Something New

A few months ago i started asking myself the one simple question in life that many people always end up trying to figure out for themselves. The question was "Will I ever find some form of happiness in my life?". At the time when I was thinking about that question I had been through quite a few detours in my life and was at a point where once again i just felt like giving up on everything and everyone in my life. This was only the second ever time that I thought or felt that way. I had come to the conclusion or lets just say i settled with the fact that i was never gonna be or never gonna find happiness for myself.

I honestly believed that in most things or aspects of my life that it would be the end of it. I hardly smiled at anything or anyone and i found myself cutting out many people including those close to me. In that time i had cut myself off many people i also decided that i didnt want to even consider getting into any form of relationship either.That was the time i ended up finding myself and getting to know who i really was. the type of person i am and the type of nature i could bring into others lives. Eventually upon doing that i took a leap off the edge of the mountain and for the last time went against something that i set up for myself.

I decided to go ahead and meet someone new, i mean what did i have to lose. i wasnt happy, i had this icyness about me. i just couldnt care less, i would just walk around thinking oh well im probably setting myself up to get hurt again BUT life is about risks. we put ourselves through risks every single day, so i took my last risk and i went ahead and met him. The first time we met i was kinda still on the mindset that i am gonna stay unhappy and nothing anyone says or does is gonna change what i think. (im just difficult like that) the second meeting i basically was the same. The turning point for me was the third meeting. after that i realised the type of person i was seeing and that person was totally different from what i was use to.

Now 6months later i guess my risky leap turned out to be something positive cause now i find myself randomly sitting and smiling for no reason at all. I actually look forward to spending time with that person and seeing that person. i dont know what it is but there is something that always keeps me going back for more and 98% of me enjoys this new venture or let me say new episode in my life. for the first time in a year i am officially happy. i have only felt happiness within a relationship twice and it seems to me that third time lucky is a fact. even though this is still the last for me. im not negative about this, im not unhappy, im not wondering whether this is right or wrong. cause im sure that this is right. im sure that im happy and most all im sure about the person and im sure about my feelings.

2008 thus far was an emotional rollercoaster for me but i seemed to have managed to come out on top. i feel stronger, i am mentally stronger and even though there is only a month and a half left for 2008. i would say that i have entered the better part of the year and the best is still to come cause i know that there is still gonna be much more happiness coming my way as for the first time in a long time i am me again and i am happy and i am positive and that is all thanks to one person and he should know who he is (hopefully) lol

so to new beginnings and thank you for being the new light, the new smile and the joy and happiness that has finally come into my life. Hopefully itll stay this way for a very very very long time. cause everyday is now a pleasure to wake up to ~~

Love

I just got this email from a buddy of mine, Everybody has a different, views or perceptions about this. but for me at the end of the day it all comes down to the spoken word. For those of you who has loved but doesn't want to anymore, for those of you who are in love good on ya, for those of you who has lost love and wants others to work toward you loving them oh well such is life. But at the end of the day we all have been there, are there and worn the t-shirt. Enjoy the weekend~~

Love is when you give half of yourself and allow that half to be filled up by another, who in turn, takes the half of you that you left behind. When you feel like gravity no longer holds you down, but they do. When you see them, a million thoughts race through your mind, and
there are a million things you want to say, but the best to can
manage is a nod and a smile, a wave, or a simple 'hey', because if
you try to say anything more, you know you will choke up. When you see them, you feel like your heart is beating so fast it's going to fly away from you. In a way, it does. It flies to them. When you feel like you are so full of happiness, you feel like your going to start flying, but the only thing keeping you down is that if you were to fly away, you fear they couldn't fly with you.
When they walk into the room,
all the rest of the world fades away until it is just the two of you,
with dorky grins slapped across your faces that would make anyone else
laugh, but you think they are perfect. Love is when you could have just staggered out of bed and look like you wrestled a tiger, but they still tell you that you are the most gorgeous thing they've seen all day. When you would give up anything in the world just to be with them. When you are laying out under the stars and in that perfect
place that you fit in his arms, not needing to talk because you both
know what each other is thinking. When he looks in your eyes, puts his arms around your waist, you look into his eyes. He's looking back. He gives you a nervous grin, and you feel him stop breathing. He inches his face closer to yours. You bridge the gap and press your lips softly against his. The seconds seem like hours, but you pray the moment lasts forever. You break from his embrace. The seconds of awkward silence tick by. Neither of you know what to say. You just want to kiss him again. He opens the door of your house and gives a stammered goodbye. You feel like your going to sink through the floor.
Love is when you would leave forever, if that was what they wanted, even tough it would rip a hole through your chest that would never fully heal. And you feel like you need to be with them, or else your not entirely whole. You would go through all the pain and suffering of the possible breakup if it meant you could just have that kiss one time. You would risk it all for him. And you would put aside your stubbornness to hold him in your arms. To feel his arms around you. He takes your breath away without even trying.

I hope that gives you a little insight on love as it means to me. I hope I’ve helped you with this little note, this window into my soul.

Ricardo Martin

Growing older and smarter

The day you were born was one of the biggest moments, one of the biggest shocks and one of the best moments i could have ever experienced in my life at the age of 17. I didnt wanna look at you the day you were born cause i knew the minute i would do that would be the minute i would never take my eyes off of you. My little nephew, my heart, my soul, my definition, my world. That is who you are to me from the first day you were born. I smiled and i cried and i was happy all in one rush of feeling.

I look at you now and ask myself how is it possible that you have grown up so fast and so handsomely, it amazes me yet even though you turned 8years old yesterday you still tell everyone "I am Cindy's baby". Yes you are just that, the bond we have can and never will be broken cause not only are you my nephew but you are a scorpio just like me and you are one special little boy. I would go to the end of the earth to find whatever it is you want. Yesterday when you got your birthday present from me your face lit up ten times more then it did last year when it was your birthday.

