Dear Husband

I can still remember the expression on your face the first time we met. You were different, unique and in a league of your own. Besides the fact that I did not allow you to come near me or touch me. These were attributes that drew me closer to you. Although apart of you seemed to be very broken, you still managed to keep the "sunny side up". Little did we know on that day we would end up dating, nor did we know that we would end up dating for 3years much less did we know that we would be married for over 4years. Quite interesting don't you think? I must say though as different and special as you were back then, there was alot to learn and boy did we learn. Sometimes the easy way and sometimes the hard way. But within time you slowly but surely started showing the TRUE you. Who you really were? What you were? A character in person that no person can turn you into only YOU can do that for yourself. Undoubtedly the more I saw the real you, the more I got drawn into you. The closer we became and the better things became. As you know our relationship did not start filled with a bed of roses. What does Christian Grey say? "Im not the whole hearts and flowers kinda guy". Yep that was you, you were not the hearts and flowers kinda guy. You were to wounded to put yourself into a position like that in fear that your wounds might be torn apart again. Did I blame you for protecting your heart? No because, I for one was also a broken person when we met.

The more time we spent together somehow, someway we always ended up making each other feel better. Me, for one always trying my best to show you that no I will not hurt you in anyway and you showing me that you are trying to add some hearts and flowers. WOW our all time high was the years 2010-2011. That was our peak, we were beyond smitten with each other and you, you were a totally different caliber of man. My knight in shinning armour, My superman, My ray of sunshine, My everything. You made me happy, you taught me how to get out of the shell I was living in for so many years. You taught me how to smile and look at life and people differently then the way I was looking at them. You taught me how to have faith in you and that you were not "one of THOSE guys" I look back at the TWO peaks years and still smile because it was our best years. 2012 was a challenge for us. We got more obstacles in that year then anybody we know and the funny part of it all is that nobody knew about the tough times we endured but the nice part of it was we got through it together and it made our bond even stronger. It carried us through parts of 2013 when things just all started to go sour slowly but surely again. The man you grew into was slowly starting to leave and overshadowed by another kind of you. Its hard to explain it all but looking at the man you are now, you have lost your way. I find that when you allow obstacles to get in the way of your life and your attention span channels toward those obstacles. We tend to steer away from what is important in our lives.

You were never great at many things in our lives together but the little things you were great at has fallen by the way side. You have lost that part of your being and one can only pray that one day, some day you will be that man again. One who will go to the ends of the earth to see his wife happy and smiling. One who would not allow anything or anyone to come between us no matter who, what or where. One who opens his eyes and knows that his day started with me and ends with me. Those random acts of kindness that kept me sitting with bated breath waiting to see what will happen next and when it will happen. One that will make his wife and child his number one priority. Ive never missed the man you were as much as I do lately. Mainly because who you were and are has an amazing knock on effect not only with me but so many others. I sit back and think that there are still so many things about you that I do not know. However I can see the damage and hurt it has created and left and still in many ways regardless you have taught yourself how to be the man you are when you want to be the man you feel like on a specific day. I do try my best to be the best and I am first to put my hand up and say I have my moments. Alot lately as well but there are reasons for that. One can only hope we get out of this funk.

Dear Husband, things may not be hearts and flowers for us at the moment and recently but, the best part of my day and life is knowing that I love a man who I didn't think I could ever love after having gone through so many ups and downs. Life is not always simple, its not always easy but when we have each other to walk through life with NO WEAPONS FORMED AGAINST US SHALL PROSPER! 

The Re-Up/Revamp

I literally haven't blogged anything in over 4 years and its safe to say that so much has been happening. Life has been happening. I got married December 2011. Learning how to run a house hold and being a good wife has not been the easiest of tasks but I can honestly say that I have been trying to do the best that I can do and personally challenge myself each time to just go one step further, one step further in everything I do for my home and my husband. However in saying that I have become quite slack over the pass few months. WHY?


