Weird

Its odd how 1 minute you feel like you on top of the world and the next you feel like youve had the life sucked out of you.I dont know what it is or how it gets that way.I guess we all have our good days and then we are allowed to have our off days.Whats weird is that everyone including me never welcomes these off days.Not really thinking that it is ok to have them.Lol sometimes figuring life out is just super weird.

Happiness

Im sitting at my desk thinking about how different my life is now and how much more better my relationship is with my partner at the moment and this overwhelming feeling of happiness comes over me and i am all teared up. Over the past almost 2yrs we have possibly gone through almost each and every bad issue or problem a relationship could ever have and well at the end of the day we have gotten through it and gotten over it and we still remain together. Reminds me strongely about the saying that goes "God brought you to it and he will bring you through it" Im so glad i have the lord my god on my side cause i didnt think i could ever experience the happiness i am now.

Things between us now are so much more different and better, i can now truly feel like i am with someone who loves me for who i am and is not trying to change me. He has realised that the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, there are not many females out there who is like me. Most females today walk away when the tough times arise. But me i stuck it out, i fought for my relationship and what i believe in. I believed and never gave up on him and i did it all with the strength that god has given me. So today i can sit with tears of joy in my eyes cause i am sooo happy i dont think there is a word out there to describe the way i feel. I didnt think that my partner would be the person that he is now. Finally he can be him, without having to worry about whether he will get hurt in the process.A few weeks back when we had a heart to heart conversation he told me how he had felt about me and told me why he was the type of person he was and that is because he was hurt in the past and he doesnt blame me but he wants me to know that everything that we have gone through and everything we have put into the relationship will all be worth it in the end cause he can feel himself giving more to me and the relationship because i will not do to him what his past did and his confidant of that. he promised me that one day when i get to really experience who he really is then i would be happy cause he will be happy and he would make me happy and that day has come and i thank god that it is here.

On Saturday he spoke to one of his friends and told his friend that he cherishes me cause there is only one me and im one in a million and while he was saying that i was saying to someone else the same thing. How in sync are we? definitely in sync. My bestfriend met him for the first time and he told me that we are so well suited for each other so much so we fit like a glove and in these days and times of today we dont often find that but when we do we should hold on to what we have. I believe that we started with god and he is working his ways in our relationship and he always will.We are stronger today then what we were months ago and with each passing day we are growing closer and stronger and the bond we have is becoming more and more stable.

To be with someone like this and to feel the way i do about someone is a first for me. i always thought i knew what love was but i was proved wrong the day i met him. I find myself loving him more and more every single day and him me and god is making it possible for us to feel the way we do about each other.It is a feeling that i do not want to end and its a feeling that i want to keep in my heart and mind for many years to come. Im so happy and in love i think its crazy but its not. I found my knight in shining armour. i found my rose between the thorns and most of all i found the man i want to be with for the rest of my life.

New Month New Season

There is just something that happens, when the weather changes, it changes people. Which is for some really odd and for others actually understandable. i can vouch for the weather playing a part in moods, cause i am one of those people who gets highly affected by the weather changing. So what is upon us now is that as of the 1st September as the seasons would have it we have entered into Spring season. But by the looks of the weather i personally think that we will only really see a proper spring day in about a week or so.

Now to my point, i dont know there is just something about this change in season that has got me thinking about many things that has currently happened over the past few months. There was good moments and then there was bad moments, just like your typical rollercoaster. However this morning i just feel a sense of refreshed and renewed and calming mood over myself. I dont know where this comes from cause naturally i am not a morning person. So that is why i am putting it all down to the fact that the weather is changing. I actually think that there are people out there that would actually agree with me.

The past week felt like i was being tested in every sense, inch and emotion of my well being. I dont know whether i have passed the test or not but like i said this morning i just feel like i dont want the bad moments of the past few weeks and months to follow me into the new month and the new season. so how does one start all over again? i dont really know, all i did was close my eyes, woke up this morning went down on my knees, left for work and made up my mind that i will try my best to be all smiles as of now. For someone like me that would be hard but hey what do i have to lose trying? NOTHING!!!!!

