Happiness

Im sitting at my desk thinking about how different my life is now and how much more better my relationship is with my partner at the moment and this overwhelming feeling of happiness comes over me and i am all teared up. Over the past almost 2yrs we have possibly gone through almost each and every bad issue or problem a relationship could ever have and well at the end of the day we have gotten through it and gotten over it and we still remain together. Reminds me strongely about the saying that goes "God brought you to it and he will bring you through it" Im so glad i have the lord my god on my side cause i didnt think i could ever experience the happiness i am now.

Things between us now are so much more different and better, i can now truly feel like i am with someone who loves me for who i am and is not trying to change me. He has realised that the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, there are not many females out there who is like me. Most females today walk away when the tough times arise. But me i stuck it out, i fought for my relationship and what i believe in. I believed and never gave up on him and i did it all with the strength that god has given me. So today i can sit with tears of joy in my eyes cause i am sooo happy i dont think there is a word out there to describe the way i feel. I didnt think that my partner would be the person that he is now. Finally he can be him, without having to worry about whether he will get hurt in the process.A few weeks back when we had a heart to heart conversation he told me how he had felt about me and told me why he was the type of person he was and that is because he was hurt in the past and he doesnt blame me but he wants me to know that everything that we have gone through and everything we have put into the relationship will all be worth it in the end cause he can feel himself giving more to me and the relationship because i will not do to him what his past did and his confidant of that. he promised me that one day when i get to really experience who he really is then i would be happy cause he will be happy and he would make me happy and that day has come and i thank god that it is here.

On Saturday he spoke to one of his friends and told his friend that he cherishes me cause there is only one me and im one in a million and while he was saying that i was saying to someone else the same thing. How in sync are we? definitely in sync. My bestfriend met him for the first time and he told me that we are so well suited for each other so much so we fit like a glove and in these days and times of today we dont often find that but when we do we should hold on to what we have. I believe that we started with god and he is working his ways in our relationship and he always will.We are stronger today then what we were months ago and with each passing day we are growing closer and stronger and the bond we have is becoming more and more stable.

To be with someone like this and to feel the way i do about someone is a first for me. i always thought i knew what love was but i was proved wrong the day i met him. I find myself loving him more and more every single day and him me and god is making it possible for us to feel the way we do about each other.It is a feeling that i do not want to end and its a feeling that i want to keep in my heart and mind for many years to come. Im so happy and in love i think its crazy but its not. I found my knight in shining armour. i found my rose between the thorns and most of all i found the man i want to be with for the rest of my life.

For Gawain

Kenny Latimore
" For You "


For you I give a lifetime of stablility, anything you want of me,nothing is
impossible. For you there are no words or ways to show my love or all the thoughts I'm thinking of 'Cause this life is no good alone since we've become one I've made a change everything I do now makes sense, all roads end, all I do is for you!

For you I share the cup of love that overflows and anyone who knows us
knows that I would change all faults I have. For you there is no low or high or in between of my heart that you haven't seen 'Cause I share all I have and am, nothing I've said is hard to understand and all I feel, I feel deeper still and always will all this love is for you!

Every note that I play, every word I might say, every melody I feel. Are only for you and your appeal. Every page that I write, everyday of my life would not be filled without the things That my love for you now brings

For you I'd make a promise of fidelity, now and for eternity. No one could replace this vow. For you I'd take your hand and heart and everything and add to them a wedding ring 'Cause this life is no good alone, since we've become one you're all I know And if this feeling should leave I'd die and here's why All I am is for you!

Everything I do now makes sense, all roads end and all I do...

Is for you

Only for you

Overwhelming Happiness

Every morning i find myself all moody etc, mainly because i am not a morning person. However this morning or shall i say today, i feel like this new person overwhelmed with happiness. Why mainly because things are finally starting to take shape, fall into place and feel so so right. A few months ago i had a taste of what i am feeling today but it got taken away from me for a period of about three months. I didnt know what to do cause i didnt know whether i could handle the situation i faced.

What i then did was the only thing i could do and that was go on my knees and turn to god. I spoke to him, told him how i feel and what was presently happening in my life. i told him to take over my life and i laid it all in his hands. if it is in his will, it will be and i trust in him. Its amazing how talking to god and trusting and believing him can turn things around. The turning point came two weeks ago, i knew about it, i could feel it but not as much as i can feel it this morning and the way i felt it last night. God allowed me to have the strength and talk to my partner about a problem we were having. Much to my surprise, my partner reacted in a way that he hasn't reacted in a while. He was sensitive and understanding and that was literally the third time since we started dating almost 2yrs ago that i was shown this side of him. He to then started speaking his heart and telling me how he feels and that right there was a turning point.

