Stumbling Blocks

Suddenly my life has reached a stumbling block and right now i am at my wits end as i do not know what to do. Over the past month things has been the greatest between my partner and i. We had an argument about something that i thought at the time was so small it didnt carry any weight. I also thought at the time that after the argument and us apologising to each other that everything was fine and sorted and that we have moved on from there. I was wrong, my partners attitude started changing toward me and the relationship and things started looking different,until yesterday when his cup definitely over flowed and he came out with it and told me that he was still upset about that argument. So upset that he told me, he doesnt want to get married next year anymore. That crushed me and it hurt and like every other woman i reacted by bursting into tears.

He later on told me that he feels that he isnt ready to get married. He went on telling me why and well currently he feels like i keep throwing his sacrifices in his face as if i dont care and if it wasnt enough that he broke ties with certain people to be with me. maybe he is right about that but at the end of the day regardless of what he has to say i think he is just not ready to get married. its not that he doesnt want to be with me, its just that his just scared or not ready for marriage. Even though i feel hurt and crushed and all those other words. cried yesterday like a big baby and even cried myself to sleep last night at the end of the day there isnt much i can do but hope and pray that somehow someway god will bring us back to where we were over a month ago. When we were happy, we were doing things together and there was little to know fighting going on.

I love him and i want to be with him, i do believe that he does love me and that he does want to be with me. However things are just different for men then what it is for woman. Woman can adapt much easier then a man and they just find that committing to someone and something is easier then what it is for a man. I have gone down on my knees and prayed to god that he will keep us and bring us back to where were. Right now the only thing i can do is believe and trust in god and all his might and what he can do. This is now an essence of time and patiences and the only thing i can do is give this situation time and let god do his work. I pray that he will allow my partner to see that allowing something so small to come between us and we are something so big, will do nothing but break us down and if he doesnt want us to break down then he will stop allowing little things to come between us. I know God will make a way and i know God has brought us together and he has put us out for each other. I know he will keep us bonded.

Romans 1:17

"And Jesus said unto them ... , "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you."

Changes

Today has changed my mindset about somethings and mainly life big time. Not only have i experienced the joy of knowing that my friend gave birth to her little boy today but i also experienced pain two hours later. I got told by the person that i love more then anything and i would without a doubt do anything for that person and yes of course i am talking about my boyfriend Gawain, confirmed my worse fear ever. He confirmed or rather just took it upon himself to tell that the wedding we were or i was planning for the 29th October 2011, well he doesnt want to get married next year anymore.

That bit of information hit me so hard i didnt know whether i was sitting, standing, laying, sleeping, dreaming, nightmaring. Didnt know my left from my right, top from bottom i just got hit harder then i could ever imagine. I mean here we are every single month buying things for our future home and at the same time planning a wedding and well bam he hits me with that bit of information. All i said was thank you for letting me know and i left the conversation without getting a why, how come or anything like that. i couldnt bring myself to asking or finding out because i didnt really expect it.

Im sitting at my desk now not knowing which way forward and not really sure what i should think. All i know is that i am really hurt and dont know how to react other then ball my eyes out every few seconds of the day as i cant contain my emotions as this wouldve been one of the biggest days of not just my life but his and his parents and my parents and our families. atleast not many people from my end knew about the wedding including my parents. So yeah thats the easy part, there isnt alot of people to tell from my end. but many know from his side, so he is going to have to tell them that he no longer wants to get married. As for me i guess i will rather allow this to strength me.

New Life

On this day at 10h20 South African time and 9h20 British time, a little baby boy was born. My bestfriend of 5yrs gave birth to her 3rd child after quite a few years. Bringing another life into this world is not something that i have experienced yet. However new life brought into this world is a gift from god and changes everything. I have experience of two new lives coming into mine and my home in a form of my nephew and neice.

They are so precious and so special, a day doesnt go by where there isnt something new they teach me something and where they dont learn something from me. Before they were born things at home was dull and boring. Yet now you find little feet running around, you hear fine and tiny little voices and most of us well everyone doesnt like being woken up early but hey that the duty of a kid. I personally cant wait for the day when its my turn. I dont know whether i will be ready but what do know is that my life will change even more then what it has over the past two years.

To Lisa, even though you have done the mummy thing already with Kieran and Shannon, there is no greater feeling then having to do it again. I know that you already are the coolest mum i know and that baby could not have asked for someone better to be his mum. I hope he will bring you as much joy as his brother and sister and i hope that he keeps them short and remind them daily that his the youngest and he can get anyways with anything and everything LOL. i cant wait to see baby until then and until he gets his name, Congrats Lisa and Terry he is a gift in a way that you least expect it and let the good times and nappy changing begin :)

Wedding Diary 3

So with 529 days to go to the big day, i guess its time to reflect on the colours of the wedding, how exciting :). We just started talking and suddenly the colour choosing came up and much to i surprise well to my surprise, as hard as i thought it was going to be choosing the right colour, it wasnt hard at all. We didnt want to choose the same colours of weddings we have attended already so for me the task was kinda going to be a mission. But Gawain came to the rescue and made the decision for us much easier.

We both wanted black as our base colour as we have attended alot of functions not just weddings where their base colour and decor was white. So we said as we want our wedding to be different and unique we want the base colour black. Then we took my favourite colour and matched it with the black and decided against it for the mere that it is such a common colour and many people use it. So black and blue was a no, no. We then matched his favourite colour with the black and well what cant i say other then breathtaking. His facvourite colour is Wine Red and when you add that to the black you get those most amazing blend of colour and gives a sense of romance and intimacy. Which is nice to add up to a theme which is what our wedding is. but will have that in the next wedding diary.

However cause the two colours are dark i thought we needed a bright colour to break it and just have that sense of romantic yet everything put well together. I suggested we break the dark colours with Silver cause once again we steered away from white. He liked the silver and bam a smile from me and a smile from Mr Johannes. We knew immediately that we had come to a conclusion and that was the colours of our wedding.

Black, Wine Red & Silver.

Cant wait for the 500 days to be over so we could be closer to the wedding. I love the colour and it will make our guests see just how much we love each other and what we feel for each other which is exactly what we want.

End of the weekend

As we are at the end of the weekend,all i can say is,it was average.Friday there was some tension between us.Saturday we seemed to be walking away together holding hands from that dark cloud that was above us.Today we seemed to have ease back to being us again.Im hoping we can keep it this way and get better and love each other more and stronger with each passing hour.In his words we had a fairly quiet weekend.After the week we had i agree with him in saying the weekend was average.Now all we do is keep moving forward.