Overwhelming Happiness

Every morning i find myself all moody etc, mainly because i am not a morning person. However this morning or shall i say today, i feel like this new person overwhelmed with happiness. Why mainly because things are finally starting to take shape, fall into place and feel so so right. A few months ago i had a taste of what i am feeling today but it got taken away from me for a period of about three months. I didnt know what to do cause i didnt know whether i could handle the situation i faced.

What i then did was the only thing i could do and that was go on my knees and turn to god. I spoke to him, told him how i feel and what was presently happening in my life. i told him to take over my life and i laid it all in his hands. if it is in his will, it will be and i trust in him. Its amazing how talking to god and trusting and believing him can turn things around. The turning point came two weeks ago, i knew about it, i could feel it but not as much as i can feel it this morning and the way i felt it last night. God allowed me to have the strength and talk to my partner about a problem we were having. Much to my surprise, my partner reacted in a way that he hasn't reacted in a while. He was sensitive and understanding and that was literally the third time since we started dating almost 2yrs ago that i was shown this side of him. He to then started speaking his heart and telling me how he feels and that right there was a turning point.

My partner turned into the person he is and not the one he was pretending to be all the time. He was himself, seeing him cry whilst speaking to me was such an amazing sight. Since then his been to me a very different man, when really he is finally being himself. His come to me this week to tell me that he thinks we should start thinking about our future again. We should start getting into buying things for our house again and that it is time for us to really start focusing on our future. Hearing those words come out of his mouth is something that i have been looking forward to for the past three months and i was at a point where i thought it is not going to happen and we were not going to have a future anymore. But i was wrong, since talking to him two weeks ago and him also talking about how he feels, things has definitely turned around and right now things are looking brighter and feels better and we are happy as we finally now are starting to put our relationship as a main focus.

Last night we sat down and ticked off everything we have already bought and made a list of everything that still needs to be bought and the most important thing that we mutually decided last night is that we will devote ourselves to going to church and spending more time worshipping and praising the man we have to owe it all to. He brought us together at a time when we both needed it. He gave us a chance to grow, he allowed us to build a strong relationship and his love for us will not end nor will he forsake us. We owe it all to the man above for allowing us and giving us a chance to be happier then what we have ever been before. The feeling is really undescribeable and all i can say is you have to experience it to know how it feels. Thank you lord for all you have done for us and for all you still plan on doing for us~~

A Mothers Cry

Over the past two days, i have been emailing one of my friends who is Australian and lives in Australia. She has recently found out that one of her son's has been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and to make matters worse her baby of a few months old is showing signs of it as well. She is a single mother who has 4 kids and the dad is just a useless piece of junk (in my eyes). He doesnt want to really be apart of his children's lives but when they need him to sign a parental consent for one of them to do something he kicks against the curb not wanting to sign anything and he is just plain difficult, making things even more difficult for my friend.

As we continue to talk about how she feels and what she is going through at the moment i can really sense that she is hurting, i mean this is her child. Regardless of the fact that she is a single mother, like every mother out there she loves her child and it is hurting her to be experiencing this in her life. i feel so bad cause i cant help her in anyway other then allow her to talk about how she feels and what this is doing to her. i must say yesterday talking to her she was freaking out not knowing how she will cope with the whole situation but i have tried to make her see things from all angles and i am glad to say that today she is feeling much much better.

This makes me think seeing as South Africa recently celebrated Womans day that this in a weird way is kind of fitting. It makes me think that us females are strong enough to with stand anything and everything that is thrown our way.We deal with it the best way we can possibly think of dealing with it which is a gift from GOD. he bring us to it and he will bring us through it if we allow it which i really think we should do. We as woman dont really realise our strength or the ability we have to handle things because we believe that we cant get through it but the minute we do, we are so amazed, Why i do not know.

I believe that God will see my friend through this time in life and help her in every way possible to get through this and allow her and her children to experience some happiness and see that tomorrow bring a brighter day. I will be as supportive as i can be all the way down here from South Africa and she knows it.

