Overwhelming Happiness

Every morning i find myself all moody etc, mainly because i am not a morning person. However this morning or shall i say today, i feel like this new person overwhelmed with happiness. Why mainly because things are finally starting to take shape, fall into place and feel so so right. A few months ago i had a taste of what i am feeling today but it got taken away from me for a period of about three months. I didnt know what to do cause i didnt know whether i could handle the situation i faced.

What i then did was the only thing i could do and that was go on my knees and turn to god. I spoke to him, told him how i feel and what was presently happening in my life. i told him to take over my life and i laid it all in his hands. if it is in his will, it will be and i trust in him. Its amazing how talking to god and trusting and believing him can turn things around. The turning point came two weeks ago, i knew about it, i could feel it but not as much as i can feel it this morning and the way i felt it last night. God allowed me to have the strength and talk to my partner about a problem we were having. Much to my surprise, my partner reacted in a way that he hasn't reacted in a while. He was sensitive and understanding and that was literally the third time since we started dating almost 2yrs ago that i was shown this side of him. He to then started speaking his heart and telling me how he feels and that right there was a turning point.

My partner turned into the person he is and not the one he was pretending to be all the time. He was himself, seeing him cry whilst speaking to me was such an amazing sight. Since then his been to me a very different man, when really he is finally being himself. His come to me this week to tell me that he thinks we should start thinking about our future again. We should start getting into buying things for our house again and that it is time for us to really start focusing on our future. Hearing those words come out of his mouth is something that i have been looking forward to for the past three months and i was at a point where i thought it is not going to happen and we were not going to have a future anymore. But i was wrong, since talking to him two weeks ago and him also talking about how he feels, things has definitely turned around and right now things are looking brighter and feels better and we are happy as we finally now are starting to put our relationship as a main focus.

Last night we sat down and ticked off everything we have already bought and made a list of everything that still needs to be bought and the most important thing that we mutually decided last night is that we will devote ourselves to going to church and spending more time worshipping and praising the man we have to owe it all to. He brought us together at a time when we both needed it. He gave us a chance to grow, he allowed us to build a strong relationship and his love for us will not end nor will he forsake us. We owe it all to the man above for allowing us and giving us a chance to be happier then what we have ever been before. The feeling is really undescribeable and all i can say is you have to experience it to know how it feels. Thank you lord for all you have done for us and for all you still plan on doing for us~~

Discussions

Monday morning and i must say that it actually doesnt feel like a monday or like they would dub it Blue Monday. I guess its because i got a good nights rest and also yesterday i spent the day with my boyfriend and his parents. We ended up having a discussion about us and whatever issues we had or thought we had. Which for me was actually a good thing as we barely do sit down and discuss issues so when the opportunity presented itself yesterday i welcomed it with open arms and im glad that he did too.

Over the past few weeks i havent really been happy and i have been having a few struggles and worries that was really getting to me with regards to our relationship. Much to my surprise he was actually paying attention to the way i have been acting the past few weeks and yesterday we sat down and discussed all our issues we thought we had. Whats funny is after our discussion we had realise that we didnt have big or major issues that would make things go wrong or that would cause break ups etc. you know those big or massive issues people have in their relationships that they just cant seem to work through. those type of issues we thought we had but after talking we realise that we were so wrong and so far off that it was shocking.

One of the best things he couldve said last night was that "no matter what issues or problems we have and had, we always over came it or over come it and we always work through it" and i thought well that is because we are trying to build a strong foundation and strong relationship. It was good to know that he thought that of us and that he had that confidance in our relationship, that we can overcome issues or problems. Its funny how us females always under estimate our partners. mainly because like me we always tend to want to do everything ourselves and dont believe or trust or have faith or even have alot of confidence in our partners to do alot for our relationships. we would rather feel comfortable doing it ourselves cause we think it would be done correctly not thinking that maybe just maybe if we gave our partners the credit and the opportunity to do something then it might even end up better then what we wouldve done or then what we thought.

Admittingly i am one of those females and as i told him yesterday that sometimes i feel a certain way because of things that use to happen in the past, can he blame me for feeling that way? and he said no he cant but i must learn to leave it in the past cause we as a couple has learned to move forward and again i need to learn to believe in him or have faith in his ability to do whats right. The minute i do that i will see the change i want to see and i think he has a point right there. As i said us females we believe that we should rather do certain things before our partner does it. One thing i can say is that i am feeling much better after discussing things with him and i am ready to allow our relationship to progress forward positively which means im starting to working on my "have faith in his ability" and believe that he is able and willing to also do as much as i do for us.