That was purely greatfullness you showed toward me. happy birthday Ricardo may you grow from strength to strength. May god bless you and keep you being one of his angels. He knew what he created when he created you. You are the one person that made a strong bond between a family that needed to change their mindset, ways and thoughts on how life and family is. You brought us closer together then what we were before you were born. you brought us joy and happiness and you are the only little boy in the house.

We all love you and You will always be special to me my baby MWAH

05 November 2008

Leah Jessica Martin

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEAH



Yesterday was my 2yo neice's birthday, she is now obviously 3yo. I looked at her yesterday and thought what a blessing she is to me and my family. In the beginning when we first found out that my sister was pregnant with her, i didnt really like the idea of having another child in the house. as this would have been her second child. Yes that was a stupid and childish thought of me lol but yeah thats how some people are when they are at a certain age in their lives and because i am extremely attached to my 7yo nephew her brother i was just that way at the time.


Anyways, Leah as naughty as you are. You are full of life and you have the zest and motivation to do what you want. You always remind me what it is like to fall and then to get up and dust yourself off and do it again. its funny how or greatest teachers are children at the ages of 1-10yrs old. Why i say so is cause they define the word daring and willingness to do and get what they want in love.



So happy birthday Leah, i hope you enjoyed your day yesterday cause you had everyone you loved most around you. I hope you grow into something even more prettier and beautiful then what you already are. MWAH LOVE YOU!!!




20 October 2005

Brilliant email about men

I got this email from a work colleague of mine., that it thought i would put up for all those females who has lost hope in the male species. Hope this gives you some extra hope that there are a few good men out there. the person who sent this email to me is a man but the person who wrote this email is a woman:

WORDS WRITTEN BY AN OBSERVANT WOMAN.

Good men are indeed all around us. We pass them on the streets, in the malls and the halls at work. Most we can't see because we don't know what a good man really looks like. He usually isn't flashy enough or rich enough to turn our heads.

He might not wear a suit or push a BMW. He might not have a "body like Vin Diesel with a Brad Pitt face". But, as you mature, you realize it's better to find someone who's got your back than someone who turns your head.

A good man doesn't agree whole heartedly with everything you say. He doesn't just tell you what you want to hear and do the opposite.

He doesn't declare how sensitive, sweet, caring, sincere, yada yada he is (he wont have to because it shows). He has his own opinions and you may clash, but he doesn't have to degrade you to prove he's right. He even admits at times to being wrong, especially if you are willing to do the same.

A good man is not going to meet every item on your checklist. He is human with frailties and faults mixed in with all of his wonderful, strong attributes. He needs your love and respect. He needs to feel that you don't live to "catch" him doing something wrong so you can declare, "Aha! I knew you were a dog!!"

A good man doesn't necessarily give you a huge birthday or Valentine's gift. He shows his love in the ways that are comfortable to him. Don't judge him by TV standards (...Bold and the Beautiful...). No one lives that fairy tale for real. You'll miss out on your own fairy tale by buying into the myth that our men are no good. It's just not true.

Men, we salute you, and thank you for who you are and all you've done.

Violation

Wow i am back again to air my views and vows on the past few months that have gone past.
it has surely been somewhat a surprise to me as to what has happened this past few months. i have so much to say but i dont really know where to start. but seeing as it looks like im going to have to break it up into individual blog posts. so as you can see the title of this blog is the main thing or somewhat the more serious of the matters that happened to me over the past few months. so here is the 411 on what happened.

So earlier this year i met one of my chat buddies for the first time in something like 2yrs. why we only met then was simply because he lives in one city and me in another. if he wanted to come to my city he had a choice of either taking a 2hr flight, a 10hour bus trip or a 5-6hour car trip to my city. Which is something that wasnt really on the map at the time. however he caught himself visiting his family who lives close to me and that is how we decided to meet. yes before meeting it seemed like if a relationship were to develop then it would be one of the best relationships i have ever been in.

Unfortunately i found out that as he kept telling me that he is single, he was however in a relationship already. Anyways i went through the whole phase of feeling depressed or whatever but it didnt last long. I thought oh well its over and done with nothing i can do but move on. which i did. However that was not the end, the surprise was yet to come. few months later he makes contact with me again and amazingly acts as if nothing happen. oh well as i was over him and put his crap behind me, we met up and chatted about the months that we did not talk to each other. apparently he went through alot and lost alot and realised who the true friends was that he had in his life. much to my surprise i was one of those true friends i didnt know how i was but hey i cant tell someone that they are wrong in their choice of company.

After a few weeks we ended up as a couple and man was that something i have always wanted but after a month i learned that what we always want in life is not always what we need and not always what it would seem like. anyways why we ended this was because he felt the need to violate my privacy, not that i had anything to hide from him or anyone for that matter. But what he did was unethical in my books. To me honestly it is worse then cheating which he basically already did.anyways he took my phone while i was asleep and he went through my messages and emails.

Unfortunately he found a text message that i dont think any partner would be happy about if they found it. It was a 4month old message between my ex and i. He however claimed that the message was sent while we were dating even though we started dating in August and the message is dated May. he still maintains that it was sent when we were dating. DID I MISS ANYTHING? since when does May come before August? well lol they always say there isnt smoke without a fire and yes there was fire. we broke up and miraculously two weeks later he suddenly finds himself in another relationship. QUICK? I think not, where there is smoke there is fire. he violated my privacy so he could cover up his hidden agenda yet i walked away with a clear conscience why cause i did nothing and he, well lets just say what he does from here on out is merely his choice, I AM DONE!!!!!!!!!!!