Dear Husband

I can still remember the expression on your face the first time we met. You were different, unique and in a league of your own. Besides the fact that I did not allow you to come near me or touch me. These were attributes that drew me closer to you. Although apart of you seemed to be very broken, you still managed to keep the "sunny side up". Little did we know on that day we would end up dating, nor did we know that we would end up dating for 3years much less did we know that we would be married for over 4years. Quite interesting don't you think? I must say though as different and special as you were back then, there was alot to learn and boy did we learn. Sometimes the easy way and sometimes the hard way. But within time you slowly but surely started showing the TRUE you. Who you really were? What you were? A character in person that no person can turn you into only YOU can do that for yourself. Undoubtedly the more I saw the real you, the more I got drawn into you. The closer we became and the better things became. As you know our relationship did not start filled with a bed of roses. What does Christian Grey say? "Im not the whole hearts and flowers kinda guy". Yep that was you, you were not the hearts and flowers kinda guy. You were to wounded to put yourself into a position like that in fear that your wounds might be torn apart again. Did I blame you for protecting your heart? No because, I for one was also a broken person when we met.

The more time we spent together somehow, someway we always ended up making each other feel better. Me, for one always trying my best to show you that no I will not hurt you in anyway and you showing me that you are trying to add some hearts and flowers. WOW our all time high was the years 2010-2011. That was our peak, we were beyond smitten with each other and you, you were a totally different caliber of man. My knight in shinning armour, My superman, My ray of sunshine, My everything. You made me happy, you taught me how to get out of the shell I was living in for so many years. You taught me how to smile and look at life and people differently then the way I was looking at them. You taught me how to have faith in you and that you were not "one of THOSE guys" I look back at the TWO peaks years and still smile because it was our best years. 2012 was a challenge for us. We got more obstacles in that year then anybody we know and the funny part of it all is that nobody knew about the tough times we endured but the nice part of it was we got through it together and it made our bond even stronger. It carried us through parts of 2013 when things just all started to go sour slowly but surely again. The man you grew into was slowly starting to leave and overshadowed by another kind of you. Its hard to explain it all but looking at the man you are now, you have lost your way. I find that when you allow obstacles to get in the way of your life and your attention span channels toward those obstacles. We tend to steer away from what is important in our lives.

You were never great at many things in our lives together but the little things you were great at has fallen by the way side. You have lost that part of your being and one can only pray that one day, some day you will be that man again. One who will go to the ends of the earth to see his wife happy and smiling. One who would not allow anything or anyone to come between us no matter who, what or where. One who opens his eyes and knows that his day started with me and ends with me. Those random acts of kindness that kept me sitting with bated breath waiting to see what will happen next and when it will happen. One that will make his wife and child his number one priority. Ive never missed the man you were as much as I do lately. Mainly because who you were and are has an amazing knock on effect not only with me but so many others. I sit back and think that there are still so many things about you that I do not know. However I can see the damage and hurt it has created and left and still in many ways regardless you have taught yourself how to be the man you are when you want to be the man you feel like on a specific day. I do try my best to be the best and I am first to put my hand up and say I have my moments. Alot lately as well but there are reasons for that. One can only hope we get out of this funk.

Dear Husband, things may not be hearts and flowers for us at the moment and recently but, the best part of my day and life is knowing that I love a man who I didn't think I could ever love after having gone through so many ups and downs. Life is not always simple, its not always easy but when we have each other to walk through life with NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST US SHALL PROSPER! 

2011

Even though we are already 4 months into the new year, i still think its never to late to speak about it. So now that we are into the new year for some it has been great for others it hasnt been great. There are people who believe there will be change in their lives this year and there are people who believe nothing will happen at all for themselves.

I personally think that lots is gonna happen this year and thus far for me its been an awesome year. Why??? because my lord our god above has been watching over me and protecting me and bringing nothing but goodness to my life in his name. this year is definitely a total difference for me because one of the biggest events in life will be happening. I will be getting married and im looking forward to the event and to my new life the only thing i take with me into my new life as i enter it that was part of my old life is GOD.

