Happiness

Im sitting at my desk thinking about how different my life is now and how much more better my relationship is with my partner at the moment and this overwhelming feeling of happiness comes over me and i am all teared up. Over the past almost 2yrs we have possibly gone through almost each and every bad issue or problem a relationship could ever have and well at the end of the day we have gotten through it and gotten over it and we still remain together. Reminds me strongely about the saying that goes "God brought you to it and he will bring you through it" Im so glad i have the lord my god on my side cause i didnt think i could ever experience the happiness i am now.

Things between us now are so much more different and better, i can now truly feel like i am with someone who loves me for who i am and is not trying to change me. He has realised that the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, there are not many females out there who is like me. Most females today walk away when the tough times arise. But me i stuck it out, i fought for my relationship and what i believe in. I believed and never gave up on him and i did it all with the strength that god has given me. So today i can sit with tears of joy in my eyes cause i am sooo happy i dont think there is a word out there to describe the way i feel. I didnt think that my partner would be the person that he is now. Finally he can be him, without having to worry about whether he will get hurt in the process.A few weeks back when we had a heart to heart conversation he told me how he had felt about me and told me why he was the type of person he was and that is because he was hurt in the past and he doesnt blame me but he wants me to know that everything that we have gone through and everything we have put into the relationship will all be worth it in the end cause he can feel himself giving more to me and the relationship because i will not do to him what his past did and his confidant of that. he promised me that one day when i get to really experience who he really is then i would be happy cause he will be happy and he would make me happy and that day has come and i thank god that it is here.

On Saturday he spoke to one of his friends and told his friend that he cherishes me cause there is only one me and im one in a million and while he was saying that i was saying to someone else the same thing. How in sync are we? definitely in sync. My bestfriend met him for the first time and he told me that we are so well suited for each other so much so we fit like a glove and in these days and times of today we dont often find that but when we do we should hold on to what we have. I believe that we started with god and he is working his ways in our relationship and he always will.We are stronger today then what we were months ago and with each passing day we are growing closer and stronger and the bond we have is becoming more and more stable.

To be with someone like this and to feel the way i do about someone is a first for me. i always thought i knew what love was but i was proved wrong the day i met him. I find myself loving him more and more every single day and him me and god is making it possible for us to feel the way we do about each other.It is a feeling that i do not want to end and its a feeling that i want to keep in my heart and mind for many years to come. Im so happy and in love i think its crazy but its not. I found my knight in shining armour. i found my rose between the thorns and most of all i found the man i want to be with for the rest of my life.

For Gawain

Kenny Latimore
" For You "


For you I give a lifetime of stablility, anything you want of me,nothing is
impossible. For you there are no words or ways to show my love or all the thoughts I'm thinking of 'Cause this life is no good alone since we've become one I've made a change everything I do now makes sense, all roads end, all I do is for you!

For you I share the cup of love that overflows and anyone who knows us
knows that I would change all faults I have. For you there is no low or high or in between of my heart that you haven't seen 'Cause I share all I have and am, nothing I've said is hard to understand and all I feel, I feel deeper still and always will all this love is for you!

Every note that I play, every word I might say, every melody I feel. Are only for you and your appeal. Every page that I write, everyday of my life would not be filled without the things That my love for you now brings

For you I'd make a promise of fidelity, now and for eternity. No one could replace this vow. For you I'd take your hand and heart and everything and add to them a wedding ring 'Cause this life is no good alone, since we've become one you're all I know And if this feeling should leave I'd die and here's why All I am is for you!

Everything I do now makes sense, all roads end and all I do...

Is for you

Only for you

A Mothers Cry

Over the past two days, i have been emailing one of my friends who is Australian and lives in Australia. She has recently found out that one of her son's has been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and to make matters worse her baby of a few months old is showing signs of it as well. She is a single mother who has 4 kids and the dad is just a useless piece of junk (in my eyes). He doesnt want to really be apart of his children's lives but when they need him to sign a parental consent for one of them to do something he kicks against the curb not wanting to sign anything and he is just plain difficult, making things even more difficult for my friend.

