or to THEM). They may seem like a godsend and they are.. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Lisa, Jodie, Heather, Sicelo, Arnold, Jimmy, Emron

How alike can people be

i recently met this young man who is a few years younger then me. Much to my surprise and also to his we discovered that we are so much alike its actually scary. when we chat he knows what i will say next and i tend to know what he is thinking when we are talking.

freaky? i think not

we have adjusted to it and we are actually telling everyone we are siblings. i for one is starting to enjoy the friendship and the brother/sisterhood that we have going on. its one experience i have never in my existance thought i would come across. best part is even though we are so much alike we tend to learn new things every single day.

so i say to everyone, go out there find the person who is just like you. experience the fun, the laughter, the serious moments, the conversations and the fact that you can be you cause the person is that way as well. trust me you wont look back saying why did i do something that stupid, you would actually look back with a smile saying "that is the best experience ive had"

Emron we have a long way to go but seeing as you are very much like me and i am very much like you. it is easy to say that we are going to have a blast every step we take together lil brother!!!

Sings for the moment

[Verse #1]
These ideas are nightmares for white parents
Whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings
Like whatever they say has no bearing
Its so scary in a house that allows no swearing
To see him walking around with his headphones blaring
Alone in his own zone, cold and he dont care
He's a problem child, what bothers him all comes out
When he talks about his f**kin' dad walkin out
Cos he hates him so bad that he blocks him out
But if he ever saw him again, he'd prolly knock him out
His thoughts are whacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back
Talkin black, brainwashed from rock and rap
He sags his pants, 2 rags and a stocking cap
His step-father hit him so he socked him back
And broke his nose, this house is a broken home
There's no control, he just lets his emotions go
Come on...

[Chorus:]
Sing now, sing for the year
Sing for the moment, sing for the tears
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

[Verse #2]
Entertainment is danger, intertwine it with gangsters
In the land of the killers, a sinner's mind is a sanctum
Only you're unholy, only have one homey
Only this gun, lonely, 'cause don't anyone know me
But everybody just feels like they can relate
I guess words are a motherf**ker, they can be great
Or they can be great, or even worse, they can teach hate
Its like kids hang on every single statement we make
Like they worship us, plus all the stores ship us platinum
Now how the f**k did this metamorphasis happen?
From standin' on corners and porches just rappin'
To havin' a fortune, no more kissin' ass
But then these critics crucify you, journalists try to burn you
Fans turn on you, attorney's all gonna turn it to
To get their hands on every dime you have
They want you to lose your mind every time you mad
So they can try to make you out to look like a loose canon
You need to spew, dont hesitate to produce air-guns
Thats why these prosecutors wanna convict me
[Sing For The Moment lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Swiftly just to get me offa these streets quickly
But all their kids been listen'n to me religiously
So i'm signing cds while police fingerprint me
They're for the judges daughter, but his grudge is against me
If i'm such a f**kin' menace, this shit doesnt make sense, Pete
It's all political, if my music is literal and i'm a criminal,
How the f**k can i raise a little girl?
I couldn't. i wouldn't be fit to
You're full of shit too, Guerrera, that was a fist that hit you!

[Chorus]

[Verse #3]
They say music can alter moods and talk to you
But can it load a gun for you and cock it too?
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault, and i'll get sued
See what these kids do, is hear about us toting pistols
And they want to get one, cos they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we're really just protectin' ourselves
We're entertainers, of course this shit's affecting our sales
You ignoramus. but music is reflection of self
We just explain it, and then we get our cheques in the mail
It's f**ked up ain't it, how we can come from practically nothin'
To bein' able to have any f**kin' thing that we wanted
It's why we sing for these kids that don't have a thing
Except for a dream and a f**king rap magazine
Who post pinup pictures on their walls all day long
Idolise their favourite rappers and know all they songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in they lives
So they sit and they cry at night, wishing they die
Till they throw on a rap record, and they sit and they vibe
We're nothing to you, but we're the f**kin' shit in their eyes
That's why we sieze the moment, and try to freeze it and own it
Squeeze it and hold it, 'cos we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through out lyrics that you hear in our songs
And we can

[Chorus]

[Chorus Without Beat]

[Instrumental]

Another Year Gone

Today is my birthday and i feel some what happy and some what down. Yet at the end of the day as down as i feel i look at the past year of my life as a learning year as i do every year. I was thinking of how much of a dull and boring day i would have today cause usually i am one of those people who tend to make a big thing about everyone elses birthday and never get the same in return but this year id say is pretty much different.

receiving calls, messages, emails etc from people i havent spoken to in months is what made my day so far a good one. this morning before leaving for work i went down on my knees and thanked god from bringing me thus far and asked him for guidance and protection as i continue to live my life and i think because i did that i look at today as unforgettable. the people i least expected to care showed that they actually do care.

To Myself i would like to give these few words:

A BIRTHDAY OPENS THE PATH TO ANOTHER YEAR!

