Dear Husband

I can still remember the expression on your face the first time we met. You were different, unique and in a league of your own. Besides the fact that I did not allow you to come near me or touch me. These were attributes that drew me closer to you. Although apart of you seemed to be very broken, you still managed to keep the "sunny side up". Little did we know on that day we would end up dating, nor did we know that we would end up dating for 3years much less did we know that we would be married for over 4years. Quite interesting don't you think? I must say though as different and special as you were back then, there was alot to learn and boy did we learn. Sometimes the easy way and sometimes the hard way. But within time you slowly but surely started showing the TRUE you. Who you really were? What you were? A character in person that no person can turn you into only YOU can do that for yourself. Undoubtedly the more I saw the real you, the more I got drawn into you. The closer we became and the better things became. As you know our relationship did not start filled with a bed of roses. What does Christian Grey say? "Im not the whole hearts and flowers kinda guy". Yep that was you, you were not the hearts and flowers kinda guy. You were to wounded to put yourself into a position like that in fear that your wounds might be torn apart again. Did I blame you for protecting your heart? No because, I for one was also a broken person when we met.

The more time we spent together somehow, someway we always ended up making each other feel better. Me, for one always trying my best to show you that no I will not hurt you in anyway and you showing me that you are trying to add some hearts and flowers. WOW our all time high was the years 2010-2011. That was our peak, we were beyond smitten with each other and you, you were a totally different caliber of man. My knight in shinning armour, My superman, My ray of sunshine, My everything. You made me happy, you taught me how to get out of the shell I was living in for so many years. You taught me how to smile and look at life and people differently then the way I was looking at them. You taught me how to have faith in you and that you were not "one of THOSE guys" I look back at the TWO peaks years and still smile because it was our best years. 2012 was a challenge for us. We got more obstacles in that year then anybody we know and the funny part of it all is that nobody knew about the tough times we endured but the nice part of it was we got through it together and it made our bond even stronger. It carried us through parts of 2013 when things just all started to go sour slowly but surely again. The man you grew into was slowly starting to leave and overshadowed by another kind of you. Its hard to explain it all but looking at the man you are now, you have lost your way. I find that when you allow obstacles to get in the way of your life and your attention span channels toward those obstacles. We tend to steer away from what is important in our lives.

You were never great at many things in our lives together but the little things you were great at has fallen by the way side. You have lost that part of your being and one can only pray that one day, some day you will be that man again. One who will go to the ends of the earth to see his wife happy and smiling. One who would not allow anything or anyone to come between us no matter who, what or where. One who opens his eyes and knows that his day started with me and ends with me. Those random acts of kindness that kept me sitting with bated breath waiting to see what will happen next and when it will happen. One that will make his wife and child his number one priority. Ive never missed the man you were as much as I do lately. Mainly because who you were and are has an amazing knock on effect not only with me but so many others. I sit back and think that there are still so many things about you that I do not know. However I can see the damage and hurt it has created and left and still in many ways regardless you have taught yourself how to be the man you are when you want to be the man you feel like on a specific day. I do try my best to be the best and I am first to put my hand up and say I have my moments. Alot lately as well but there are reasons for that. One can only hope we get out of this funk.

Dear Husband, things may not be hearts and flowers for us at the moment and recently but, the best part of my day and life is knowing that I love a man who I didn't think I could ever love after having gone through so many ups and downs. Life is not always simple, its not always easy but when we have each other to walk through life with NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST US SHALL PROSPER! 

The Re-Up/Revamp

I literally haven't blogged anything in over 4 years and its safe to say that so much has been happening. Life has been happening. I got married December 2011. Learning how to run a house hold and being a good wife has not been the easiest of tasks but I can honestly say that I have been trying to do the best that I can do and personally challenge myself each time to just go one step further, one step further in everything I do for my home and my husband. However in saying that I have become quite slack over the pass few months. WHY?