Discussions

Monday morning and i must say that it actually doesnt feel like a monday or like they would dub it Blue Monday. I guess its because i got a good nights rest and also yesterday i spent the day with my boyfriend and his parents. We ended up having a discussion about us and whatever issues we had or thought we had. Which for me was actually a good thing as we barely do sit down and discuss issues so when the opportunity presented itself yesterday i welcomed it with open arms and im glad that he did too.

Over the past few weeks i havent really been happy and i have been having a few struggles and worries that was really getting to me with regards to our relationship. Much to my surprise he was actually paying attention to the way i have been acting the past few weeks and yesterday we sat down and discussed all our issues we thought we had. Whats funny is after our discussion we had realise that we didnt have big or major issues that would make things go wrong or that would cause break ups etc. you know those big or massive issues people have in their relationships that they just cant seem to work through. those type of issues we thought we had but after talking we realise that we were so wrong and so far off that it was shocking.

One of the best things he couldve said last night was that "no matter what issues or problems we have and had, we always over came it or over come it and we always work through it" and i thought well that is because we are trying to build a strong foundation and strong relationship. It was good to know that he thought that of us and that he had that confidance in our relationship, that we can overcome issues or problems. Its funny how us females always under estimate our partners. mainly because like me we always tend to want to do everything ourselves and dont believe or trust or have faith or even have alot of confidence in our partners to do alot for our relationships. we would rather feel comfortable doing it ourselves cause we think it would be done correctly not thinking that maybe just maybe if we gave our partners the credit and the opportunity to do something then it might even end up better then what we wouldve done or then what we thought.

Admittingly i am one of those females and as i told him yesterday that sometimes i feel a certain way because of things that use to happen in the past, can he blame me for feeling that way? and he said no he cant but i must learn to leave it in the past cause we as a couple has learned to move forward and again i need to learn to believe in him or have faith in his ability to do whats right. The minute i do that i will see the change i want to see and i think he has a point right there. As i said us females we believe that we should rather do certain things before our partner does it. One thing i can say is that i am feeling much better after discussing things with him and i am ready to allow our relationship to progress forward positively which means im starting to working on my "have faith in his ability" and believe that he is able and willing to also do as much as i do for us.

So now i need to chill and relax like one of my friends told me last week when i was talking to him about how i feel and he said i need to relax and allow my partner to show me that he does love me and he is committed to me and he does want a future with me. Odd thing is when i think about it now secretly i think Gawain knew after about a month that i was the one he wanted to get married to. Like he said one day, he would rather go through the storms of life with me then go through life with some one else~~~

Nough Said!!!!!!

Redirection of the mind

I dont know if i am the only one that does this, im sure i am not but have you ever decided on doing something and then you get all ampted up about it but then suddenly your mind redirects to the what if's? Dont you just hate it when that happens? i know i do and i cant fathom it, really! i dont know why it happens.

I sometimes think it happens to much, the tiniest little thing can make me redirect my mind. Like for example, i went out and did my whole transformation thing as per the post below and i was happy i started doing it. I felt great and i felt different and i liked it BUT i was really looking forward to one persons opinion on it and guess what that person didnt even comment. Even when i asked what the person thought all i got was a "yep twas nice" i sat there thinking WTF and that clearly has definitely put me off the whole transformation thing, question is: should i allow it????

Being the person that i am, i have a tendancy to really think things through before doing it however, keeping my mind set on it is a totally different thing.i think my biggest accomplishment at the moment that i have my mind set on is what i have arranged for myself and Gawain to celebrate our two year anniversary. If the way i planned it in my mind, works out on the day to what i want it to be or even better then i know that i can stop myself from redirecting my mind.

wow now i feel like im blabbering over crap lol but seriously how does one not allow this to happen? think we should all take the time to figure it out!!

Frustration

Over the past two - three days i have been feeling majorly frustrated and i dont know why or maybe i do but im just not really as focused as to what it is. One thing i can say is that i hate feeling this way, makes me just want to stand and scream the mountains off and i find it odd. Its funny how one tiny little comment can change then entire mood or way of somethings for quite sometime whether it was intentional or not.