Walk in the direction of the blue sky, not the grey, Choose the bright road where Sunshine brightens your way. Wishing you a wonderful Birthday, that takes you further along the paths of all your hearts desires and dreams

Well to everyone who has made my day so far a good and enjoyable one (even though it is raining over here) Thank you for being part of this day, thank you for being part of my life and thank you for being you and that is something special.

In Loving Memory

The 30th June 2007 marks the 11th anniversary of the passing of my brother

On Sunday night I sat at home and just got this overwhelming feeling come over me. I always wondered what this empty feeling i feel inside was all about. Thought maybe i have it cause i am single but realised it is not that cause even when i was with someone i still felt the emptiness. Then it came to me, even though my brother has been dead for 11years it was his absence that made me feel empty inside. That was shocking for me to discover but definately made sense after sitting there and thinking about it.

The death of a loved one or even someone close to you is never really easy and i think what makes it hard for us is the way we deal with it. Some people deal with the loss of a loved one by death and some people deal with it within time and then you have some people who just blocks it out and others who deals with it right there and then as it happens. Either way it is never really easy. I had someone ask me "Why do you still find the loss of your brother so hard after 11yrs?" and i told that person that i live my life the way my brother did and there are still many things that reminds me of him and its not just a feeling that i would just like to forget.

The day he died is still as clear as night but now i am starting to smile when i think of it. I think my time for mourning my brother has come to its end and i think my time for celebrating his life has started. I think of the one most important thing at this point and that is, i may have lost my brother on earth but heaven has gained another angel!!!!!! Even though he no longer is here, his memory still lives on and he will always be loved and 10years from now i will look back and say my brother is up there looking down on me and is here with me in spirit.

I will always love you

Dedicated to Clinton

Sep 1977-June 1996

Burn

A Loss

A friend of mine experienced something yesterday that i think no one would like to experience in life and that would be the loss of property to flames. He is a very strong person through this yet when you know him as well as i do the loss is killing him. Just as he gets his life back on track again after so many years of trying to sort himself out it all gets taken away by someone elses vengences to get even. Whats not right is that, that person seeked vengance from someone else and not from him yet at the end of the day he is left with nothing as his house burned to the ground leaving him with only the clothes on his back and the car he drives.

what is sad for me is that just knowing how hard this person worked to sort his life out its still shocking to know that everything he has worked for and hard for that matter is now all gone. yes i know materialistic things arent important but the hard work, sweat and tears put into that is what matters. so this is really a downer. i cant even begin to imagine how families who loses to fires lives must after that. this is one guy what about a family of four or even six.

i hope that there are people out there that can help others get back what they once had. Cause a loss to anything could drive someone to do anything they are not expected to do if they do not have the necessary or required support to help them through a tough time like this. One thing people should always keep in mind is that god has a plan for everyone and if losing something or someone is in his plan you will go through every emotion cause he will make sure of that. All one has to do when you are going through this is trust, believe and have faith that all will be well and go as it must........

The end

A dying friendship

About 8months ago i met this brilliant young man, initially when we met i had thought he was older then me cause when you sat and spoke to him you would think his at a good age. Well he was actually a year younger then me but that never phased us cause the friendship was good.

This guy ended up taking on a role of bestfriend and brother and me i actually took on the role of bestfriend and sister. Whenever he needed someone to talk to i was the one he ran to and when i needed someone to talk to i would always go to him. you always find someone in your path of life that you can really relate to and enjoy ever moment you spend with that person. Also you end up being so happy in that friendship, arguing and disagreements doesnt even cross your mind. But what happens when suddenly you get a message saying the friendship ends?

I for one felt crap but the reason that was given is understandable. what i think is really good is that still at the end of the day you not mad at that person but you actually grant them well wishes for the future. I just hope that him moving to another country is going to help him grow even more then he has and that when he is the person he wants to be again he will call me and say the normal "Hey sis hows it going?"

The loss of a person is never easy and how we deal with it isnt easy either but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger!!!!

His Growing up

Its great to be around for it!!!!!!!!

Recently my nephew turned 6yrs old and i looked at him on his birthday and thought to myself "look how much his grown"......

He holds a special place in my heart not just because his my nephew and not just because we share the same star sign but because he is who he is. I think about the day he was born, nobody even knew that my sister was pregnant until that day. I for one was six years younger and taken by the shock wanted nothing to do with him.

But as time went on i grew closer to him as he grew closer to me. He grew to a point where he started calling me mommy and still sometimes does "only when i dont make him mad at me, lol". Sometimes i can be quite mean with him cause at the end of the day my parents tell me that his exactly the way i use to be and by that you can make out that we clash alot. When you look at it though no matter what amount of clashing and fighting the two of us go through, when he cries i cry, when he smiles i smile, when his mad im mad and all of that is because his my lil man!!!!!

Happy Birthday lil man and know that no matter where or when or what the situation is, i will always be there for you!!!!

Love you