On the 31st March, one interesting morning, life decided to throw another challenge my way. I found out after years of trying that I was PREGNANT. You will not believe how shocked I was at 5am looking at that darn test. I literally told the stick "no that cant be possible" welp it was and my husbands reaction was priceless. The 1st April we took another test just to double check and yes of course again it showed positive. Immediately when I got to work I tried calling my dr who conveniently was on leave. I eventually managed to get hold of another dr who then could only see me on the 22nd of April. I mean really having to wait almost an entire month just to get 100% full proof confirmation that I really am pregnant was abit hectic. When the time came and we went for our very first check up, there the baby was. Tossing and turning while I am speechless and in shock and my husband emotional and teary eyed. That was undoubtedly one of the best moments in my life. My last month of pregnancy was abit of a toughy to say the least but low and behold on the 1st October 2015 at 13h05pm our BEAUTIFUL baby boy was born. The moment that put him next to me in that theater I fell inlove on a whole new and different level BUT I shall get into the experience later. So this is why I have been a slacker of a wife lately because all my attention and love has been going to my soon to be 5month old little boy. Let me just say that it has been LIFE CHANGING. I look at him and think "WOW that grew inside of me. GOD is amazing" The new journey in my life has had its fair share of moments. Like everything we go through it brought on its fair share of ups and downs, good times and bad times and yes he is still young and we have many, many paths to walk with him but for now what I have learned thus far, its all just been an experience of a life time. So much so that I cant wait until we start planning on baby number 2 because really now little did I know I would feel this way BUT, I ACTUALLY MISS BEING PREGNANT. Some women would call me crazy but no I really do miss the experience.

So as you can see LIFE has been quite interesting and then to add even more juice to it all, we all bought a house, FINALLY. We will be moving soon and when I say soon I mean in a few days. Something new coming our way again, quite interesting hey but most times I feel like we have been extremely favored and blessed. However over the pass few days I have been really thinking about my blog and getting back into it again because it is also my means of venting. So here I am, lets see how much it lasts this time :)

2011

Even though we are already 4 months into the new year, i still think its never to late to speak about it. So now that we are into the new year for some it has been great for others it hasnt been great. There are people who believe there will be change in their lives this year and there are people who believe nothing will happen at all for themselves.

I personally think that lots is gonna happen this year and thus far for me its been an awesome year. Why??? because my lord our god above has been watching over me and protecting me and bringing nothing but goodness to my life in his name. this year is definitely a total difference for me because one of the biggest events in life will be happening. I will be getting married and im looking forward to the event and to my new life the only thing i take with me into my new life as i enter it that was part of my old life is GOD.

In saying that i believe its the only way to get through life is with trust, love, belief and understand that there is someone up above looking out for you and me and everyone else. here is to a wonderful new year and to lots of joy and happiness

Happiness

Im sitting at my desk thinking about how different my life is now and how much more better my relationship is with my partner at the moment and this overwhelming feeling of happiness comes over me and i am all teared up. Over the past almost 2yrs we have possibly gone through almost each and every bad issue or problem a relationship could ever have and well at the end of the day we have gotten through it and gotten over it and we still remain together. Reminds me strongely about the saying that goes "God brought you to it and he will bring you through it" Im so glad i have the lord my god on my side cause i didnt think i could ever experience the happiness i am now.

Things between us now are so much more different and better, i can now truly feel like i am with someone who loves me for who i am and is not trying to change me. He has realised that the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, there are not many females out there who is like me. Most females today walk away when the tough times arise. But me i stuck it out, i fought for my relationship and what i believe in. I believed and never gave up on him and i did it all with the strength that god has given me. So today i can sit with tears of joy in my eyes cause i am sooo happy i dont think there is a word out there to describe the way i feel. I didnt think that my partner would be the person that he is now. Finally he can be him, without having to worry about whether he will get hurt in the process.A few weeks back when we had a heart to heart conversation he told me how he had felt about me and told me why he was the type of person he was and that is because he was hurt in the past and he doesnt blame me but he wants me to know that everything that we have gone through and everything we have put into the relationship will all be worth it in the end cause he can feel himself giving more to me and the relationship because i will not do to him what his past did and his confidant of that. he promised me that one day when i get to really experience who he really is then i would be happy cause he will be happy and he would make me happy and that day has come and i thank god that it is here.

On Saturday he spoke to one of his friends and told his friend that he cherishes me cause there is only one me and im one in a million and while he was saying that i was saying to someone else the same thing. How in sync are we? definitely in sync. My bestfriend met him for the first time and he told me that we are so well suited for each other so much so we fit like a glove and in these days and times of today we dont often find that but when we do we should hold on to what we have. I believe that we started with god and he is working his ways in our relationship and he always will.We are stronger today then what we were months ago and with each passing day we are growing closer and stronger and the bond we have is becoming more and more stable.