So now i need to chill and relax like one of my friends told me last week when i was talking to him about how i feel and he said i need to relax and allow my partner to show me that he does love me and he is committed to me and he does want a future with me. Odd thing is when i think about it now secretly i think Gawain knew after about a month that i was the one he wanted to get married to. Like he said one day, he would rather go through the storms of life with me then go through life with some one else~~~

Nough Said!!!!!!

Frustration

Over the past two - three days i have been feeling majorly frustrated and i dont know why or maybe i do but im just not really as focused as to what it is. One thing i can say is that i hate feeling this way, makes me just want to stand and scream the mountains off and i find it odd. Its funny how one tiny little comment can change then entire mood or way of somethings for quite sometime whether it was intentional or not.

I do however know that this feeling will pass (hopefully soon) and i do know that im only going through this for some reason which i havent really even focused on finding out what the reason even is. i have been so spazzed lately i cant even focus correctly on whats going on around me. dont know my left from my right and i am emotional big time. i should really get down to what is making me feel this way and well really i think it has to do with my relationship and the way things are going right now.

Really now i wish all this can stop cause i cant take it anymore. cant we all just be left to love each other and be happy? does there always have to be a time that comes around where we hit rock bottom? i know i shouldnt be questioning the way things are going right now but its kinda hard not to and i mean i am only human and this is what we do. i really need to move on with my life and forget about the past few days, weeks and bad two months. as hard as it is this is something that needs to be done.

how will i do it, well i think a shopping spree is in order!!!!!!!

Rejuvenated

This morning i got up with this strong sense of rejuvenation and besides that i even got up in a good mood. Its 15h30pm and im still in that good mood, for someone who isnt a morning person this is like WOW to me. But i can honestly admit that i like it. I like this feeling and i hope i can continue to feel this way, today, tomorrow and for many more days to come. I do however know why i got up feeling this way and what i did to, how can i put it? release the shackles of morbidness that i have been feeling over the past two months (on and off that is).

You know how people can take sooooo much and then one day they just cant anymore and just put their foot down sighting "Enough is Enough, ive had it". I somewhat think that, that is where i found myself last night. However i didnt say those words but i definitely was thinking it. I just feel like right now, walking around morbit and always thinking negatively is not gonna get me to where i want to be and its definitely not gonna get me what i want.

So to reiterate what happened last night, after an eventful day of emotions i got home and sat down, counted till 10, breathed and went down on my knees. I spoke to the man above and i didnt find myself moaning, or nagging, or wishing. All i did was thank him for blessing me with life. For giving me the strength to get through each and everyday and allowing me to learn new things and experience life the way he wants me to. The end of that conversation definitely without a doubt in my mind changed my entire mindset and mood.

However i ended up getting a consolation prize, The past two months in my relationship it hasnt exactly been a bed of roses. We have been going through a very bad patch. Communication between us wasnt so great, things just wasnt on the right level like it use to be. As every relationship has its up's and its down's so does and did ours. So we went through about 6months of total and absolutely great up's and we were just left speeches as to how amazing things were and then the tiniest little issue knocked us off our high horse and we came falling down and have been struggling for the past two months to get through this bad phase.

Last night after speaking to my partner, we said quite a few things but the best thing that couldve been said last night came from him and it gave me this sense of confidance and happiness that yes we are on our way back up again. My consolation prize was my partner telling me "We always get through these bad phases". For me to see and hear a man say that is like concurring the world cause men they usually do not say how they feel or speak their minds very easily and he did that last night.

Today i feel like a somewhat new person and tomorrow i know that i will feel even better. Because i am not gonna let anything push me back into that morbid state i was in. A friend once told me that i need to stop looking at the negativity and stop looking back. In order for me to succeed in getting to where i want and how i want and what i want. i need to keep moving forward and stop being negative. As hard as it is for me cause i have been dubbed a very negative person who has a short temper that can stress easily, i definitely wanna try this positive thing, if the way i feel today is what positivity makes a person feel like. Then i definitely wanna be positive and think positively.