As we continue to talk about how she feels and what she is going through at the moment i can really sense that she is hurting, i mean this is her child. Regardless of the fact that she is a single mother, like every mother out there she loves her child and it is hurting her to be experiencing this in her life. i feel so bad cause i cant help her in anyway other then allow her to talk about how she feels and what this is doing to her. i must say yesterday talking to her she was freaking out not knowing how she will cope with the whole situation but i have tried to make her see things from all angles and i am glad to say that today she is feeling much much better.

This makes me think seeing as South Africa recently celebrated Womans day that this in a weird way is kind of fitting. It makes me think that us females are strong enough to with stand anything and everything that is thrown our way.We deal with it the best way we can possibly think of dealing with it which is a gift from GOD. he bring us to it and he will bring us through it if we allow it which i really think we should do. We as woman dont really realise our strength or the ability we have to handle things because we believe that we cant get through it but the minute we do, we are so amazed, Why i do not know.

I believe that God will see my friend through this time in life and help her in every way possible to get through this and allow her and her children to experience some happiness and see that tomorrow bring a brighter day. I will be as supportive as i can be all the way down here from South Africa and she knows it.

Discussions

Monday morning and i must say that it actually doesnt feel like a monday or like they would dub it Blue Monday. I guess its because i got a good nights rest and also yesterday i spent the day with my boyfriend and his parents. We ended up having a discussion about us and whatever issues we had or thought we had. Which for me was actually a good thing as we barely do sit down and discuss issues so when the opportunity presented itself yesterday i welcomed it with open arms and im glad that he did too.

Over the past few weeks i havent really been happy and i have been having a few struggles and worries that was really getting to me with regards to our relationship. Much to my surprise he was actually paying attention to the way i have been acting the past few weeks and yesterday we sat down and discussed all our issues we thought we had. Whats funny is after our discussion we had realise that we didnt have big or major issues that would make things go wrong or that would cause break ups etc. you know those big or massive issues people have in their relationships that they just cant seem to work through. those type of issues we thought we had but after talking we realise that we were so wrong and so far off that it was shocking.

One of the best things he couldve said last night was that "no matter what issues or problems we have and had, we always over came it or over come it and we always work through it" and i thought well that is because we are trying to build a strong foundation and strong relationship. It was good to know that he thought that of us and that he had that confidance in our relationship, that we can overcome issues or problems. Its funny how us females always under estimate our partners. mainly because like me we always tend to want to do everything ourselves and dont believe or trust or have faith or even have alot of confidence in our partners to do alot for our relationships. we would rather feel comfortable doing it ourselves cause we think it would be done correctly not thinking that maybe just maybe if we gave our partners the credit and the opportunity to do something then it might even end up better then what we wouldve done or then what we thought.

Admittingly i am one of those females and as i told him yesterday that sometimes i feel a certain way because of things that use to happen in the past, can he blame me for feeling that way? and he said no he cant but i must learn to leave it in the past cause we as a couple has learned to move forward and again i need to learn to believe in him or have faith in his ability to do whats right. The minute i do that i will see the change i want to see and i think he has a point right there. As i said us females we believe that we should rather do certain things before our partner does it. One thing i can say is that i am feeling much better after discussing things with him and i am ready to allow our relationship to progress forward positively which means im starting to working on my "have faith in his ability" and believe that he is able and willing to also do as much as i do for us.

So now i need to chill and relax like one of my friends told me last week when i was talking to him about how i feel and he said i need to relax and allow my partner to show me that he does love me and he is committed to me and he does want a future with me. Odd thing is when i think about it now secretly i think Gawain knew after about a month that i was the one he wanted to get married to. Like he said one day, he would rather go through the storms of life with me then go through life with some one else~~~

Nough Said!!!!!!

Transformation

Apparently, i am not feminine enough lol, well i must admit that is kinda true. So lets see about 14yrs ago someone near and dear to me passed away from a disease called cysticfibrosis (disease of the lungs). We were like brother and sister and did almost everything together. When he died i told myself that i would remember him by continueing to do the things we enjoyed doing and that of course was when i became a tomboy. Since then i have done things like help fix the car, help paint the house, fix odd things around the house etc. All the kind of things we would expect our fathers, brothers, bf's etc to do i ended up doing.