My partner turned into the person he is and not the one he was pretending to be all the time. He was himself, seeing him cry whilst speaking to me was such an amazing sight. Since then his been to me a very different man, when really he is finally being himself. His come to me this week to tell me that he thinks we should start thinking about our future again. We should start getting into buying things for our house again and that it is time for us to really start focusing on our future. Hearing those words come out of his mouth is something that i have been looking forward to for the past three months and i was at a point where i thought it is not going to happen and we were not going to have a future anymore. But i was wrong, since talking to him two weeks ago and him also talking about how he feels, things has definitely turned around and right now things are looking brighter and feels better and we are happy as we finally now are starting to put our relationship as a main focus.

Last night we sat down and ticked off everything we have already bought and made a list of everything that still needs to be bought and the most important thing that we mutually decided last night is that we will devote ourselves to going to church and spending more time worshipping and praising the man we have to owe it all to. He brought us together at a time when we both needed it. He gave us a chance to grow, he allowed us to build a strong relationship and his love for us will not end nor will he forsake us. We owe it all to the man above for allowing us and giving us a chance to be happier then what we have ever been before. The feeling is really undescribeable and all i can say is you have to experience it to know how it feels. Thank you lord for all you have done for us and for all you still plan on doing for us~~

Motivation

Ever so now and then we all need a little bit of motivation or something that we all turn to that reminds us who we are and what we are capable of. Some of us go down on our knees and pray to the Lord our saviour to find what we are looking for. Others look to materialistic things like a favourite T Shirt or a favourite song or a favourite photo. Either way we all have something or someone that we turn to that we draw strength from or get motivation from.

Whenever i was feeling this way, craving for motivation or looking for it, there was only ever two places i would go to, to find what i was looking for. The one was just sitting and emailing my bestfriend who lives in the UK, she would put things in great perspective for me and it always use to help but we cant always rely on others to help us or be there for us as they also have lives to live and issues to over come. My second place was none other then sitting infront of my music player and listening to my favourite Eminem song - Sings for the Moment. Yes some might say this is weird and how would it give me what i need but until you have listened to it you will never know why.

Doing this was always something that helped me until one day i decided to change and find motivation somewhere else and much to my surprise it has done wonders. It didnt matter how low i was feeling or how depressed i was the minute i did my new thing i felt so much better. I started going down on my knees and having personal conversations with God. Even now sitting at my desk, i didnt have a very good evening and barely got any sleep yet i know in my heart of hearts that what i must do is pray and he will take away all the tiredness, frustration, depression and all those negative things that makes us feel this way.

Im glad that i have decided to look to god and trust and believe in him, since i have done this things has been amazing, yes it can not all change in a day but change is inevitable and god only helps those who helps themselves. Which is why i give him all the honour and all the praise cause he deserves it more then anyone else. For we all go through life by his strength and no one elses. So if you have been looking elsewhere for motivation, help or just a conversation i suggest you change and go down on your knees and make friends with the Lord for he is the start and he is the end.

Redirection of the mind

I dont know if i am the only one that does this, im sure i am not but have you ever decided on doing something and then you get all ampted up about it but then suddenly your mind redirects to the what if's? Dont you just hate it when that happens? i know i do and i cant fathom it, really! i dont know why it happens.

I sometimes think it happens to much, the tiniest little thing can make me redirect my mind. Like for example, i went out and did my whole transformation thing as per the post below and i was happy i started doing it. I felt great and i felt different and i liked it BUT i was really looking forward to one persons opinion on it and guess what that person didnt even comment. Even when i asked what the person thought all i got was a "yep twas nice" i sat there thinking WTF and that clearly has definitely put me off the whole transformation thing, question is: should i allow it????

Being the person that i am, i have a tendancy to really think things through before doing it however, keeping my mind set on it is a totally different thing.i think my biggest accomplishment at the moment that i have my mind set on is what i have arranged for myself and Gawain to celebrate our two year anniversary. If the way i planned it in my mind, works out on the day to what i want it to be or even better then i know that i can stop myself from redirecting my mind.

wow now i feel like im blabbering over crap lol but seriously how does one not allow this to happen? think we should all take the time to figure it out!!

Transformation

Apparently, i am not feminine enough lol, well i must admit that is kinda true. So lets see about 14yrs ago someone near and dear to me passed away from a disease called cysticfibrosis (disease of the lungs). We were like brother and sister and did almost everything together. When he died i told myself that i would remember him by continueing to do the things we enjoyed doing and that of course was when i became a tomboy. Since then i have done things like help fix the car, help paint the house, fix odd things around the house etc. All the kind of things we would expect our fathers, brothers, bf's etc to do i ended up doing.