Its amazing what pray can do and what one little line of belief or positivity can do to boast one's mood.

Wish me luck for my new path, its not gonna be easy but, nothing ever is!

Wedding Diary 4

Yes the wedding is back on, after a month of hectic vibes and that bad dark cloud that was over us, things are starting to clear up and get back to the way it was again. Its amazing that the things you expect the least to help you get through bad and rough patches are the things that actually helps you. Sometimes i think we live in an odd world where nothing makes sense and at the same time it all makes perfect sense.

I guess god puts us in certain situations for a reason, to see how we will handle it however knowing that we can handle it. the saying that goes god brings you to it and will bring you through it, really is more then just a saying it is a fact and it is something that i have learned over the pass month. Gawain is learning more about me daily and i am learning more about him daily but what is more important is that we have learned to stick together and get through our obstacles together as one.

Every morning i wake up with him telling me how much he loves me and every morning i tell him how much i love him. We pray together and we believe in what we have and what god has given us. Glad we are taking each other by the hands and walking side by side into our future and continuing to build the relationship we have into a stronger one. I never thought it could get stronger then what it is now but i am wrong, never say never i guess cause everyday is a new day,filled with new challenges and lessons and we are ready to take it on.

Now to check my wedding list to see whatelse needs my attention :)

Stumbling Blocks

Suddenly my life has reached a stumbling block and right now i am at my wits end as i do not know what to do. Over the past month things has been the greatest between my partner and i. We had an argument about something that i thought at the time was so small it didnt carry any weight. I also thought at the time that after the argument and us apologising to each other that everything was fine and sorted and that we have moved on from there. I was wrong, my partners attitude started changing toward me and the relationship and things started looking different,until yesterday when his cup definitely over flowed and he came out with it and told me that he was still upset about that argument. So upset that he told me, he doesnt want to get married next year anymore. That crushed me and it hurt and like every other woman i reacted by bursting into tears.

He later on told me that he feels that he isnt ready to get married. He went on telling me why and well currently he feels like i keep throwing his sacrifices in his face as if i dont care and if it wasnt enough that he broke ties with certain people to be with me. maybe he is right about that but at the end of the day regardless of what he has to say i think he is just not ready to get married. its not that he doesnt want to be with me, its just that his just scared or not ready for marriage. Even though i feel hurt and crushed and all those other words. cried yesterday like a big baby and even cried myself to sleep last night at the end of the day there isnt much i can do but hope and pray that somehow someway god will bring us back to where we were over a month ago. When we were happy, we were doing things together and there was little to know fighting going on.

I love him and i want to be with him, i do believe that he does love me and that he does want to be with me. However things are just different for men then what it is for woman. Woman can adapt much easier then a man and they just find that committing to someone and something is easier then what it is for a man. I have gone down on my knees and prayed to god that he will keep us and bring us back to where were. Right now the only thing i can do is believe and trust in god and all his might and what he can do. This is now an essence of time and patiences and the only thing i can do is give this situation time and let god do his work. I pray that he will allow my partner to see that allowing something so small to come between us and we are something so big, will do nothing but break us down and if he doesnt want us to break down then he will stop allowing little things to come between us. I know God will make a way and i know God has brought us together and he has put us out for each other. I know he will keep us bonded.

Romans 1:17

"And Jesus said unto them ... , "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you."

End of the weekend

As we are at the end of the weekend,all i can say is,it was average.Friday there was some tension between us.Saturday we seemed to be walking away together holding hands from that dark cloud that was above us.Today we seemed to have ease back to being us again.Im hoping we can keep it this way and get better and love each other more and stronger with each passing hour.In his words we had a fairly quiet weekend.After the week we had i agree with him in saying the weekend was average.Now all we do is keep moving forward.

Dark Cloud Above Us

You know i know there is a saying that goes, every up has its down and what goes up must come down. But i never really thought it would really come to par. I mean come on give me a break, all my relationships has always been starting off with an up and the minute it went down it stayed down and 9 outta 10 i got my ass kicked to the curb, i got my heart broken. I am a seriously, severely hurt female due to past relationships but you know what after all of those mishaps i have never been stronger. i have learned and with learning become stronger.