I do however know that this feeling will pass (hopefully soon) and i do know that im only going through this for some reason which i havent really even focused on finding out what the reason even is. i have been so spazzed lately i cant even focus correctly on whats going on around me. dont know my left from my right and i am emotional big time. i should really get down to what is making me feel this way and well really i think it has to do with my relationship and the way things are going right now.

Really now i wish all this can stop cause i cant take it anymore. cant we all just be left to love each other and be happy? does there always have to be a time that comes around where we hit rock bottom? i know i shouldnt be questioning the way things are going right now but its kinda hard not to and i mean i am only human and this is what we do. i really need to move on with my life and forget about the past few days, weeks and bad two months. as hard as it is this is something that needs to be done.

how will i do it, well i think a shopping spree is in order!!!!!!!

Rejuvenated

This morning i got up with this strong sense of rejuvenation and besides that i even got up in a good mood. Its 15h30pm and im still in that good mood, for someone who isnt a morning person this is like WOW to me. But i can honestly admit that i like it. I like this feeling and i hope i can continue to feel this way, today, tomorrow and for many more days to come. I do however know why i got up feeling this way and what i did to, how can i put it? release the shackles of morbidness that i have been feeling over the past two months (on and off that is).

You know how people can take sooooo much and then one day they just cant anymore and just put their foot down sighting "Enough is Enough, ive had it". I somewhat think that, that is where i found myself last night. However i didnt say those words but i definitely was thinking it. I just feel like right now, walking around morbit and always thinking negatively is not gonna get me to where i want to be and its definitely not gonna get me what i want.

So to reiterate what happened last night, after an eventful day of emotions i got home and sat down, counted till 10, breathed and went down on my knees. I spoke to the man above and i didnt find myself moaning, or nagging, or wishing. All i did was thank him for blessing me with life. For giving me the strength to get through each and everyday and allowing me to learn new things and experience life the way he wants me to. The end of that conversation definitely without a doubt in my mind changed my entire mindset and mood.

However i ended up getting a consolation prize, The past two months in my relationship it hasnt exactly been a bed of roses. We have been going through a very bad patch. Communication between us wasnt so great, things just wasnt on the right level like it use to be. As every relationship has its up's and its down's so does and did ours. So we went through about 6months of total and absolutely great up's and we were just left speeches as to how amazing things were and then the tiniest little issue knocked us off our high horse and we came falling down and have been struggling for the past two months to get through this bad phase.

Last night after speaking to my partner, we said quite a few things but the best thing that couldve been said last night came from him and it gave me this sense of confidance and happiness that yes we are on our way back up again. My consolation prize was my partner telling me "We always get through these bad phases". For me to see and hear a man say that is like concurring the world cause men they usually do not say how they feel or speak their minds very easily and he did that last night.

Today i feel like a somewhat new person and tomorrow i know that i will feel even better. Because i am not gonna let anything push me back into that morbid state i was in. A friend once told me that i need to stop looking at the negativity and stop looking back. In order for me to succeed in getting to where i want and how i want and what i want. i need to keep moving forward and stop being negative. As hard as it is for me cause i have been dubbed a very negative person who has a short temper that can stress easily, i definitely wanna try this positive thing, if the way i feel today is what positivity makes a person feel like. Then i definitely wanna be positive and think positively.

Its amazing what pray can do and what one little line of belief or positivity can do to boast one's mood.

Wish me luck for my new path, its not gonna be easy but, nothing ever is!

Conversations with God

Everyday i find myself learning something new, everyday i find myself in a different mood, everyday is just different from the other. We don't always do what our minds are set out to do but we do things as they come. The one thing that i know i do on a daily basis is have the most amazing conversations with God about two or three times a day. if there is one thing i wish for then it is to be able to hear him talk back to me. I would probably faint from excitement but i think it would go down well.