With that came the dressing souly in jeans (sometimes baggy) and tees and lets not forget one of the most comfortable things they have ever invented, the sneaker. i must admit that as nice it is just to slap on something this easy it is time to start making some changes. so what i did to start all the changes was cut my very long hair at the time to above my ears and i shaved my legs something i told myself i would never do. but hey i ended up doing it and honestly i thought it would take alot out of me to keep doing the shaving etc but it hasnt. which probably means that its now like second nature to me to shave.

then i started wearing heels and oh my word i love heels (clearly the female in me coming out) however i rarely attend events or functions where it would require me to dress up and wear heels. so my next move was trim my brows, also something i thought was going to be hard and would take alot of time but again i was wrong, it comes natural to me now that i would look myself in the mirror and say "hold on sort those brows out". i added more to this transformation by taking my time in the shop looking for the ladies deodorant, hand creams, body lotions and good hair products. So i have that going for myself at the moment and its going really well.

But the main thing that i have been stalling to change was my dress sense, why?? cause i love my jeans and track pants. but over the past few weeks learned that i can still wear jeans but i just have to get a few pairs that shows my feminine side (thats peoples ways of saying feminine curves) and changes from tees to tops and sneakers to pumps. So i agree the jeans i will do, the tops mmmm yeah that i can do too but my sneakers! is it really necessary for me to give that up as well? cause if that is so im not smiling.

hey i have nothing to loose really so it wont kill me to try out this new thing. So all i can say right now is wish me luck, i hope i can pull off this girly thing that im going to be getting into. With the help of a few of my lady friends im sure i will be ok ( i hope, cause im shyt nervous lol can you believe it)

wish me luck!!!!!!!!

Frustration

Over the past two - three days i have been feeling majorly frustrated and i dont know why or maybe i do but im just not really as focused as to what it is. One thing i can say is that i hate feeling this way, makes me just want to stand and scream the mountains off and i find it odd. Its funny how one tiny little comment can change then entire mood or way of somethings for quite sometime whether it was intentional or not.

I do however know that this feeling will pass (hopefully soon) and i do know that im only going through this for some reason which i havent really even focused on finding out what the reason even is. i have been so spazzed lately i cant even focus correctly on whats going on around me. dont know my left from my right and i am emotional big time. i should really get down to what is making me feel this way and well really i think it has to do with my relationship and the way things are going right now.

Really now i wish all this can stop cause i cant take it anymore. cant we all just be left to love each other and be happy? does there always have to be a time that comes around where we hit rock bottom? i know i shouldnt be questioning the way things are going right now but its kinda hard not to and i mean i am only human and this is what we do. i really need to move on with my life and forget about the past few days, weeks and bad two months. as hard as it is this is something that needs to be done.

how will i do it, well i think a shopping spree is in order!!!!!!!

Rejuvenated

This morning i got up with this strong sense of rejuvenation and besides that i even got up in a good mood. Its 15h30pm and im still in that good mood, for someone who isnt a morning person this is like WOW to me. But i can honestly admit that i like it. I like this feeling and i hope i can continue to feel this way, today, tomorrow and for many more days to come. I do however know why i got up feeling this way and what i did to, how can i put it? release the shackles of morbidness that i have been feeling over the past two months (on and off that is).

You know how people can take sooooo much and then one day they just cant anymore and just put their foot down sighting "Enough is Enough, ive had it". I somewhat think that, that is where i found myself last night. However i didnt say those words but i definitely was thinking it. I just feel like right now, walking around morbit and always thinking negatively is not gonna get me to where i want to be and its definitely not gonna get me what i want.

So to reiterate what happened last night, after an eventful day of emotions i got home and sat down, counted till 10, breathed and went down on my knees. I spoke to the man above and i didnt find myself moaning, or nagging, or wishing. All i did was thank him for blessing me with life. For giving me the strength to get through each and everyday and allowing me to learn new things and experience life the way he wants me to. The end of that conversation definitely without a doubt in my mind changed my entire mindset and mood.

However i ended up getting a consolation prize, The past two months in my relationship it hasnt exactly been a bed of roses. We have been going through a very bad patch. Communication between us wasnt so great, things just wasnt on the right level like it use to be. As every relationship has its up's and its down's so does and did ours. So we went through about 6months of total and absolutely great up's and we were just left speeches as to how amazing things were and then the tiniest little issue knocked us off our high horse and we came falling down and have been struggling for the past two months to get through this bad phase.

Last night after speaking to my partner, we said quite a few things but the best thing that couldve been said last night came from him and it gave me this sense of confidance and happiness that yes we are on our way back up again. My consolation prize was my partner telling me "We always get through these bad phases". For me to see and hear a man say that is like concurring the world cause men they usually do not say how they feel or speak their minds very easily and he did that last night.

Today i feel like a somewhat new person and tomorrow i know that i will feel even better. Because i am not gonna let anything push me back into that morbid state i was in. A friend once told me that i need to stop looking at the negativity and stop looking back. In order for me to succeed in getting to where i want and how i want and what i want. i need to keep moving forward and stop being negative. As hard as it is for me cause i have been dubbed a very negative person who has a short temper that can stress easily, i definitely wanna try this positive thing, if the way i feel today is what positivity makes a person feel like. Then i definitely wanna be positive and think positively.