With that came the dressing souly in jeans (sometimes baggy) and tees and lets not forget one of the most comfortable things they have ever invented, the sneaker. i must admit that as nice it is just to slap on something this easy it is time to start making some changes. so what i did to start all the changes was cut my very long hair at the time to above my ears and i shaved my legs something i told myself i would never do. but hey i ended up doing it and honestly i thought it would take alot out of me to keep doing the shaving etc but it hasnt. which probably means that its now like second nature to me to shave.

then i started wearing heels and oh my word i love heels (clearly the female in me coming out) however i rarely attend events or functions where it would require me to dress up and wear heels. so my next move was trim my brows, also something i thought was going to be hard and would take alot of time but again i was wrong, it comes natural to me now that i would look myself in the mirror and say "hold on sort those brows out". i added more to this transformation by taking my time in the shop looking for the ladies deodorant, hand creams, body lotions and good hair products. So i have that going for myself at the moment and its going really well.

But the main thing that i have been stalling to change was my dress sense, why?? cause i love my jeans and track pants. but over the past few weeks learned that i can still wear jeans but i just have to get a few pairs that shows my feminine side (thats peoples ways of saying feminine curves) and changes from tees to tops and sneakers to pumps. So i agree the jeans i will do, the tops mmmm yeah that i can do too but my sneakers! is it really necessary for me to give that up as well? cause if that is so im not smiling.

hey i have nothing to loose really so it wont kill me to try out this new thing. So all i can say right now is wish me luck, i hope i can pull off this girly thing that im going to be getting into. With the help of a few of my lady friends im sure i will be ok ( i hope, cause im shyt nervous lol can you believe it)

wish me luck!!!!!!!!

Wedding Diary 4

Yes the wedding is back on, after a month of hectic vibes and that bad dark cloud that was over us, things are starting to clear up and get back to the way it was again. Its amazing that the things you expect the least to help you get through bad and rough patches are the things that actually helps you. Sometimes i think we live in an odd world where nothing makes sense and at the same time it all makes perfect sense.

I guess god puts us in certain situations for a reason, to see how we will handle it however knowing that we can handle it. the saying that goes god brings you to it and will bring you through it, really is more then just a saying it is a fact and it is something that i have learned over the pass month. Gawain is learning more about me daily and i am learning more about him daily but what is more important is that we have learned to stick together and get through our obstacles together as one.

Every morning i wake up with him telling me how much he loves me and every morning i tell him how much i love him. We pray together and we believe in what we have and what god has given us. Glad we are taking each other by the hands and walking side by side into our future and continuing to build the relationship we have into a stronger one. I never thought it could get stronger then what it is now but i am wrong, never say never i guess cause everyday is a new day,filled with new challenges and lessons and we are ready to take it on.

Now to check my wedding list to see whatelse needs my attention :)

Wedding Diary 3

So with 529 days to go to the big day, i guess its time to reflect on the colours of the wedding, how exciting :). We just started talking and suddenly the colour choosing came up and much to i surprise well to my surprise, as hard as i thought it was going to be choosing the right colour, it wasnt hard at all. We didnt want to choose the same colours of weddings we have attended already so for me the task was kinda going to be a mission. But Gawain came to the rescue and made the decision for us much easier.

We both wanted black as our base colour as we have attended alot of functions not just weddings where their base colour and decor was white. So we said as we want our wedding to be different and unique we want the base colour black. Then we took my favourite colour and matched it with the black and decided against it for the mere that it is such a common colour and many people use it. So black and blue was a no, no. We then matched his favourite colour with the black and well what cant i say other then breathtaking. His facvourite colour is Wine Red and when you add that to the black you get those most amazing blend of colour and gives a sense of romance and intimacy. Which is nice to add up to a theme which is what our wedding is. but will have that in the next wedding diary.

However cause the two colours are dark i thought we needed a bright colour to break it and just have that sense of romantic yet everything put well together. I suggested we break the dark colours with Silver cause once again we steered away from white. He liked the silver and bam a smile from me and a smile from Mr Johannes. We knew immediately that we had come to a conclusion and that was the colours of our wedding.

Black, Wine Red & Silver.