I enjoy those conversations cause i get to to say what i feel and whats exactly on my heart and i wont be judged for the way i feel or for what i am saying. the best part of it is, is that i feel closer to him with every single conversation. i feel so much better after speaking to him, it usually feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. the saying that goes "god only helps those who helps themselves" i can say comfortably that i believe that saying is true. however you would get some people who would say but how and where do i start.

The day should start with god and end with god, that is where you start. You wake up in the morning and you thank god for allowing you to wake up to another day and to face another day and to learn what that day brings. We often take this for grated and tend to forget that he must get all the honour and all the praise. many would say but we are only human however i believe that when you commit to something you should stick to your commitments.

When I'm feeling down or when I'm feeling really good about myself and the way things are going, not a day goes by where i do not take the time to go down on my knees and thank the man above. With him in our lives we can concur everything and anything. I recently went through a bad patch in my life and i asked myself why me? why should i always be the one to go through all of these things and then i realised that things happen for a reason and we should find out what that reason is.

There are people out there who goes through worse turmoils then i do and i should be thankful that i am able to find the strength to go through these things and learn. I know that even though i put my situations, my ups and downs in the hands of god. that i mustn't always expect him to do everything. its amazing how when you take the time out to have a conversation with god that you get this overwhelmingly great feeling come over you that brings you a sense of warmth and an automatic smile.

Its just such an awesome feeling that is sooo hard to explain. so i urge everyone to take the time out doesn't matter where or what time of the day but have your conversation with god i promise you he is listening and he is in that conversation more then you would've ever guessed~~

Stumbling Blocks

Suddenly my life has reached a stumbling block and right now i am at my wits end as i do not know what to do. Over the past month things has been the greatest between my partner and i. We had an argument about something that i thought at the time was so small it didnt carry any weight. I also thought at the time that after the argument and us apologising to each other that everything was fine and sorted and that we have moved on from there. I was wrong, my partners attitude started changing toward me and the relationship and things started looking different,until yesterday when his cup definitely over flowed and he came out with it and told me that he was still upset about that argument. So upset that he told me, he doesnt want to get married next year anymore. That crushed me and it hurt and like every other woman i reacted by bursting into tears.

He later on told me that he feels that he isnt ready to get married. He went on telling me why and well currently he feels like i keep throwing his sacrifices in his face as if i dont care and if it wasnt enough that he broke ties with certain people to be with me. maybe he is right about that but at the end of the day regardless of what he has to say i think he is just not ready to get married. its not that he doesnt want to be with me, its just that his just scared or not ready for marriage. Even though i feel hurt and crushed and all those other words. cried yesterday like a big baby and even cried myself to sleep last night at the end of the day there isnt much i can do but hope and pray that somehow someway god will bring us back to where we were over a month ago. When we were happy, we were doing things together and there was little to know fighting going on.

I love him and i want to be with him, i do believe that he does love me and that he does want to be with me. However things are just different for men then what it is for woman. Woman can adapt much easier then a man and they just find that committing to someone and something is easier then what it is for a man. I have gone down on my knees and prayed to god that he will keep us and bring us back to where were. Right now the only thing i can do is believe and trust in god and all his might and what he can do. This is now an essence of time and patiences and the only thing i can do is give this situation time and let god do his work. I pray that he will allow my partner to see that allowing something so small to come between us and we are something so big, will do nothing but break us down and if he doesnt want us to break down then he will stop allowing little things to come between us. I know God will make a way and i know God has brought us together and he has put us out for each other. I know he will keep us bonded.

Romans 1:17

"And Jesus said unto them ... , "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you."

Changes

Today has changed my mindset about somethings and mainly life big time. Not only have i experienced the joy of knowing that my friend gave birth to her little boy today but i also experienced pain two hours later. I got told by the person that i love more then anything and i would without a doubt do anything for that person and yes of course i am talking about my boyfriend Gawain, confirmed my worse fear ever. He confirmed or rather just took it upon himself to tell that the wedding we were or i was planning for the 29th October 2011, well he doesnt want to get married next year anymore.