Its amazing what pray can do and what one little line of belief or positivity can do to boast one's mood.

Wish me luck for my new path, its not gonna be easy but, nothing ever is!

Conversations with God

Everyday i find myself learning something new, everyday i find myself in a different mood, everyday is just different from the other. We don't always do what our minds are set out to do but we do things as they come. The one thing that i know i do on a daily basis is have the most amazing conversations with God about two or three times a day. if there is one thing i wish for then it is to be able to hear him talk back to me. I would probably faint from excitement but i think it would go down well.

I enjoy those conversations cause i get to to say what i feel and whats exactly on my heart and i wont be judged for the way i feel or for what i am saying. the best part of it is, is that i feel closer to him with every single conversation. i feel so much better after speaking to him, it usually feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. the saying that goes "god only helps those who helps themselves" i can say comfortably that i believe that saying is true. however you would get some people who would say but how and where do i start.

The day should start with god and end with god, that is where you start. You wake up in the morning and you thank god for allowing you to wake up to another day and to face another day and to learn what that day brings. We often take this for grated and tend to forget that he must get all the honour and all the praise. many would say but we are only human however i believe that when you commit to something you should stick to your commitments.

When I'm feeling down or when I'm feeling really good about myself and the way things are going, not a day goes by where i do not take the time to go down on my knees and thank the man above. With him in our lives we can concur everything and anything. I recently went through a bad patch in my life and i asked myself why me? why should i always be the one to go through all of these things and then i realised that things happen for a reason and we should find out what that reason is.

There are people out there who goes through worse turmoils then i do and i should be thankful that i am able to find the strength to go through these things and learn. I know that even though i put my situations, my ups and downs in the hands of god. that i mustn't always expect him to do everything. its amazing how when you take the time out to have a conversation with god that you get this overwhelmingly great feeling come over you that brings you a sense of warmth and an automatic smile.

Its just such an awesome feeling that is sooo hard to explain. so i urge everyone to take the time out doesn't matter where or what time of the day but have your conversation with god i promise you he is listening and he is in that conversation more then you would've ever guessed~~

Wedding Diary 4

Yes the wedding is back on, after a month of hectic vibes and that bad dark cloud that was over us, things are starting to clear up and get back to the way it was again. Its amazing that the things you expect the least to help you get through bad and rough patches are the things that actually helps you. Sometimes i think we live in an odd world where nothing makes sense and at the same time it all makes perfect sense.

I guess god puts us in certain situations for a reason, to see how we will handle it however knowing that we can handle it. the saying that goes god brings you to it and will bring you through it, really is more then just a saying it is a fact and it is something that i have learned over the pass month. Gawain is learning more about me daily and i am learning more about him daily but what is more important is that we have learned to stick together and get through our obstacles together as one.

Every morning i wake up with him telling me how much he loves me and every morning i tell him how much i love him. We pray together and we believe in what we have and what god has given us. Glad we are taking each other by the hands and walking side by side into our future and continuing to build the relationship we have into a stronger one. I never thought it could get stronger then what it is now but i am wrong, never say never i guess cause everyday is a new day,filled with new challenges and lessons and we are ready to take it on.

Now to check my wedding list to see whatelse needs my attention :)

New Life

On this day at 10h20 South African time and 9h20 British time, a little baby boy was born. My bestfriend of 5yrs gave birth to her 3rd child after quite a few years. Bringing another life into this world is not something that i have experienced yet. However new life brought into this world is a gift from god and changes everything. I have experience of two new lives coming into mine and my home in a form of my nephew and neice.

They are so precious and so special, a day doesnt go by where there isnt something new they teach me something and where they dont learn something from me. Before they were born things at home was dull and boring. Yet now you find little feet running around, you hear fine and tiny little voices and most of us well everyone doesnt like being woken up early but hey that the duty of a kid. I personally cant wait for the day when its my turn. I dont know whether i will be ready but what do know is that my life will change even more then what it has over the past two years.

To Lisa, even though you have done the mummy thing already with Kieran and Shannon, there is no greater feeling then having to do it again. I know that you already are the coolest mum i know and that baby could not have asked for someone better to be his mum. I hope he will bring you as much joy as his brother and sister and i hope that he keeps them short and remind them daily that his the youngest and he can get anyways with anything and everything LOL. i cant wait to see baby until then and until he gets his name, Congrats Lisa and Terry he is a gift in a way that you least expect it and let the good times and nappy changing begin :)

Wedding Diary 3

So with 529 days to go to the big day, i guess its time to reflect on the colours of the wedding, how exciting :). We just started talking and suddenly the colour choosing came up and much to i surprise well to my surprise, as hard as i thought it was going to be choosing the right colour, it wasnt hard at all. We didnt want to choose the same colours of weddings we have attended already so for me the task was kinda going to be a mission. But Gawain came to the rescue and made the decision for us much easier.