On the 31st March, one interesting morning, life decided to throw another challenge my way. I found out after years of trying that I was PREGNANT. You will not believe how shocked I was at 5am looking at that darn test. I literally told the stick "no that cant be possible" welp it was and my husbands reaction was priceless. The 1st April we took another test just to double check and yes of course again it showed positive. Immediately when I got to work I tried calling my dr who conveniently was on leave. I eventually managed to get hold of another dr who then could only see me on the 22nd of April. I mean really having to wait almost an entire month just to get 100% full proof confirmation that I really am pregnant was abit hectic. When the time came and we went for our very first check up, there the baby was. Tossing and turning while I am speechless and in shock and my husband emotional and teary eyed. That was undoubtedly one of the best moments in my life. My last month of pregnancy was abit of a toughy to say the least but low and behold on the 1st October 2015 at 13h05pm our BEAUTIFUL baby boy was born. The moment that put him next to me in that theater I fell inlove on a whole new and different level BUT I shall get into the experience later. So this is why I have been a slacker of a wife lately because all my attention and love has been going to my soon to be 5month old little boy. Let me just say that it has been LIFE CHANGING. I look at him and think "WOW that grew inside of me. GOD is amazing" The new journey in my life has had its fair share of moments. Like everything we go through it brought on its fair share of ups and downs, good times and bad times and yes he is still young and we have many, many paths to walk with him but for now what I have learned thus far, its all just been an experience of a life time. So much so that I cant wait until we start planning on baby number 2 because really now little did I know I would feel this way BUT, I ACTUALLY MISS BEING PREGNANT. Some women would call me crazy but no I really do miss the experience.

So as you can see LIFE has been quite interesting and then to add even more juice to it all, we all bought a house, FINALLY. We will be moving soon and when I say soon I mean in a few days. Something new coming our way again, quite interesting hey but most times I feel like we have been extremely favored and blessed. However over the pass few days I have been really thinking about my blog and getting back into it again because it is also my means of venting. So here I am, lets see how much it lasts this time :)

2011

Even though we are already 4 months into the new year, i still think its never to late to speak about it. So now that we are into the new year for some it has been great for others it hasnt been great. There are people who believe there will be change in their lives this year and there are people who believe nothing will happen at all for themselves.

I personally think that lots is gonna happen this year and thus far for me its been an awesome year. Why??? because my lord our god above has been watching over me and protecting me and bringing nothing but goodness to my life in his name. this year is definitely a total difference for me because one of the biggest events in life will be happening. I will be getting married and im looking forward to the event and to my new life the only thing i take with me into my new life as i enter it that was part of my old life is GOD.

In saying that i believe its the only way to get through life is with trust, love, belief and understand that there is someone up above looking out for you and me and everyone else. here is to a wonderful new year and to lots of joy and happiness

Happiness

Im sitting at my desk thinking about how different my life is now and how much more better my relationship is with my partner at the moment and this overwhelming feeling of happiness comes over me and i am all teared up. Over the past almost 2yrs we have possibly gone through almost each and every bad issue or problem a relationship could ever have and well at the end of the day we have gotten through it and gotten over it and we still remain together. Reminds me strongely about the saying that goes "God brought you to it and he will bring you through it" Im so glad i have the lord my god on my side cause i didnt think i could ever experience the happiness i am now.

Things between us now are so much more different and better, i can now truly feel like i am with someone who loves me for who i am and is not trying to change me. He has realised that the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, there are not many females out there who is like me. Most females today walk away when the tough times arise. But me i stuck it out, i fought for my relationship and what i believe in. I believed and never gave up on him and i did it all with the strength that god has given me. So today i can sit with tears of joy in my eyes cause i am sooo happy i dont think there is a word out there to describe the way i feel. I didnt think that my partner would be the person that he is now. Finally he can be him, without having to worry about whether he will get hurt in the process.A few weeks back when we had a heart to heart conversation he told me how he had felt about me and told me why he was the type of person he was and that is because he was hurt in the past and he doesnt blame me but he wants me to know that everything that we have gone through and everything we have put into the relationship will all be worth it in the end cause he can feel himself giving more to me and the relationship because i will not do to him what his past did and his confidant of that. he promised me that one day when i get to really experience who he really is then i would be happy cause he will be happy and he would make me happy and that day has come and i thank god that it is here.

On Saturday he spoke to one of his friends and told his friend that he cherishes me cause there is only one me and im one in a million and while he was saying that i was saying to someone else the same thing. How in sync are we? definitely in sync. My bestfriend met him for the first time and he told me that we are so well suited for each other so much so we fit like a glove and in these days and times of today we dont often find that but when we do we should hold on to what we have. I believe that we started with god and he is working his ways in our relationship and he always will.We are stronger today then what we were months ago and with each passing day we are growing closer and stronger and the bond we have is becoming more and more stable.