To be with someone like this and to feel the way i do about someone is a first for me. i always thought i knew what love was but i was proved wrong the day i met him. I find myself loving him more and more every single day and him me and god is making it possible for us to feel the way we do about each other.It is a feeling that i do not want to end and its a feeling that i want to keep in my heart and mind for many years to come. Im so happy and in love i think its crazy but its not. I found my knight in shining armour. i found my rose between the thorns and most of all i found the man i want to be with for the rest of my life.

New Month New Season

There is just something that happens, when the weather changes, it changes people. Which is for some really odd and for others actually understandable. i can vouch for the weather playing a part in moods, cause i am one of those people who gets highly affected by the weather changing. So what is upon us now is that as of the 1st September as the seasons would have it we have entered into Spring season. But by the looks of the weather i personally think that we will only really see a proper spring day in about a week or so.

Now to my point, i dont know there is just something about this change in season that has got me thinking about many things that has currently happened over the past few months. There was good moments and then there was bad moments, just like your typical rollercoaster. However this morning i just feel a sense of refreshed and renewed and calming mood over myself. I dont know where this comes from cause naturally i am not a morning person. So that is why i am putting it all down to the fact that the weather is changing. I actually think that there are people out there that would actually agree with me.

The past week felt like i was being tested in every sense, inch and emotion of my well being. I dont know whether i have passed the test or not but like i said this morning i just feel like i dont want the bad moments of the past few weeks and months to follow me into the new month and the new season. so how does one start all over again? i dont really know, all i did was close my eyes, woke up this morning went down on my knees, left for work and made up my mind that i will try my best to be all smiles as of now. For someone like me that would be hard but hey what do i have to lose trying? NOTHING!!!!!

Overwhelming Happiness

Every morning i find myself all moody etc, mainly because i am not a morning person. However this morning or shall i say today, i feel like this new person overwhelmed with happiness. Why mainly because things are finally starting to take shape, fall into place and feel so so right. A few months ago i had a taste of what i am feeling today but it got taken away from me for a period of about three months. I didnt know what to do cause i didnt know whether i could handle the situation i faced.

What i then did was the only thing i could do and that was go on my knees and turn to god. I spoke to him, told him how i feel and what was presently happening in my life. i told him to take over my life and i laid it all in his hands. if it is in his will, it will be and i trust in him. Its amazing how talking to god and trusting and believing him can turn things around. The turning point came two weeks ago, i knew about it, i could feel it but not as much as i can feel it this morning and the way i felt it last night. God allowed me to have the strength and talk to my partner about a problem we were having. Much to my surprise, my partner reacted in a way that he hasn't reacted in a while. He was sensitive and understanding and that was literally the third time since we started dating almost 2yrs ago that i was shown this side of him. He to then started speaking his heart and telling me how he feels and that right there was a turning point.

My partner turned into the person he is and not the one he was pretending to be all the time. He was himself, seeing him cry whilst speaking to me was such an amazing sight. Since then his been to me a very different man, when really he is finally being himself. His come to me this week to tell me that he thinks we should start thinking about our future again. We should start getting into buying things for our house again and that it is time for us to really start focusing on our future. Hearing those words come out of his mouth is something that i have been looking forward to for the past three months and i was at a point where i thought it is not going to happen and we were not going to have a future anymore. But i was wrong, since talking to him two weeks ago and him also talking about how he feels, things has definitely turned around and right now things are looking brighter and feels better and we are happy as we finally now are starting to put our relationship as a main focus.

Last night we sat down and ticked off everything we have already bought and made a list of everything that still needs to be bought and the most important thing that we mutually decided last night is that we will devote ourselves to going to church and spending more time worshipping and praising the man we have to owe it all to. He brought us together at a time when we both needed it. He gave us a chance to grow, he allowed us to build a strong relationship and his love for us will not end nor will he forsake us. We owe it all to the man above for allowing us and giving us a chance to be happier then what we have ever been before. The feeling is really undescribeable and all i can say is you have to experience it to know how it feels. Thank you lord for all you have done for us and for all you still plan on doing for us~~

A Mothers Cry

Over the past two days, i have been emailing one of my friends who is Australian and lives in Australia. She has recently found out that one of her son's has been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and to make matters worse her baby of a few months old is showing signs of it as well. She is a single mother who has 4 kids and the dad is just a useless piece of junk (in my eyes). He doesnt want to really be apart of his children's lives but when they need him to sign a parental consent for one of them to do something he kicks against the curb not wanting to sign anything and he is just plain difficult, making things even more difficult for my friend.