We both wanted black as our base colour as we have attended alot of functions not just weddings where their base colour and decor was white. So we said as we want our wedding to be different and unique we want the base colour black. Then we took my favourite colour and matched it with the black and decided against it for the mere that it is such a common colour and many people use it. So black and blue was a no, no. We then matched his favourite colour with the black and well what cant i say other then breathtaking. His facvourite colour is Wine Red and when you add that to the black you get those most amazing blend of colour and gives a sense of romance and intimacy. Which is nice to add up to a theme which is what our wedding is. but will have that in the next wedding diary.

However cause the two colours are dark i thought we needed a bright colour to break it and just have that sense of romantic yet everything put well together. I suggested we break the dark colours with Silver cause once again we steered away from white. He liked the silver and bam a smile from me and a smile from Mr Johannes. We knew immediately that we had come to a conclusion and that was the colours of our wedding.

Black, Wine Red & Silver.

Cant wait for the 500 days to be over so we could be closer to the wedding. I love the colour and it will make our guests see just how much we love each other and what we feel for each other which is exactly what we want.

Dark Cloud Above Us

You know i know there is a saying that goes, every up has its down and what goes up must come down. But i never really thought it would really come to par. I mean come on give me a break, all my relationships has always been starting off with an up and the minute it went down it stayed down and 9 outta 10 i got my ass kicked to the curb, i got my heart broken. I am a seriously, severely hurt female due to past relationships but you know what after all of those mishaps i have never been stronger. i have learned and with learning become stronger.

I am now so inlove with a man and i didnt know that i could ever love someone again and this much. everyday is a new day and everyday brings new challenges. We have been together for 1 1/2yrs and it has definitely not been the easiest of things but we have managed to get through each day no matter how hard or how easy it is. Over the past few months our relationship has been absolutely top class. i wake up every morning smiling cause it is just amazing. there isnt a word out there that i can think of that describes just how great our relationship has been. Yet here comes that stupid saying every up has its down.

Over the past two weeks things hasnt really been to good due to a slight argument and even though it was supressed and to me solved i was hopelessly wrong and find myself in a position today that i wish i wasnt in. I only hope that is this going to continue to make up and build our relationship instead of break us.Yesterday the supressed feelings and thoughts of the man of my dreams cup just over flowed. he could no longer keep it surpressed. I do admit i triggered it by making such a STUPID comment which has now led us to where we are at today. Not talking, i havent slept properly last night, i have a hell of a headache and i dont know how he is coping. we often underestimate our men by thinking they are heartless and cant feel the way we feel. well news flash ladies, as hard as it can get for us so does it for men. they hurt to, they have feelings as well and they go through everything we go through except our periods.

I feel like shyt to use a better word yet i dont care how i feel i am more worried about him and what his feeling and what his thinking then myself. He is more important right now and all i want is for this dam dark cloud that has just shimmied its dam way over our relationship to bugger off. We were close to perfect, cause nothing in live is perfect yet we try to get close to it and that where we were and that is where both of us would like to be again. We have both sacrificed so much for our relationship and we have both been working so hard at what we have right now. I just want that cloud to find a spot somewhere else and away from us.

We love each other, we want to be together, we are building a future. Enough with the negativity and leave us be!!!!!!!

Wedding Diary 1

So alot has happened as far as the wedding is concerned, to others, i would seem crazy as the wedding is only taking place on the 29th October 2011. But hey i am a perfectionist and even though nothing in life is perfect we can atleast try to get things as close to perfect as possible. That is why i have decided along with my partner on quite a few things already. People might ask why we would want certain things but our MAIN aim's for our wedding is unique and different. So we are, well i am, trying to have our wedding as unique and different as possible.

Right we have visited three venues already, namely Welgelee, Webersburg & Hathersage. I will admit that all three of these venues viewed was absolutely beauty. Welgelee (www.welgelee.com) allows us to bring in our own decor people and caterers which is the idea we have and want. They give a whole bunch of added things with the set venue price. The scenery is beautiful as the venue is set in a place called Klapmuts. we have the view of the mountains behind us as well as other wineyards. They also have horses which runs around in the back of their reception lapa (very nice). The down fall of the place is that its small and gives a sense of squashed feeling. It is suitable, but to us, for small and romantic, close and initimate weddings only. It definitely is ideal for those types of weddings but not for our wedding and the amount of guests we plan on inviting. we dont think that Welgelee would be the place for us however out of the three venues it takes the 2nd spot for obvious reasons that their rates and allowances are exactly what we are looking for.