That bit of information hit me so hard i didnt know whether i was sitting, standing, laying, sleeping, dreaming, nightmaring. Didnt know my left from my right, top from bottom i just got hit harder then i could ever imagine. I mean here we are every single month buying things for our future home and at the same time planning a wedding and well bam he hits me with that bit of information. All i said was thank you for letting me know and i left the conversation without getting a why, how come or anything like that. i couldnt bring myself to asking or finding out because i didnt really expect it.

Im sitting at my desk now not knowing which way forward and not really sure what i should think. All i know is that i am really hurt and dont know how to react other then ball my eyes out every few seconds of the day as i cant contain my emotions as this wouldve been one of the biggest days of not just my life but his and his parents and my parents and our families. atleast not many people from my end knew about the wedding including my parents. So yeah thats the easy part, there isnt alot of people to tell from my end. but many know from his side, so he is going to have to tell them that he no longer wants to get married. As for me i guess i will rather allow this to strength me.

End of the weekend

As we are at the end of the weekend,all i can say is,it was average.Friday there was some tension between us.Saturday we seemed to be walking away together holding hands from that dark cloud that was above us.Today we seemed to have ease back to being us again.Im hoping we can keep it this way and get better and love each other more and stronger with each passing hour.In his words we had a fairly quiet weekend.After the week we had i agree with him in saying the weekend was average.Now all we do is keep moving forward.

Dark Cloud Above Us

You know i know there is a saying that goes, every up has its down and what goes up must come down. But i never really thought it would really come to par. I mean come on give me a break, all my relationships has always been starting off with an up and the minute it went down it stayed down and 9 outta 10 i got my ass kicked to the curb, i got my heart broken. I am a seriously, severely hurt female due to past relationships but you know what after all of those mishaps i have never been stronger. i have learned and with learning become stronger.

I am now so inlove with a man and i didnt know that i could ever love someone again and this much. everyday is a new day and everyday brings new challenges. We have been together for 1 1/2yrs and it has definitely not been the easiest of things but we have managed to get through each day no matter how hard or how easy it is. Over the past few months our relationship has been absolutely top class. i wake up every morning smiling cause it is just amazing. there isnt a word out there that i can think of that describes just how great our relationship has been. Yet here comes that stupid saying every up has its down.

Over the past two weeks things hasnt really been to good due to a slight argument and even though it was supressed and to me solved i was hopelessly wrong and find myself in a position today that i wish i wasnt in. I only hope that is this going to continue to make up and build our relationship instead of break us.Yesterday the supressed feelings and thoughts of the man of my dreams cup just over flowed. he could no longer keep it surpressed. I do admit i triggered it by making such a STUPID comment which has now led us to where we are at today. Not talking, i havent slept properly last night, i have a hell of a headache and i dont know how he is coping. we often underestimate our men by thinking they are heartless and cant feel the way we feel. well news flash ladies, as hard as it can get for us so does it for men. they hurt to, they have feelings as well and they go through everything we go through except our periods.

I feel like shyt to use a better word yet i dont care how i feel i am more worried about him and what his feeling and what his thinking then myself. He is more important right now and all i want is for this dam dark cloud that has just shimmied its dam way over our relationship to bugger off. We were close to perfect, cause nothing in live is perfect yet we try to get close to it and that where we were and that is where both of us would like to be again. We have both sacrificed so much for our relationship and we have both been working so hard at what we have right now. I just want that cloud to find a spot somewhere else and away from us.

We love each other, we want to be together, we are building a future. Enough with the negativity and leave us be!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU GAWAIN

Everyday i love you more and more,I thought i had loved before but,i was wrong.This is a whole new experience for me cause i never knew a love like this could ever exist let alone experience it. Its not that i never knew a love like this could exist its more me never knowing that i would end up loving someone as much as i do you. We have had our fair share of up's and down's yet, all of those has molded who we are and what kinda relationship we have. It has bonded us and given us new meaning to life and love. Like you told me once "No longer are we flying in the wind and rain, we are above the clouds and the view from here is awesome" no one couldve said those words better then you. But regardless of what we have been through, going through and have yet to face and experience. At the end of the day and at the end of it all the only things that matters is that what we have is real and we love each other more with each passing hour.