I am now so inlove with a man and i didnt know that i could ever love someone again and this much. everyday is a new day and everyday brings new challenges. We have been together for 1 1/2yrs and it has definitely not been the easiest of things but we have managed to get through each day no matter how hard or how easy it is. Over the past few months our relationship has been absolutely top class. i wake up every morning smiling cause it is just amazing. there isnt a word out there that i can think of that describes just how great our relationship has been. Yet here comes that stupid saying every up has its down.

Over the past two weeks things hasnt really been to good due to a slight argument and even though it was supressed and to me solved i was hopelessly wrong and find myself in a position today that i wish i wasnt in. I only hope that is this going to continue to make up and build our relationship instead of break us.Yesterday the supressed feelings and thoughts of the man of my dreams cup just over flowed. he could no longer keep it surpressed. I do admit i triggered it by making such a STUPID comment which has now led us to where we are at today. Not talking, i havent slept properly last night, i have a hell of a headache and i dont know how he is coping. we often underestimate our men by thinking they are heartless and cant feel the way we feel. well news flash ladies, as hard as it can get for us so does it for men. they hurt to, they have feelings as well and they go through everything we go through except our periods.

I feel like shyt to use a better word yet i dont care how i feel i am more worried about him and what his feeling and what his thinking then myself. He is more important right now and all i want is for this dam dark cloud that has just shimmied its dam way over our relationship to bugger off. We were close to perfect, cause nothing in live is perfect yet we try to get close to it and that where we were and that is where both of us would like to be again. We have both sacrificed so much for our relationship and we have both been working so hard at what we have right now. I just want that cloud to find a spot somewhere else and away from us.

We love each other, we want to be together, we are building a future. Enough with the negativity and leave us be!!!!!!!

Trying to solve it

Today we officially have 533 days to go till the big day. Seems so far but when we really start to get into the planning and arranging of it closer to the time, time will without a doubt fly. Part of me cant wait for that time and part of me well doesn't want that to come, in fear that it might just effect us in a bad way which is not what we are going to need. But hey i guess we are going to have to wait and see what happens and how things end up.

With this in mind, i thought i am not really going to be reflecting today on the progress of the wedding as i can do that again tomorrow. Today i will reflect on current happenings in an effort to bond my relationship with Gawain to what it was. Over the past say two weeks things hasn't really been so great between us. However from an outsiders prospective they would say we seem so happy and we look awesome together (that we know lol). Recent weeks has brought a bit of a down slide for us, somehow, someway we don't really know how it got that way. All we know is that it has to stop and we need to make our way back to being on track with our plans.

I can only speak for myself when i say that i am partly to blame for what is happening cause not only is it hormonal but, i have been battling to cope with the distance between us and i am at a point where i hate saying good bye to him at the end of the night. Im constantly wishing that we were at that stage already that when i travel home at night from work, i want to be traveling towards our home. i want to get home and start making supper for him or with him. i am at a point where, when i get into bed at night i want him to be next to me. All of this has contributed to my attitude over the pass two weeks not really realizing that it would end up effecting my relationship negatively. Oh and lets not forget that i think i am busy turning into a bride-zilla. Always panicking and stressing as to whether or not things are going to go as planned on the big day and i always end up so depressed i take it out on him. When honestly i should be more confident in him and confidence that the day will go exactly the way we want it to go.

Which again is a negative effect on us as well. So what am i going to do to try and curb this constant mood swings and down slides? The only thing i can do is speak less to him about the wedding. only answer him on it when he asks that way he wont feel like im stressing him or pressurizing him about it. As for coping with the distance and not being able to see him when i want and be around him when i want. Uhm i guess the only thing i can do there is show him how appreciative i am of him coming to me when he can and him being there for me when he can and him making time for me when he can. Rather then moan about only being able to see him weekends. Cause at the end of the day we will get to the point where right now is where i would rather be and that is married, in a house, enjoying each others presence and just constantly working on the amazing relationship we have.

i hope i can stick to this, i know i can, i think i can. Being with him this past year and a half was not easy but it is and was worth it and when we will get to the point where we are married and together, we will sit back switch on the pc come to this blog, read it and go wow i was badly moody back then or just sit and reflect on what it was like. For now i am focused not only on our wedding but i am focused on my relationship with the man i dub the love of my life and that is a fact that i am quite comfortable with to say yes he definitely is that.