Webersburg (www.webersburg.co.za) also set in the stellenbosch area is last on our list not only is it over our budget by three times but their additives is not exactly what we want. We are also not allowed to use our own caterer so you can imagine just how much they charge per person for the meals. the views and venue is nice dont get me wrong but we would like our guest driving towards the place and along side it saying before they even get inside "this is gawain and cindy" . Our guests will definitely not be saying that when they see this place instead they will say that we are trying to pretend we are people that we are not and never will be. So that is why unfortunately they have our number three spot.

As they say you save the best for last, saturday the 8th May 2010 we view our third and instantly number 1 venue. Hathersage House (www.hathersage.co.za) set in the lush and quiet tranquil area of Somerset West. Not only is the venue closer to where Gawain lives but most of our guests live near there as well. They also allow us to bring our own catering and do our own decor and the place is just a jaw dropper. We had our viewing at 12h30 and at 10pm the evening i was still dumbstruck over the beauty of the place. As we drove in, we drove along a river and on both sides of us theres vines and trees and oh my hat nothing i can say will make up for the beauty of the venue. The place is amazing, both of us fell inlove with the place and we have been invited to come and view it again when there is an evening function just to see how it looks like at night. However as far as i am concerned we have found our venue and will in the words of my partner " i think we have found our venue". We have a provisional booking with this place and hopefully by the end of the week we will know whether this is going to be the venue for our big day or not. 9 outta 10 times it is going to be the one we are going to get married at.

Once we have decided on a venue, i believe everything else will fall into place and once that happens i know everything will go smoothly and fall into place as it rightfully should. I hope this all works out the way we want it to, so it can be as memorable as possible and as amazing as we want it to be. As we are only getting married once~~

Wedding Plans

Unofficially i am getting married on the 29th October 2011. That date is of course of significance and even though we are a year and a half away. This blog will help me vent and also be a reminder after the wedding of everything that i have been through.

Right i found out December 2009 that my loving boyfriend wants to marry me. However it took us alot to get to that point and for him to actually bring up the so called M word. lol i dont know what it is with men and marriage but maybe some day i will understand. So after much discussion we have entered into a 2yr plan on the 06th December 2009 after a very emotional conversation. Since then we have started with the plan and seem to be 100% on track with what we want to do for this year.

However plans for next year which is the year of the wedding is not going to well. Im currently doing everything alone and its becoming stressful and frustrating. however i am sure that in time things will be great and we will have a wonderful wedding. just the way we both want it to be.

For now i guess we will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. will open a new post tomorrow on further developments :)

25 Years Old

On the 21st November 1983 at23h34pm the evening a baby girl was born. That baby girl is now a full grown or maybe i should say still growing adult. 25yrs later she had her up's and downs and has experienced life like not many has before. Yes the 25 year old i speak of is none other then me myself and I. Friday i celebrated my 25th birthday and much to my surprise it was not half as bad as i thought it would be i dont know hey for some reason i thought it was gonna be something really bad or just something really weird but it wasnt.

I was woken up on friday morning with an sms from my boyfriend wishing me (he was the first to wish me) his message sparked a storm of messages from all over the world. got so many messages wishing me and so many phone calls wishing me i lost count by 9am the morning. At the end of the day i can sit here and say i had the most amazing birthday, different but amazing. i had everyone i loved around me celebrating my day and telling stories about when i was a little girl and the things i use to do. some was funny and some were shockers.

The only thing i can say right now is that god has blessed me even though we tend to not see his wonderful work and ways and paths that his opened for us there comes a time when one needs to sit and think about all he has done and say thank you god for all you have done for me. everything we go through in life is what he wants us to go through is what he wants us to learn from is what he wants us to experience and what he wants us to pay attention to. the first thing i did friday morning was go down on my knees with a tear in my eye and i thanked the all mightly for carrying me through 25years of my life. i do not live on my own graces i live on his graces and for that i thanked him for everything he has done for me and most importantly having a hand in bringing me into this world.

To everyone in my life, friends and family! Thank you all for being there when i needed you most thank you for all the wishes and happiness you bring into my life. thank you for putting up with me as i know im not the easiest person to live with. Thank you just for letting me be me and letting me say what is needed to say when the time is there for me to say it. Thank you for being in my life. everyone brings alittle something extra to my life and holds a small part of them in me and that is the way it is going to stay.

Im 25years old here i am ready to take on what ever challenges my age will bring me what ever experiences it will throw my way and most of all im happy that i am still who i am today~~

21 November 2008

Something New

A few months ago i started asking myself the one simple question in life that many people always end up trying to figure out for themselves. The question was "Will I ever find some form of happiness in my life?". At the time when I was thinking about that question I had been through quite a few detours in my life and was at a point where once again i just felt like giving up on everything and everyone in my life. This was only the second ever time that I thought or felt that way. I had come to the conclusion or lets just say i settled with the fact that i was never gonna be or never gonna find happiness for myself.