Love always and Forever~~

Wedding Plans

Unofficially i am getting married on the 29th October 2011. That date is of course of significance and even though we are a year and a half away. This blog will help me vent and also be a reminder after the wedding of everything that i have been through.

Right i found out December 2009 that my loving boyfriend wants to marry me. However it took us alot to get to that point and for him to actually bring up the so called M word. lol i dont know what it is with men and marriage but maybe some day i will understand. So after much discussion we have entered into a 2yr plan on the 06th December 2009 after a very emotional conversation. Since then we have started with the plan and seem to be 100% on track with what we want to do for this year.

However plans for next year which is the year of the wedding is not going to well. Im currently doing everything alone and its becoming stressful and frustrating. however i am sure that in time things will be great and we will have a wonderful wedding. just the way we both want it to be.

For now i guess we will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. will open a new post tomorrow on further developments :)

25 Years Old

On the 21st November 1983 at23h34pm the evening a baby girl was born. That baby girl is now a full grown or maybe i should say still growing adult. 25yrs later she had her up's and downs and has experienced life like not many has before. Yes the 25 year old i speak of is none other then me myself and I. Friday i celebrated my 25th birthday and much to my surprise it was not half as bad as i thought it would be i dont know hey for some reason i thought it was gonna be something really bad or just something really weird but it wasnt.

I was woken up on friday morning with an sms from my boyfriend wishing me (he was the first to wish me) his message sparked a storm of messages from all over the world. got so many messages wishing me and so many phone calls wishing me i lost count by 9am the morning. At the end of the day i can sit here and say i had the most amazing birthday, different but amazing. i had everyone i loved around me celebrating my day and telling stories about when i was a little girl and the things i use to do. some was funny and some were shockers.

The only thing i can say right now is that god has blessed me even though we tend to not see his wonderful work and ways and paths that his opened for us there comes a time when one needs to sit and think about all he has done and say thank you god for all you have done for me. everything we go through in life is what he wants us to go through is what he wants us to learn from is what he wants us to experience and what he wants us to pay attention to. the first thing i did friday morning was go down on my knees with a tear in my eye and i thanked the all mightly for carrying me through 25years of my life. i do not live on my own graces i live on his graces and for that i thanked him for everything he has done for me and most importantly having a hand in bringing me into this world.

To everyone in my life, friends and family! Thank you all for being there when i needed you most thank you for all the wishes and happiness you bring into my life. thank you for putting up with me as i know im not the easiest person to live with. Thank you just for letting me be me and letting me say what is needed to say when the time is there for me to say it. Thank you for being in my life. everyone brings alittle something extra to my life and holds a small part of them in me and that is the way it is going to stay.

Im 25years old here i am ready to take on what ever challenges my age will bring me what ever experiences it will throw my way and most of all im happy that i am still who i am today~~

21 November 2008

Something New

A few months ago i started asking myself the one simple question in life that many people always end up trying to figure out for themselves. The question was "Will I ever find some form of happiness in my life?". At the time when I was thinking about that question I had been through quite a few detours in my life and was at a point where once again i just felt like giving up on everything and everyone in my life. This was only the second ever time that I thought or felt that way. I had come to the conclusion or lets just say i settled with the fact that i was never gonna be or never gonna find happiness for myself.

I honestly believed that in most things or aspects of my life that it would be the end of it. I hardly smiled at anything or anyone and i found myself cutting out many people including those close to me. In that time i had cut myself off many people i also decided that i didnt want to even consider getting into any form of relationship either.That was the time i ended up finding myself and getting to know who i really was. the type of person i am and the type of nature i could bring into others lives. Eventually upon doing that i took a leap off the edge of the mountain and for the last time went against something that i set up for myself.