As we continue to talk about how she feels and what she is going through at the moment i can really sense that she is hurting, i mean this is her child. Regardless of the fact that she is a single mother, like every mother out there she loves her child and it is hurting her to be experiencing this in her life. i feel so bad cause i cant help her in anyway other then allow her to talk about how she feels and what this is doing to her. i must say yesterday talking to her she was freaking out not knowing how she will cope with the whole situation but i have tried to make her see things from all angles and i am glad to say that today she is feeling much much better.

This makes me think seeing as South Africa recently celebrated Womans day that this in a weird way is kind of fitting. It makes me think that us females are strong enough to with stand anything and everything that is thrown our way.We deal with it the best way we can possibly think of dealing with it which is a gift from GOD. he bring us to it and he will bring us through it if we allow it which i really think we should do. We as woman dont really realise our strength or the ability we have to handle things because we believe that we cant get through it but the minute we do, we are so amazed, Why i do not know.

I believe that God will see my friend through this time in life and help her in every way possible to get through this and allow her and her children to experience some happiness and see that tomorrow bring a brighter day. I will be as supportive as i can be all the way down here from South Africa and she knows it.

Motivation

Ever so now and then we all need a little bit of motivation or something that we all turn to that reminds us who we are and what we are capable of. Some of us go down on our knees and pray to the Lord our saviour to find what we are looking for. Others look to materialistic things like a favourite T Shirt or a favourite song or a favourite photo. Either way we all have something or someone that we turn to that we draw strength from or get motivation from.

Whenever i was feeling this way, craving for motivation or looking for it, there was only ever two places i would go to, to find what i was looking for. The one was just sitting and emailing my bestfriend who lives in the UK, she would put things in great perspective for me and it always use to help but we cant always rely on others to help us or be there for us as they also have lives to live and issues to over come. My second place was none other then sitting infront of my music player and listening to my favourite Eminem song - Sings for the Moment. Yes some might say this is weird and how would it give me what i need but until you have listened to it you will never know why.

Doing this was always something that helped me until one day i decided to change and find motivation somewhere else and much to my surprise it has done wonders. It didnt matter how low i was feeling or how depressed i was the minute i did my new thing i felt so much better. I started going down on my knees and having personal conversations with God. Even now sitting at my desk, i didnt have a very good evening and barely got any sleep yet i know in my heart of hearts that what i must do is pray and he will take away all the tiredness, frustration, depression and all those negative things that makes us feel this way.

Im glad that i have decided to look to god and trust and believe in him, since i have done this things has been amazing, yes it can not all change in a day but change is inevitable and god only helps those who helps themselves. Which is why i give him all the honour and all the praise cause he deserves it more then anyone else. For we all go through life by his strength and no one elses. So if you have been looking elsewhere for motivation, help or just a conversation i suggest you change and go down on your knees and make friends with the Lord for he is the start and he is the end.

Discussions

Monday morning and i must say that it actually doesnt feel like a monday or like they would dub it Blue Monday. I guess its because i got a good nights rest and also yesterday i spent the day with my boyfriend and his parents. We ended up having a discussion about us and whatever issues we had or thought we had. Which for me was actually a good thing as we barely do sit down and discuss issues so when the opportunity presented itself yesterday i welcomed it with open arms and im glad that he did too.

Over the past few weeks i havent really been happy and i have been having a few struggles and worries that was really getting to me with regards to our relationship. Much to my surprise he was actually paying attention to the way i have been acting the past few weeks and yesterday we sat down and discussed all our issues we thought we had. Whats funny is after our discussion we had realise that we didnt have big or major issues that would make things go wrong or that would cause break ups etc. you know those big or massive issues people have in their relationships that they just cant seem to work through. those type of issues we thought we had but after talking we realise that we were so wrong and so far off that it was shocking.

One of the best things he couldve said last night was that "no matter what issues or problems we have and had, we always over came it or over come it and we always work through it" and i thought well that is because we are trying to build a strong foundation and strong relationship. It was good to know that he thought that of us and that he had that confidance in our relationship, that we can overcome issues or problems. Its funny how us females always under estimate our partners. mainly because like me we always tend to want to do everything ourselves and dont believe or trust or have faith or even have alot of confidence in our partners to do alot for our relationships. we would rather feel comfortable doing it ourselves cause we think it would be done correctly not thinking that maybe just maybe if we gave our partners the credit and the opportunity to do something then it might even end up better then what we wouldve done or then what we thought.