I honestly believed that in most things or aspects of my life that it would be the end of it. I hardly smiled at anything or anyone and i found myself cutting out many people including those close to me. In that time i had cut myself off many people i also decided that i didnt want to even consider getting into any form of relationship either.That was the time i ended up finding myself and getting to know who i really was. the type of person i am and the type of nature i could bring into others lives. Eventually upon doing that i took a leap off the edge of the mountain and for the last time went against something that i set up for myself.

I decided to go ahead and meet someone new, i mean what did i have to lose. i wasnt happy, i had this icyness about me. i just couldnt care less, i would just walk around thinking oh well im probably setting myself up to get hurt again BUT life is about risks. we put ourselves through risks every single day, so i took my last risk and i went ahead and met him. The first time we met i was kinda still on the mindset that i am gonna stay unhappy and nothing anyone says or does is gonna change what i think. (im just difficult like that) the second meeting i basically was the same. The turning point for me was the third meeting. after that i realised the type of person i was seeing and that person was totally different from what i was use to.

Now 6months later i guess my risky leap turned out to be something positive cause now i find myself randomly sitting and smiling for no reason at all. I actually look forward to spending time with that person and seeing that person. i dont know what it is but there is something that always keeps me going back for more and 98% of me enjoys this new venture or let me say new episode in my life. for the first time in a year i am officially happy. i have only felt happiness within a relationship twice and it seems to me that third time lucky is a fact. even though this is still the last for me. im not negative about this, im not unhappy, im not wondering whether this is right or wrong. cause im sure that this is right. im sure that im happy and most all im sure about the person and im sure about my feelings.

2008 thus far was an emotional rollercoaster for me but i seemed to have managed to come out on top. i feel stronger, i am mentally stronger and even though there is only a month and a half left for 2008. i would say that i have entered the better part of the year and the best is still to come cause i know that there is still gonna be much more happiness coming my way as for the first time in a long time i am me again and i am happy and i am positive and that is all thanks to one person and he should know who he is (hopefully) lol

so to new beginnings and thank you for being the new light, the new smile and the joy and happiness that has finally come into my life. Hopefully itll stay this way for a very very very long time. cause everyday is now a pleasure to wake up to ~~

Love

I just got this email from a buddy of mine, Everybody has a different, views or perceptions about this. but for me at the end of the day it all comes down to the spoken word. For those of you who has loved but doesn't want to anymore, for those of you who are in love good on ya, for those of you who has lost love and wants others to work toward you loving them oh well such is life. But at the end of the day we all have been there, are there and worn the t-shirt. Enjoy the weekend~~

Love is when you give half of yourself and allow that half to be filled up by another, who in turn, takes the half of you that you left behind. When you feel like gravity no longer holds you down, but they do. When you see them, a million thoughts race through your mind, and
there are a million things you want to say, but the best to can
manage is a nod and a smile, a wave, or a simple 'hey', because if
you try to say anything more, you know you will choke up. When you see them, you feel like your heart is beating so fast it's going to fly away from you. In a way, it does. It flies to them. When you feel like you are so full of happiness, you feel like your going to start flying, but the only thing keeping you down is that if you were to fly away, you fear they couldn't fly with you.
When they walk into the room,
all the rest of the world fades away until it is just the two of you,
with dorky grins slapped across your faces that would make anyone else
laugh, but you think they are perfect. Love is when you could have just staggered out of bed and look like you wrestled a tiger, but they still tell you that you are the most gorgeous thing they've seen all day. When you would give up anything in the world just to be with them. When you are laying out under the stars and in that perfect
place that you fit in his arms, not needing to talk because you both
know what each other is thinking. When he looks in your eyes, puts his arms around your waist, you look into his eyes. He's looking back. He gives you a nervous grin, and you feel him stop breathing. He inches his face closer to yours. You bridge the gap and press your lips softly against his. The seconds seem like hours, but you pray the moment lasts forever. You break from his embrace. The seconds of awkward silence tick by. Neither of you know what to say. You just want to kiss him again. He opens the door of your house and gives a stammered goodbye. You feel like your going to sink through the floor.
Love is when you would leave forever, if that was what they wanted, even tough it would rip a hole through your chest that would never fully heal. And you feel like you need to be with them, or else your not entirely whole. You would go through all the pain and suffering of the possible breakup if it meant you could just have that kiss one time. You would risk it all for him. And you would put aside your stubbornness to hold him in your arms. To feel his arms around you. He takes your breath away without even trying.

I hope that gives you a little insight on love as it means to me. I hope I’ve helped you with this little note, this window into my soul.

Violation

Wow i am back again to air my views and vows on the past few months that have gone past.
it has surely been somewhat a surprise to me as to what has happened this past few months. i have so much to say but i dont really know where to start. but seeing as it looks like im going to have to break it up into individual blog posts. so as you can see the title of this blog is the main thing or somewhat the more serious of the matters that happened to me over the past few months. so here is the 411 on what happened.