To be with someone like this and to feel the way i do about someone is a first for me. i always thought i knew what love was but i was proved wrong the day i met him. I find myself loving him more and more every single day and him me and god is making it possible for us to feel the way we do about each other.It is a feeling that i do not want to end and its a feeling that i want to keep in my heart and mind for many years to come. Im so happy and in love i think its crazy but its not. I found my knight in shining armour. i found my rose between the thorns and most of all i found the man i want to be with for the rest of my life.

For Gawain

Kenny Latimore
" For You "


For you I give a lifetime of stablility, anything you want of me,nothing is
impossible. For you there are no words or ways to show my love or all the thoughts I'm thinking of 'Cause this life is no good alone since we've become one I've made a change everything I do now makes sense, all roads end, all I do is for you!

For you I share the cup of love that overflows and anyone who knows us
knows that I would change all faults I have. For you there is no low or high or in between of my heart that you haven't seen 'Cause I share all I have and am, nothing I've said is hard to understand and all I feel, I feel deeper still and always will all this love is for you!

Every note that I play, every word I might say, every melody I feel. Are only for you and your appeal. Every page that I write, everyday of my life would not be filled without the things That my love for you now brings

For you I'd make a promise of fidelity, now and for eternity. No one could replace this vow. For you I'd take your hand and heart and everything and add to them a wedding ring 'Cause this life is no good alone, since we've become one you're all I know And if this feeling should leave I'd die and here's why All I am is for you!

Everything I do now makes sense, all roads end and all I do...

Is for you

Only for you

New Month New Season

There is just something that happens, when the weather changes, it changes people. Which is for some really odd and for others actually understandable. i can vouch for the weather playing a part in moods, cause i am one of those people who gets highly affected by the weather changing. So what is upon us now is that as of the 1st September as the seasons would have it we have entered into Spring season. But by the looks of the weather i personally think that we will only really see a proper spring day in about a week or so.

Now to my point, i dont know there is just something about this change in season that has got me thinking about many things that has currently happened over the past few months. There was good moments and then there was bad moments, just like your typical rollercoaster. However this morning i just feel a sense of refreshed and renewed and calming mood over myself. I dont know where this comes from cause naturally i am not a morning person. So that is why i am putting it all down to the fact that the weather is changing. I actually think that there are people out there that would actually agree with me.

The past week felt like i was being tested in every sense, inch and emotion of my well being. I dont know whether i have passed the test or not but like i said this morning i just feel like i dont want the bad moments of the past few weeks and months to follow me into the new month and the new season. so how does one start all over again? i dont really know, all i did was close my eyes, woke up this morning went down on my knees, left for work and made up my mind that i will try my best to be all smiles as of now. For someone like me that would be hard but hey what do i have to lose trying? NOTHING!!!!!

Overwhelming Happiness

Every morning i find myself all moody etc, mainly because i am not a morning person. However this morning or shall i say today, i feel like this new person overwhelmed with happiness. Why mainly because things are finally starting to take shape, fall into place and feel so so right. A few months ago i had a taste of what i am feeling today but it got taken away from me for a period of about three months. I didnt know what to do cause i didnt know whether i could handle the situation i faced.

What i then did was the only thing i could do and that was go on my knees and turn to god. I spoke to him, told him how i feel and what was presently happening in my life. i told him to take over my life and i laid it all in his hands. if it is in his will, it will be and i trust in him. Its amazing how talking to god and trusting and believing him can turn things around. The turning point came two weeks ago, i knew about it, i could feel it but not as much as i can feel it this morning and the way i felt it last night. God allowed me to have the strength and talk to my partner about a problem we were having. Much to my surprise, my partner reacted in a way that he hasn't reacted in a while. He was sensitive and understanding and that was literally the third time since we started dating almost 2yrs ago that i was shown this side of him. He to then started speaking his heart and telling me how he feels and that right there was a turning point.