Admittingly i am one of those females and as i told him yesterday that sometimes i feel a certain way because of things that use to happen in the past, can he blame me for feeling that way? and he said no he cant but i must learn to leave it in the past cause we as a couple has learned to move forward and again i need to learn to believe in him or have faith in his ability to do whats right. The minute i do that i will see the change i want to see and i think he has a point right there. As i said us females we believe that we should rather do certain things before our partner does it. One thing i can say is that i am feeling much better after discussing things with him and i am ready to allow our relationship to progress forward positively which means im starting to working on my "have faith in his ability" and believe that he is able and willing to also do as much as i do for us.

So now i need to chill and relax like one of my friends told me last week when i was talking to him about how i feel and he said i need to relax and allow my partner to show me that he does love me and he is committed to me and he does want a future with me. Odd thing is when i think about it now secretly i think Gawain knew after about a month that i was the one he wanted to get married to. Like he said one day, he would rather go through the storms of life with me then go through life with some one else~~~

Nough Said!!!!!!

Redirection of the mind

I dont know if i am the only one that does this, im sure i am not but have you ever decided on doing something and then you get all ampted up about it but then suddenly your mind redirects to the what if's? Dont you just hate it when that happens? i know i do and i cant fathom it, really! i dont know why it happens.

I sometimes think it happens to much, the tiniest little thing can make me redirect my mind. Like for example, i went out and did my whole transformation thing as per the post below and i was happy i started doing it. I felt great and i felt different and i liked it BUT i was really looking forward to one persons opinion on it and guess what that person didnt even comment. Even when i asked what the person thought all i got was a "yep twas nice" i sat there thinking WTF and that clearly has definitely put me off the whole transformation thing, question is: should i allow it????

Being the person that i am, i have a tendancy to really think things through before doing it however, keeping my mind set on it is a totally different thing.i think my biggest accomplishment at the moment that i have my mind set on is what i have arranged for myself and Gawain to celebrate our two year anniversary. If the way i planned it in my mind, works out on the day to what i want it to be or even better then i know that i can stop myself from redirecting my mind.

wow now i feel like im blabbering over crap lol but seriously how does one not allow this to happen? think we should all take the time to figure it out!!

Transformation

Apparently, i am not feminine enough lol, well i must admit that is kinda true. So lets see about 14yrs ago someone near and dear to me passed away from a disease called cysticfibrosis (disease of the lungs). We were like brother and sister and did almost everything together. When he died i told myself that i would remember him by continueing to do the things we enjoyed doing and that of course was when i became a tomboy. Since then i have done things like help fix the car, help paint the house, fix odd things around the house etc. All the kind of things we would expect our fathers, brothers, bf's etc to do i ended up doing.

With that came the dressing souly in jeans (sometimes baggy) and tees and lets not forget one of the most comfortable things they have ever invented, the sneaker. i must admit that as nice it is just to slap on something this easy it is time to start making some changes. so what i did to start all the changes was cut my very long hair at the time to above my ears and i shaved my legs something i told myself i would never do. but hey i ended up doing it and honestly i thought it would take alot out of me to keep doing the shaving etc but it hasnt. which probably means that its now like second nature to me to shave.

then i started wearing heels and oh my word i love heels (clearly the female in me coming out) however i rarely attend events or functions where it would require me to dress up and wear heels. so my next move was trim my brows, also something i thought was going to be hard and would take alot of time but again i was wrong, it comes natural to me now that i would look myself in the mirror and say "hold on sort those brows out". i added more to this transformation by taking my time in the shop looking for the ladies deodorant, hand creams, body lotions and good hair products. So i have that going for myself at the moment and its going really well.

But the main thing that i have been stalling to change was my dress sense, why?? cause i love my jeans and track pants. but over the past few weeks learned that i can still wear jeans but i just have to get a few pairs that shows my feminine side (thats peoples ways of saying feminine curves) and changes from tees to tops and sneakers to pumps. So i agree the jeans i will do, the tops mmmm yeah that i can do too but my sneakers! is it really necessary for me to give that up as well? cause if that is so im not smiling.

hey i have nothing to loose really so it wont kill me to try out this new thing. So all i can say right now is wish me luck, i hope i can pull off this girly thing that im going to be getting into. With the help of a few of my lady friends im sure i will be ok ( i hope, cause im shyt nervous lol can you believe it)

wish me luck!!!!!!!!