In saying that i believe its the only way to get through life is with trust, love, belief and understand that there is someone up above looking out for you and me and everyone else. here is to a wonderful new year and to lots of joy and happiness

Happiness

Im sitting at my desk thinking about how different my life is now and how much more better my relationship is with my partner at the moment and this overwhelming feeling of happiness comes over me and i am all teared up. Over the past almost 2yrs we have possibly gone through almost each and every bad issue or problem a relationship could ever have and well at the end of the day we have gotten through it and gotten over it and we still remain together. Reminds me strongely about the saying that goes "God brought you to it and he will bring you through it" Im so glad i have the lord my god on my side cause i didnt think i could ever experience the happiness i am now.

Things between us now are so much more different and better, i can now truly feel like i am with someone who loves me for who i am and is not trying to change me. He has realised that the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, there are not many females out there who is like me. Most females today walk away when the tough times arise. But me i stuck it out, i fought for my relationship and what i believe in. I believed and never gave up on him and i did it all with the strength that god has given me. So today i can sit with tears of joy in my eyes cause i am sooo happy i dont think there is a word out there to describe the way i feel. I didnt think that my partner would be the person that he is now. Finally he can be him, without having to worry about whether he will get hurt in the process.A few weeks back when we had a heart to heart conversation he told me how he had felt about me and told me why he was the type of person he was and that is because he was hurt in the past and he doesnt blame me but he wants me to know that everything that we have gone through and everything we have put into the relationship will all be worth it in the end cause he can feel himself giving more to me and the relationship because i will not do to him what his past did and his confidant of that. he promised me that one day when i get to really experience who he really is then i would be happy cause he will be happy and he would make me happy and that day has come and i thank god that it is here.

On Saturday he spoke to one of his friends and told his friend that he cherishes me cause there is only one me and im one in a million and while he was saying that i was saying to someone else the same thing. How in sync are we? definitely in sync. My bestfriend met him for the first time and he told me that we are so well suited for each other so much so we fit like a glove and in these days and times of today we dont often find that but when we do we should hold on to what we have. I believe that we started with god and he is working his ways in our relationship and he always will.We are stronger today then what we were months ago and with each passing day we are growing closer and stronger and the bond we have is becoming more and more stable.

To be with someone like this and to feel the way i do about someone is a first for me. i always thought i knew what love was but i was proved wrong the day i met him. I find myself loving him more and more every single day and him me and god is making it possible for us to feel the way we do about each other.It is a feeling that i do not want to end and its a feeling that i want to keep in my heart and mind for many years to come. Im so happy and in love i think its crazy but its not. I found my knight in shining armour. i found my rose between the thorns and most of all i found the man i want to be with for the rest of my life.

Overwhelming Happiness

Every morning i find myself all moody etc, mainly because i am not a morning person. However this morning or shall i say today, i feel like this new person overwhelmed with happiness. Why mainly because things are finally starting to take shape, fall into place and feel so so right. A few months ago i had a taste of what i am feeling today but it got taken away from me for a period of about three months. I didnt know what to do cause i didnt know whether i could handle the situation i faced.

What i then did was the only thing i could do and that was go on my knees and turn to god. I spoke to him, told him how i feel and what was presently happening in my life. i told him to take over my life and i laid it all in his hands. if it is in his will, it will be and i trust in him. Its amazing how talking to god and trusting and believing him can turn things around. The turning point came two weeks ago, i knew about it, i could feel it but not as much as i can feel it this morning and the way i felt it last night. God allowed me to have the strength and talk to my partner about a problem we were having. Much to my surprise, my partner reacted in a way that he hasn't reacted in a while. He was sensitive and understanding and that was literally the third time since we started dating almost 2yrs ago that i was shown this side of him. He to then started speaking his heart and telling me how he feels and that right there was a turning point.

My partner turned into the person he is and not the one he was pretending to be all the time. He was himself, seeing him cry whilst speaking to me was such an amazing sight. Since then his been to me a very different man, when really he is finally being himself. His come to me this week to tell me that he thinks we should start thinking about our future again. We should start getting into buying things for our house again and that it is time for us to really start focusing on our future. Hearing those words come out of his mouth is something that i have been looking forward to for the past three months and i was at a point where i thought it is not going to happen and we were not going to have a future anymore. But i was wrong, since talking to him two weeks ago and him also talking about how he feels, things has definitely turned around and right now things are looking brighter and feels better and we are happy as we finally now are starting to put our relationship as a main focus.