My partner turned into the person he is and not the one he was pretending to be all the time. He was himself, seeing him cry whilst speaking to me was such an amazing sight. Since then his been to me a very different man, when really he is finally being himself. His come to me this week to tell me that he thinks we should start thinking about our future again. We should start getting into buying things for our house again and that it is time for us to really start focusing on our future. Hearing those words come out of his mouth is something that i have been looking forward to for the past three months and i was at a point where i thought it is not going to happen and we were not going to have a future anymore. But i was wrong, since talking to him two weeks ago and him also talking about how he feels, things has definitely turned around and right now things are looking brighter and feels better and we are happy as we finally now are starting to put our relationship as a main focus.

Last night we sat down and ticked off everything we have already bought and made a list of everything that still needs to be bought and the most important thing that we mutually decided last night is that we will devote ourselves to going to church and spending more time worshipping and praising the man we have to owe it all to. He brought us together at a time when we both needed it. He gave us a chance to grow, he allowed us to build a strong relationship and his love for us will not end nor will he forsake us. We owe it all to the man above for allowing us and giving us a chance to be happier then what we have ever been before. The feeling is really undescribeable and all i can say is you have to experience it to know how it feels. Thank you lord for all you have done for us and for all you still plan on doing for us~~

Motivation

Ever so now and then we all need a little bit of motivation or something that we all turn to that reminds us who we are and what we are capable of. Some of us go down on our knees and pray to the Lord our saviour to find what we are looking for. Others look to materialistic things like a favourite T Shirt or a favourite song or a favourite photo. Either way we all have something or someone that we turn to that we draw strength from or get motivation from.

Whenever i was feeling this way, craving for motivation or looking for it, there was only ever two places i would go to, to find what i was looking for. The one was just sitting and emailing my bestfriend who lives in the UK, she would put things in great perspective for me and it always use to help but we cant always rely on others to help us or be there for us as they also have lives to live and issues to over come. My second place was none other then sitting infront of my music player and listening to my favourite Eminem song - Sings for the Moment. Yes some might say this is weird and how would it give me what i need but until you have listened to it you will never know why.

Doing this was always something that helped me until one day i decided to change and find motivation somewhere else and much to my surprise it has done wonders. It didnt matter how low i was feeling or how depressed i was the minute i did my new thing i felt so much better. I started going down on my knees and having personal conversations with God. Even now sitting at my desk, i didnt have a very good evening and barely got any sleep yet i know in my heart of hearts that what i must do is pray and he will take away all the tiredness, frustration, depression and all those negative things that makes us feel this way.

Im glad that i have decided to look to god and trust and believe in him, since i have done this things has been amazing, yes it can not all change in a day but change is inevitable and god only helps those who helps themselves. Which is why i give him all the honour and all the praise cause he deserves it more then anyone else. For we all go through life by his strength and no one elses. So if you have been looking elsewhere for motivation, help or just a conversation i suggest you change and go down on your knees and make friends with the Lord for he is the start and he is the end.

Discussions

Monday morning and i must say that it actually doesnt feel like a monday or like they would dub it Blue Monday. I guess its because i got a good nights rest and also yesterday i spent the day with my boyfriend and his parents. We ended up having a discussion about us and whatever issues we had or thought we had. Which for me was actually a good thing as we barely do sit down and discuss issues so when the opportunity presented itself yesterday i welcomed it with open arms and im glad that he did too.

Over the past few weeks i havent really been happy and i have been having a few struggles and worries that was really getting to me with regards to our relationship. Much to my surprise he was actually paying attention to the way i have been acting the past few weeks and yesterday we sat down and discussed all our issues we thought we had. Whats funny is after our discussion we had realise that we didnt have big or major issues that would make things go wrong or that would cause break ups etc. you know those big or massive issues people have in their relationships that they just cant seem to work through. those type of issues we thought we had but after talking we realise that we were so wrong and so far off that it was shocking.

One of the best things he couldve said last night was that "no matter what issues or problems we have and had, we always over came it or over come it and we always work through it" and i thought well that is because we are trying to build a strong foundation and strong relationship. It was good to know that he thought that of us and that he had that confidance in our relationship, that we can overcome issues or problems. Its funny how us females always under estimate our partners. mainly because like me we always tend to want to do everything ourselves and dont believe or trust or have faith or even have alot of confidence in our partners to do alot for our relationships. we would rather feel comfortable doing it ourselves cause we think it would be done correctly not thinking that maybe just maybe if we gave our partners the credit and the opportunity to do something then it might even end up better then what we wouldve done or then what we thought.