Frustration

Over the past two - three days i have been feeling majorly frustrated and i dont know why or maybe i do but im just not really as focused as to what it is. One thing i can say is that i hate feeling this way, makes me just want to stand and scream the mountains off and i find it odd. Its funny how one tiny little comment can change then entire mood or way of somethings for quite sometime whether it was intentional or not.

I do however know that this feeling will pass (hopefully soon) and i do know that im only going through this for some reason which i havent really even focused on finding out what the reason even is. i have been so spazzed lately i cant even focus correctly on whats going on around me. dont know my left from my right and i am emotional big time. i should really get down to what is making me feel this way and well really i think it has to do with my relationship and the way things are going right now.

Really now i wish all this can stop cause i cant take it anymore. cant we all just be left to love each other and be happy? does there always have to be a time that comes around where we hit rock bottom? i know i shouldnt be questioning the way things are going right now but its kinda hard not to and i mean i am only human and this is what we do. i really need to move on with my life and forget about the past few days, weeks and bad two months. as hard as it is this is something that needs to be done.

how will i do it, well i think a shopping spree is in order!!!!!!!

Rejuvenated

This morning i got up with this strong sense of rejuvenation and besides that i even got up in a good mood. Its 15h30pm and im still in that good mood, for someone who isnt a morning person this is like WOW to me. But i can honestly admit that i like it. I like this feeling and i hope i can continue to feel this way, today, tomorrow and for many more days to come. I do however know why i got up feeling this way and what i did to, how can i put it? release the shackles of morbidness that i have been feeling over the past two months (on and off that is).

You know how people can take sooooo much and then one day they just cant anymore and just put their foot down sighting "Enough is Enough, ive had it". I somewhat think that, that is where i found myself last night. However i didnt say those words but i definitely was thinking it. I just feel like right now, walking around morbit and always thinking negatively is not gonna get me to where i want to be and its definitely not gonna get me what i want.

So to reiterate what happened last night, after an eventful day of emotions i got home and sat down, counted till 10, breathed and went down on my knees. I spoke to the man above and i didnt find myself moaning, or nagging, or wishing. All i did was thank him for blessing me with life. For giving me the strength to get through each and everyday and allowing me to learn new things and experience life the way he wants me to. The end of that conversation definitely without a doubt in my mind changed my entire mindset and mood.

However i ended up getting a consolation prize, The past two months in my relationship it hasnt exactly been a bed of roses. We have been going through a very bad patch. Communication between us wasnt so great, things just wasnt on the right level like it use to be. As every relationship has its up's and its down's so does and did ours. So we went through about 6months of total and absolutely great up's and we were just left speeches as to how amazing things were and then the tiniest little issue knocked us off our high horse and we came falling down and have been struggling for the past two months to get through this bad phase.

Last night after speaking to my partner, we said quite a few things but the best thing that couldve been said last night came from him and it gave me this sense of confidance and happiness that yes we are on our way back up again. My consolation prize was my partner telling me "We always get through these bad phases". For me to see and hear a man say that is like concurring the world cause men they usually do not say how they feel or speak their minds very easily and he did that last night.

Today i feel like a somewhat new person and tomorrow i know that i will feel even better. Because i am not gonna let anything push me back into that morbid state i was in. A friend once told me that i need to stop looking at the negativity and stop looking back. In order for me to succeed in getting to where i want and how i want and what i want. i need to keep moving forward and stop being negative. As hard as it is for me cause i have been dubbed a very negative person who has a short temper that can stress easily, i definitely wanna try this positive thing, if the way i feel today is what positivity makes a person feel like. Then i definitely wanna be positive and think positively.

Its amazing what pray can do and what one little line of belief or positivity can do to boast one's mood.

Wish me luck for my new path, its not gonna be easy but, nothing ever is!

Conversations with God

Everyday i find myself learning something new, everyday i find myself in a different mood, everyday is just different from the other. We don't always do what our minds are set out to do but we do things as they come. The one thing that i know i do on a daily basis is have the most amazing conversations with God about two or three times a day. if there is one thing i wish for then it is to be able to hear him talk back to me. I would probably faint from excitement but i think it would go down well.