So earlier this year i met one of my chat buddies for the first time in something like 2yrs. why we only met then was simply because he lives in one city and me in another. if he wanted to come to my city he had a choice of either taking a 2hr flight, a 10hour bus trip or a 5-6hour car trip to my city. Which is something that wasnt really on the map at the time. however he caught himself visiting his family who lives close to me and that is how we decided to meet. yes before meeting it seemed like if a relationship were to develop then it would be one of the best relationships i have ever been in.

Unfortunately i found out that as he kept telling me that he is single, he was however in a relationship already. Anyways i went through the whole phase of feeling depressed or whatever but it didnt last long. I thought oh well its over and done with nothing i can do but move on. which i did. However that was not the end, the surprise was yet to come. few months later he makes contact with me again and amazingly acts as if nothing happen. oh well as i was over him and put his crap behind me, we met up and chatted about the months that we did not talk to each other. apparently he went through alot and lost alot and realised who the true friends was that he had in his life. much to my surprise i was one of those true friends i didnt know how i was but hey i cant tell someone that they are wrong in their choice of company.

After a few weeks we ended up as a couple and man was that something i have always wanted but after a month i learned that what we always want in life is not always what we need and not always what it would seem like. anyways why we ended this was because he felt the need to violate my privacy, not that i had anything to hide from him or anyone for that matter. But what he did was unethical in my books. To me honestly it is worse then cheating which he basically already did.anyways he took my phone while i was asleep and he went through my messages and emails.

Unfortunately he found a text message that i dont think any partner would be happy about if they found it. It was a 4month old message between my ex and i. He however claimed that the message was sent while we were dating even though we started dating in August and the message is dated May. he still maintains that it was sent when we were dating. DID I MISS ANYTHING? since when does May come before August? well lol they always say there isnt smoke without a fire and yes there was fire. we broke up and miraculously two weeks later he suddenly finds himself in another relationship. QUICK? I think not, where there is smoke there is fire. he violated my privacy so he could cover up his hidden agenda yet i walked away with a clear conscience why cause i did nothing and he, well lets just say what he does from here on out is merely his choice, I AM DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Rollercoaster

Do you ride or jump out half way?

What can i say about a roller coaster ride? It has its up's and it has it's down's. It has its good and its bad. Much like life who also has its good and bad times, its up's and down's. I think the saying life is like a roller coaster ride is perfectly suited for the world we live in today. Either you do or you dont. Either you fall or you dont. One thing is for sure when it comes to life you can not chose whether you want it to be a roller coaster ride or not cause luckily for us no matter how we try to curb it, it happens and there is nothing we can do about it or is there?

For the past say close to two months i have discovered both heartache and happiness. hows that for a shocker, how can that possibly be. well i speak of experience and yes it is possible. Heartache wasnt and never is easy to handle and no matter how strong a person is mentally it still hits you hard in various ways. you may try to block it out but some how it always has a weird way of creeping out the wood work and you then feel the pain. I had to lose the person i thought was my one true love to rediscover that he wasnt that. as painful as it was guess what? i can actually sit here and smile about it. cause with that pain i walked away with a smile cause right there by my side is the person that i think is actually meant for me. that is where my happiness comes in.

oh what a great feeling it is to be so sure and so certain about something that feels and is so right. i wish i could feel this way everyday. well the person that i love is unique, he is surely a person in his own league. we may not always see eye to eye but the best of it is that we can talk about it and see if there is a way for both of us to grasp a situation. i know most times its not easy especially for you as you desire more closeness and more affection. but think about it, this may not seem like it now but its binding us cause we know that its not easy but we want it. call it a temporary disclaimer.we may not always have the opportunity to see each other but all i say to you is whenever you want to see me but cant baby surely all you need to do is look inside your heart cause im guaranteed to be there. The past month i have felt so many different and amazing feelings i dont think any amount of words can describe the way it feels other then having to go through it and feeling it.

well subsequently the past 2 weeks things hasnt really gone so smooth, this is the roller coaster effect. i can surely say it is definitely testing us and it isnt easy. But i am glad i chose to take that ride and get over with it so i can smile and be happy again and look at you and say "we did it, fancy that!" with a big ass smile. Life isnt always easy but life isnt always hard. if we focus on what really matters and what we really want and what to us is important i think we can over come the obsticles with ease. i pray everyday that you are in my future and look forward to the future with you in it cause i wouldnt want it anyway else. but in order to have that i have to work toward that. it wont be easy but ima take that ride and hopefully come off smiling. why? because,

Life is like a roller coaster

To Mr AF Duncan

Its not because things are difficult, that we do not dare. Its because we do not dare, that why they are difficult.