Admittingly i am one of those females and as i told him yesterday that sometimes i feel a certain way because of things that use to happen in the past, can he blame me for feeling that way? and he said no he cant but i must learn to leave it in the past cause we as a couple has learned to move forward and again i need to learn to believe in him or have faith in his ability to do whats right. The minute i do that i will see the change i want to see and i think he has a point right there. As i said us females we believe that we should rather do certain things before our partner does it. One thing i can say is that i am feeling much better after discussing things with him and i am ready to allow our relationship to progress forward positively which means im starting to working on my "have faith in his ability" and believe that he is able and willing to also do as much as i do for us.

So now i need to chill and relax like one of my friends told me last week when i was talking to him about how i feel and he said i need to relax and allow my partner to show me that he does love me and he is committed to me and he does want a future with me. Odd thing is when i think about it now secretly i think Gawain knew after about a month that i was the one he wanted to get married to. Like he said one day, he would rather go through the storms of life with me then go through life with some one else~~~

Nough Said!!!!!!

Redirection of the mind

I dont know if i am the only one that does this, im sure i am not but have you ever decided on doing something and then you get all ampted up about it but then suddenly your mind redirects to the what if's? Dont you just hate it when that happens? i know i do and i cant fathom it, really! i dont know why it happens.

I sometimes think it happens to much, the tiniest little thing can make me redirect my mind. Like for example, i went out and did my whole transformation thing as per the post below and i was happy i started doing it. I felt great and i felt different and i liked it BUT i was really looking forward to one persons opinion on it and guess what that person didnt even comment. Even when i asked what the person thought all i got was a "yep twas nice" i sat there thinking WTF and that clearly has definitely put me off the whole transformation thing, question is: should i allow it????

Being the person that i am, i have a tendancy to really think things through before doing it however, keeping my mind set on it is a totally different thing.i think my biggest accomplishment at the moment that i have my mind set on is what i have arranged for myself and Gawain to celebrate our two year anniversary. If the way i planned it in my mind, works out on the day to what i want it to be or even better then i know that i can stop myself from redirecting my mind.

wow now i feel like im blabbering over crap lol but seriously how does one not allow this to happen? think we should all take the time to figure it out!!

Transformation

Apparently, i am not feminine enough lol, well i must admit that is kinda true. So lets see about 14yrs ago someone near and dear to me passed away from a disease called cysticfibrosis (disease of the lungs). We were like brother and sister and did almost everything together. When he died i told myself that i would remember him by continueing to do the things we enjoyed doing and that of course was when i became a tomboy. Since then i have done things like help fix the car, help paint the house, fix odd things around the house etc. All the kind of things we would expect our fathers, brothers, bf's etc to do i ended up doing.

With that came the dressing souly in jeans (sometimes baggy) and tees and lets not forget one of the most comfortable things they have ever invented, the sneaker. i must admit that as nice it is just to slap on something this easy it is time to start making some changes. so what i did to start all the changes was cut my very long hair at the time to above my ears and i shaved my legs something i told myself i would never do. but hey i ended up doing it and honestly i thought it would take alot out of me to keep doing the shaving etc but it hasnt. which probably means that its now like second nature to me to shave.

then i started wearing heels and oh my word i love heels (clearly the female in me coming out) however i rarely attend events or functions where it would require me to dress up and wear heels. so my next move was trim my brows, also something i thought was going to be hard and would take alot of time but again i was wrong, it comes natural to me now that i would look myself in the mirror and say "hold on sort those brows out". i added more to this transformation by taking my time in the shop looking for the ladies deodorant, hand creams, body lotions and good hair products. So i have that going for myself at the moment and its going really well.

But the main thing that i have been stalling to change was my dress sense, why?? cause i love my jeans and track pants. but over the past few weeks learned that i can still wear jeans but i just have to get a few pairs that shows my feminine side (thats peoples ways of saying feminine curves) and changes from tees to tops and sneakers to pumps. So i agree the jeans i will do, the tops mmmm yeah that i can do too but my sneakers! is it really necessary for me to give that up as well? cause if that is so im not smiling.

hey i have nothing to loose really so it wont kill me to try out this new thing. So all i can say right now is wish me luck, i hope i can pull off this girly thing that im going to be getting into. With the help of a few of my lady friends im sure i will be ok ( i hope, cause im shyt nervous lol can you believe it)

wish me luck!!!!!!!!