I enjoy those conversations cause i get to to say what i feel and whats exactly on my heart and i wont be judged for the way i feel or for what i am saying. the best part of it is, is that i feel closer to him with every single conversation. i feel so much better after speaking to him, it usually feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. the saying that goes "god only helps those who helps themselves" i can say comfortably that i believe that saying is true. however you would get some people who would say but how and where do i start.

The day should start with god and end with god, that is where you start. You wake up in the morning and you thank god for allowing you to wake up to another day and to face another day and to learn what that day brings. We often take this for grated and tend to forget that he must get all the honour and all the praise. many would say but we are only human however i believe that when you commit to something you should stick to your commitments.

When I'm feeling down or when I'm feeling really good about myself and the way things are going, not a day goes by where i do not take the time to go down on my knees and thank the man above. With him in our lives we can concur everything and anything. I recently went through a bad patch in my life and i asked myself why me? why should i always be the one to go through all of these things and then i realised that things happen for a reason and we should find out what that reason is.

There are people out there who goes through worse turmoils then i do and i should be thankful that i am able to find the strength to go through these things and learn. I know that even though i put my situations, my ups and downs in the hands of god. that i mustn't always expect him to do everything. its amazing how when you take the time out to have a conversation with god that you get this overwhelmingly great feeling come over you that brings you a sense of warmth and an automatic smile.

Its just such an awesome feeling that is sooo hard to explain. so i urge everyone to take the time out doesn't matter where or what time of the day but have your conversation with god i promise you he is listening and he is in that conversation more then you would've ever guessed~~

Wedding Diary 4

Yes the wedding is back on, after a month of hectic vibes and that bad dark cloud that was over us, things are starting to clear up and get back to the way it was again. Its amazing that the things you expect the least to help you get through bad and rough patches are the things that actually helps you. Sometimes i think we live in an odd world where nothing makes sense and at the same time it all makes perfect sense.

I guess god puts us in certain situations for a reason, to see how we will handle it however knowing that we can handle it. the saying that goes god brings you to it and will bring you through it, really is more then just a saying it is a fact and it is something that i have learned over the pass month. Gawain is learning more about me daily and i am learning more about him daily but what is more important is that we have learned to stick together and get through our obstacles together as one.

Every morning i wake up with him telling me how much he loves me and every morning i tell him how much i love him. We pray together and we believe in what we have and what god has given us. Glad we are taking each other by the hands and walking side by side into our future and continuing to build the relationship we have into a stronger one. I never thought it could get stronger then what it is now but i am wrong, never say never i guess cause everyday is a new day,filled with new challenges and lessons and we are ready to take it on.

Now to check my wedding list to see whatelse needs my attention :)

Stumbling Blocks

Suddenly my life has reached a stumbling block and right now i am at my wits end as i do not know what to do. Over the past month things has been the greatest between my partner and i. We had an argument about something that i thought at the time was so small it didnt carry any weight. I also thought at the time that after the argument and us apologising to each other that everything was fine and sorted and that we have moved on from there. I was wrong, my partners attitude started changing toward me and the relationship and things started looking different,until yesterday when his cup definitely over flowed and he came out with it and told me that he was still upset about that argument. So upset that he told me, he doesnt want to get married next year anymore. That crushed me and it hurt and like every other woman i reacted by bursting into tears.

He later on told me that he feels that he isnt ready to get married. He went on telling me why and well currently he feels like i keep throwing his sacrifices in his face as if i dont care and if it wasnt enough that he broke ties with certain people to be with me. maybe he is right about that but at the end of the day regardless of what he has to say i think he is just not ready to get married. its not that he doesnt want to be with me, its just that his just scared or not ready for marriage. Even though i feel hurt and crushed and all those other words. cried yesterday like a big baby and even cried myself to sleep last night at the end of the day there isnt much i can do but hope and pray that somehow someway god will bring us back to where we were over a month ago. When we were happy, we were doing things together and there was little to know fighting going on.

I love him and i want to be with him, i do believe that he does love me and that he does want to be with me. However things are just different for men then what it is for woman. Woman can adapt much easier then a man and they just find that committing to someone and something is easier then what it is for a man. I have gone down on my knees and prayed to god that he will keep us and bring us back to where were. Right now the only thing i can do is believe and trust in god and all his might and what he can do. This is now an essence of time and patiences and the only thing i can do is give this situation time and let god do his work. I pray that he will allow my partner to see that allowing something so small to come between us and we are something so big, will do nothing but break us down and if he doesnt want us to break down then he will stop allowing little things to come between us. I know God will make a way and i know God has brought us together and he has put us out for each other. I know he will keep us bonded.