Last night we sat down and ticked off everything we have already bought and made a list of everything that still needs to be bought and the most important thing that we mutually decided last night is that we will devote ourselves to going to church and spending more time worshipping and praising the man we have to owe it all to. He brought us together at a time when we both needed it. He gave us a chance to grow, he allowed us to build a strong relationship and his love for us will not end nor will he forsake us. We owe it all to the man above for allowing us and giving us a chance to be happier then what we have ever been before. The feeling is really undescribeable and all i can say is you have to experience it to know how it feels. Thank you lord for all you have done for us and for all you still plan on doing for us~~

A Mothers Cry

Over the past two days, i have been emailing one of my friends who is Australian and lives in Australia. She has recently found out that one of her son's has been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and to make matters worse her baby of a few months old is showing signs of it as well. She is a single mother who has 4 kids and the dad is just a useless piece of junk (in my eyes). He doesnt want to really be apart of his children's lives but when they need him to sign a parental consent for one of them to do something he kicks against the curb not wanting to sign anything and he is just plain difficult, making things even more difficult for my friend.

As we continue to talk about how she feels and what she is going through at the moment i can really sense that she is hurting, i mean this is her child. Regardless of the fact that she is a single mother, like every mother out there she loves her child and it is hurting her to be experiencing this in her life. i feel so bad cause i cant help her in anyway other then allow her to talk about how she feels and what this is doing to her. i must say yesterday talking to her she was freaking out not knowing how she will cope with the whole situation but i have tried to make her see things from all angles and i am glad to say that today she is feeling much much better.

This makes me think seeing as South Africa recently celebrated Womans day that this in a weird way is kind of fitting. It makes me think that us females are strong enough to with stand anything and everything that is thrown our way.We deal with it the best way we can possibly think of dealing with it which is a gift from GOD. he bring us to it and he will bring us through it if we allow it which i really think we should do. We as woman dont really realise our strength or the ability we have to handle things because we believe that we cant get through it but the minute we do, we are so amazed, Why i do not know.

I believe that God will see my friend through this time in life and help her in every way possible to get through this and allow her and her children to experience some happiness and see that tomorrow bring a brighter day. I will be as supportive as i can be all the way down here from South Africa and she knows it.

Motivation

Ever so now and then we all need a little bit of motivation or something that we all turn to that reminds us who we are and what we are capable of. Some of us go down on our knees and pray to the Lord our saviour to find what we are looking for. Others look to materialistic things like a favourite T Shirt or a favourite song or a favourite photo. Either way we all have something or someone that we turn to that we draw strength from or get motivation from.

Whenever i was feeling this way, craving for motivation or looking for it, there was only ever two places i would go to, to find what i was looking for. The one was just sitting and emailing my bestfriend who lives in the UK, she would put things in great perspective for me and it always use to help but we cant always rely on others to help us or be there for us as they also have lives to live and issues to over come. My second place was none other then sitting infront of my music player and listening to my favourite Eminem song - Sings for the Moment. Yes some might say this is weird and how would it give me what i need but until you have listened to it you will never know why.

Doing this was always something that helped me until one day i decided to change and find motivation somewhere else and much to my surprise it has done wonders. It didnt matter how low i was feeling or how depressed i was the minute i did my new thing i felt so much better. I started going down on my knees and having personal conversations with God. Even now sitting at my desk, i didnt have a very good evening and barely got any sleep yet i know in my heart of hearts that what i must do is pray and he will take away all the tiredness, frustration, depression and all those negative things that makes us feel this way.

Im glad that i have decided to look to god and trust and believe in him, since i have done this things has been amazing, yes it can not all change in a day but change is inevitable and god only helps those who helps themselves. Which is why i give him all the honour and all the praise cause he deserves it more then anyone else. For we all go through life by his strength and no one elses. So if you have been looking elsewhere for motivation, help or just a conversation i suggest you change and go down on your knees and make friends with the Lord for he is the start and he is the end.