Cant wait for the 500 days to be over so we could be closer to the wedding. I love the colour and it will make our guests see just how much we love each other and what we feel for each other which is exactly what we want.

Dark Cloud Above Us

You know i know there is a saying that goes, every up has its down and what goes up must come down. But i never really thought it would really come to par. I mean come on give me a break, all my relationships has always been starting off with an up and the minute it went down it stayed down and 9 outta 10 i got my ass kicked to the curb, i got my heart broken. I am a seriously, severely hurt female due to past relationships but you know what after all of those mishaps i have never been stronger. i have learned and with learning become stronger.

I am now so inlove with a man and i didnt know that i could ever love someone again and this much. everyday is a new day and everyday brings new challenges. We have been together for 1 1/2yrs and it has definitely not been the easiest of things but we have managed to get through each day no matter how hard or how easy it is. Over the past few months our relationship has been absolutely top class. i wake up every morning smiling cause it is just amazing. there isnt a word out there that i can think of that describes just how great our relationship has been. Yet here comes that stupid saying every up has its down.

Over the past two weeks things hasnt really been to good due to a slight argument and even though it was supressed and to me solved i was hopelessly wrong and find myself in a position today that i wish i wasnt in. I only hope that is this going to continue to make up and build our relationship instead of break us.Yesterday the supressed feelings and thoughts of the man of my dreams cup just over flowed. he could no longer keep it surpressed. I do admit i triggered it by making such a STUPID comment which has now led us to where we are at today. Not talking, i havent slept properly last night, i have a hell of a headache and i dont know how he is coping. we often underestimate our men by thinking they are heartless and cant feel the way we feel. well news flash ladies, as hard as it can get for us so does it for men. they hurt to, they have feelings as well and they go through everything we go through except our periods.

I feel like shyt to use a better word yet i dont care how i feel i am more worried about him and what his feeling and what his thinking then myself. He is more important right now and all i want is for this dam dark cloud that has just shimmied its dam way over our relationship to bugger off. We were close to perfect, cause nothing in live is perfect yet we try to get close to it and that where we were and that is where both of us would like to be again. We have both sacrificed so much for our relationship and we have both been working so hard at what we have right now. I just want that cloud to find a spot somewhere else and away from us.

We love each other, we want to be together, we are building a future. Enough with the negativity and leave us be!!!!!!!

Wedding Diary 2

So today this diary is about the catering we will be having at the wedding. So i have contacted possibly over about 30 different caterers with regards to doing the food at the wedding and thats besides all the venues i have contacted. The venues we have looked at or the ones i have emailed which is possibly over 40 all has their own restaurants with set menus that they work with and they are not exactly the cheapest set menus i have ever seen. The minimum quote i received was possibly about R170 per person.

Now if i were to pay R170 per person for food then i would be paying more for food then i would be paying for the venue and my FI would get a heart attack with prices like that. After sitting down and discussing this aspect of the wedding. We went on to decide that we have no guarantee that if we pay so much per person that all our guests would get a satisfactory meal or would be filled with what is served to them. As my FI is not as open minded as i am and he doesnt really like to try new things. He said he thinks it would be best if we stick to the things we know. That is actually his favourite line when it comes to eating out or going places on weekends. he suggested that we do what his parents had done for catering at his fathers 50th birthday. That was to contact companies who do spitbraai's. We know that the amount of food these companies cater for is always more then the amount of people who are at the functions. So naturally i thought he was on to something and that i should contact a few companies and get a few quotes.

Low and behold i came across a few of these companies who does a full 3 course meal for functions for as little as R120 per person and these prices includes crockery and cutlery and staff needed on the day. That is basically the price his parents paid per person for his dads function and the food on the day was nice and everyone was happy. I told my FI about it and he was smiling from ear to ear. Another touch of difference from us on the day just the way we want it as not many people have spit braai's at their weddings. Another aspect would be that we want everyone to say wow that is so you too and we know with that they will definately be saying that.