I decided to go ahead and meet someone new, i mean what did i have to lose. i wasnt happy, i had this icyness about me. i just couldnt care less, i would just walk around thinking oh well im probably setting myself up to get hurt again BUT life is about risks. we put ourselves through risks every single day, so i took my last risk and i went ahead and met him. The first time we met i was kinda still on the mindset that i am gonna stay unhappy and nothing anyone says or does is gonna change what i think. (im just difficult like that) the second meeting i basically was the same. The turning point for me was the third meeting. after that i realised the type of person i was seeing and that person was totally different from what i was use to.

Now 6months later i guess my risky leap turned out to be something positive cause now i find myself randomly sitting and smiling for no reason at all. I actually look forward to spending time with that person and seeing that person. i dont know what it is but there is something that always keeps me going back for more and 98% of me enjoys this new venture or let me say new episode in my life. for the first time in a year i am officially happy. i have only felt happiness within a relationship twice and it seems to me that third time lucky is a fact. even though this is still the last for me. im not negative about this, im not unhappy, im not wondering whether this is right or wrong. cause im sure that this is right. im sure that im happy and most all im sure about the person and im sure about my feelings.

2008 thus far was an emotional rollercoaster for me but i seemed to have managed to come out on top. i feel stronger, i am mentally stronger and even though there is only a month and a half left for 2008. i would say that i have entered the better part of the year and the best is still to come cause i know that there is still gonna be much more happiness coming my way as for the first time in a long time i am me again and i am happy and i am positive and that is all thanks to one person and he should know who he is (hopefully) lol

so to new beginnings and thank you for being the new light, the new smile and the joy and happiness that has finally come into my life. Hopefully itll stay this way for a very very very long time. cause everyday is now a pleasure to wake up to ~~

Love

I just got this email from a buddy of mine, Everybody has a different, views or perceptions about this. but for me at the end of the day it all comes down to the spoken word. For those of you who has loved but doesn't want to anymore, for those of you who are in love good on ya, for those of you who has lost love and wants others to work toward you loving them oh well such is life. But at the end of the day we all have been there, are there and worn the t-shirt. Enjoy the weekend~~

Love is when you give half of yourself and allow that half to be filled up by another, who in turn, takes the half of you that you left behind. When you feel like gravity no longer holds you down, but they do. When you see them, a million thoughts race through your mind, and
there are a million things you want to say, but the best to can
manage is a nod and a smile, a wave, or a simple 'hey', because if
you try to say anything more, you know you will choke up. When you see them, you feel like your heart is beating so fast it's going to fly away from you. In a way, it does. It flies to them. When you feel like you are so full of happiness, you feel like your going to start flying, but the only thing keeping you down is that if you were to fly away, you fear they couldn't fly with you.
When they walk into the room,
all the rest of the world fades away until it is just the two of you,
with dorky grins slapped across your faces that would make anyone else
laugh, but you think they are perfect. Love is when you could have just staggered out of bed and look like you wrestled a tiger, but they still tell you that you are the most gorgeous thing they've seen all day. When you would give up anything in the world just to be with them. When you are laying out under the stars and in that perfect
place that you fit in his arms, not needing to talk because you both
know what each other is thinking. When he looks in your eyes, puts his arms around your waist, you look into his eyes. He's looking back. He gives you a nervous grin, and you feel him stop breathing. He inches his face closer to yours. You bridge the gap and press your lips softly against his. The seconds seem like hours, but you pray the moment lasts forever. You break from his embrace. The seconds of awkward silence tick by. Neither of you know what to say. You just want to kiss him again. He opens the door of your house and gives a stammered goodbye. You feel like your going to sink through the floor.
Love is when you would leave forever, if that was what they wanted, even tough it would rip a hole through your chest that would never fully heal. And you feel like you need to be with them, or else your not entirely whole. You would go through all the pain and suffering of the possible breakup if it meant you could just have that kiss one time. You would risk it all for him. And you would put aside your stubbornness to hold him in your arms. To feel his arms around you. He takes your breath away without even trying.

I hope that gives you a little insight on love as it means to me. I hope I’ve helped you with this little note, this window into my soul.