Romans 1:17

"And Jesus said unto them ... , "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you."

Changes

Today has changed my mindset about somethings and mainly life big time. Not only have i experienced the joy of knowing that my friend gave birth to her little boy today but i also experienced pain two hours later. I got told by the person that i love more then anything and i would without a doubt do anything for that person and yes of course i am talking about my boyfriend Gawain, confirmed my worse fear ever. He confirmed or rather just took it upon himself to tell that the wedding we were or i was planning for the 29th October 2011, well he doesnt want to get married next year anymore.

That bit of information hit me so hard i didnt know whether i was sitting, standing, laying, sleeping, dreaming, nightmaring. Didnt know my left from my right, top from bottom i just got hit harder then i could ever imagine. I mean here we are every single month buying things for our future home and at the same time planning a wedding and well bam he hits me with that bit of information. All i said was thank you for letting me know and i left the conversation without getting a why, how come or anything like that. i couldnt bring myself to asking or finding out because i didnt really expect it.

Im sitting at my desk now not knowing which way forward and not really sure what i should think. All i know is that i am really hurt and dont know how to react other then ball my eyes out every few seconds of the day as i cant contain my emotions as this wouldve been one of the biggest days of not just my life but his and his parents and my parents and our families. atleast not many people from my end knew about the wedding including my parents. So yeah thats the easy part, there isnt alot of people to tell from my end. but many know from his side, so he is going to have to tell them that he no longer wants to get married. As for me i guess i will rather allow this to strength me.

New Life

On this day at 10h20 South African time and 9h20 British time, a little baby boy was born. My bestfriend of 5yrs gave birth to her 3rd child after quite a few years. Bringing another life into this world is not something that i have experienced yet. However new life brought into this world is a gift from god and changes everything. I have experience of two new lives coming into mine and my home in a form of my nephew and neice.

They are so precious and so special, a day doesnt go by where there isnt something new they teach me something and where they dont learn something from me. Before they were born things at home was dull and boring. Yet now you find little feet running around, you hear fine and tiny little voices and most of us well everyone doesnt like being woken up early but hey that the duty of a kid. I personally cant wait for the day when its my turn. I dont know whether i will be ready but what do know is that my life will change even more then what it has over the past two years.

To Lisa, even though you have done the mummy thing already with Kieran and Shannon, there is no greater feeling then having to do it again. I know that you already are the coolest mum i know and that baby could not have asked for someone better to be his mum. I hope he will bring you as much joy as his brother and sister and i hope that he keeps them short and remind them daily that his the youngest and he can get anyways with anything and everything LOL. i cant wait to see baby until then and until he gets his name, Congrats Lisa and Terry he is a gift in a way that you least expect it and let the good times and nappy changing begin :)

Wedding Diary 3

So with 529 days to go to the big day, i guess its time to reflect on the colours of the wedding, how exciting :). We just started talking and suddenly the colour choosing came up and much to i surprise well to my surprise, as hard as i thought it was going to be choosing the right colour, it wasnt hard at all. We didnt want to choose the same colours of weddings we have attended already so for me the task was kinda going to be a mission. But Gawain came to the rescue and made the decision for us much easier.

We both wanted black as our base colour as we have attended alot of functions not just weddings where their base colour and decor was white. So we said as we want our wedding to be different and unique we want the base colour black. Then we took my favourite colour and matched it with the black and decided against it for the mere that it is such a common colour and many people use it. So black and blue was a no, no. We then matched his favourite colour with the black and well what cant i say other then breathtaking. His facvourite colour is Wine Red and when you add that to the black you get those most amazing blend of colour and gives a sense of romance and intimacy. Which is nice to add up to a theme which is what our wedding is. but will have that in the next wedding diary.

However cause the two colours are dark i thought we needed a bright colour to break it and just have that sense of romantic yet everything put well together. I suggested we break the dark colours with Silver cause once again we steered away from white. He liked the silver and bam a smile from me and a smile from Mr Johannes. We knew immediately that we had come to a conclusion and that was the colours of our wedding.

Black, Wine Red & Silver.

Cant wait for the 500 days to be over so we could be closer to the wedding. I love the colour and it will make our guests see just how much we love each other and what we feel for each other which is exactly what we want.