So its settled for our guests who hasnt experienced a spit braai yet, they will on our day. To our guests who hasnt attended a wedding yet where the menu is a spitbraai well they will be on our day. The more i get into the planning of our wedding, the more excited i get with all the new ideas that gets thrown at me daily. This morning one of my bridesmaids told me that my FI told his bestman about the venue and food plans etc and he is very excited about our wedding and he seems extremely inlove with me mmmmmmmmmmmmm that was nice to hear but he shows me daily and people saying it to just makes this wedding and my mr all the more special then what it and he already is!!!

Wedding Diary 1

So alot has happened as far as the wedding is concerned, to others, i would seem crazy as the wedding is only taking place on the 29th October 2011. But hey i am a perfectionist and even though nothing in life is perfect we can atleast try to get things as close to perfect as possible. That is why i have decided along with my partner on quite a few things already. People might ask why we would want certain things but our MAIN aim's for our wedding is unique and different. So we are, well i am, trying to have our wedding as unique and different as possible.

Right we have visited three venues already, namely Welgelee, Webersburg & Hathersage. I will admit that all three of these venues viewed was absolutely beauty. Welgelee (www.welgelee.com) allows us to bring in our own decor people and caterers which is the idea we have and want. They give a whole bunch of added things with the set venue price. The scenery is beautiful as the venue is set in a place called Klapmuts. we have the view of the mountains behind us as well as other wineyards. They also have horses which runs around in the back of their reception lapa (very nice). The down fall of the place is that its small and gives a sense of squashed feeling. It is suitable, but to us, for small and romantic, close and initimate weddings only. It definitely is ideal for those types of weddings but not for our wedding and the amount of guests we plan on inviting. we dont think that Welgelee would be the place for us however out of the three venues it takes the 2nd spot for obvious reasons that their rates and allowances are exactly what we are looking for.

Webersburg (www.webersburg.co.za) also set in the stellenbosch area is last on our list not only is it over our budget by three times but their additives is not exactly what we want. We are also not allowed to use our own caterer so you can imagine just how much they charge per person for the meals. the views and venue is nice dont get me wrong but we would like our guest driving towards the place and along side it saying before they even get inside "this is gawain and cindy" . Our guests will definitely not be saying that when they see this place instead they will say that we are trying to pretend we are people that we are not and never will be. So that is why unfortunately they have our number three spot.

As they say you save the best for last, saturday the 8th May 2010 we view our third and instantly number 1 venue. Hathersage House (www.hathersage.co.za) set in the lush and quiet tranquil area of Somerset West. Not only is the venue closer to where Gawain lives but most of our guests live near there as well. They also allow us to bring our own catering and do our own decor and the place is just a jaw dropper. We had our viewing at 12h30 and at 10pm the evening i was still dumbstruck over the beauty of the place. As we drove in, we drove along a river and on both sides of us theres vines and trees and oh my hat nothing i can say will make up for the beauty of the venue. The place is amazing, both of us fell inlove with the place and we have been invited to come and view it again when there is an evening function just to see how it looks like at night. However as far as i am concerned we have found our venue and will in the words of my partner " i think we have found our venue". We have a provisional booking with this place and hopefully by the end of the week we will know whether this is going to be the venue for our big day or not. 9 outta 10 times it is going to be the one we are going to get married at.

Once we have decided on a venue, i believe everything else will fall into place and once that happens i know everything will go smoothly and fall into place as it rightfully should. I hope this all works out the way we want it to, so it can be as memorable as possible and as amazing as we want it to be. As we are only getting married once~~

Wedding Plans

Unofficially i am getting married on the 29th October 2011. That date is of course of significance and even though we are a year and a half away. This blog will help me vent and also be a reminder after the wedding of everything that i have been through.

Right i found out December 2009 that my loving boyfriend wants to marry me. However it took us alot to get to that point and for him to actually bring up the so called M word. lol i dont know what it is with men and marriage but maybe some day i will understand. So after much discussion we have entered into a 2yr plan on the 06th December 2009 after a very emotional conversation. Since then we have started with the plan and seem to be 100% on track with what we want to do for this year.

However plans for next year which is the year of the wedding is not going to well. Im currently doing everything alone and its becoming stressful and frustrating. however i am sure that in time things will be great and we will have a wonderful wedding. just the way we both want it to be.

For now i guess we will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. will open a new post tomorrow on further developments :)