Turning 27

Its not easy for me when its my birthday. I feel down and depressed but my angel of a fiance reminded me of what i managed to do in my 26th year. I got a new job,i bought a few things for our place and i got engaged.im so happy

Ricardo

I cant believe you 10yrs old,i remember your birth like it was yesterday. You are turning into a talented young man. I watch you play your music and it brings tears to my eyes. You are special, love u kid

Engaged

A day i could never forget,i was down and depressed. My bf came around and i thought he was just tryna make me feel better. Little did i know we would get engaged. The words he said,the way he looked was unforgettable and earth shattering. It was amazing and the best feeling ever

2yr anniversary

Planned the day for a year,it could not have unfolded better then what it did. The past year was amazing we grew,we learned and most of all we loved

Your 28th birthday

A few days before your birthday i told you to take time and think about all your achievements at age 27. You did that and realised everything you did for yourself. Im so proud of you Gawain. 27 October 2010

20 October 2010

Ive been so busy lately,i barely have time to blog. On this day mentioned above i witnessed my neice's 5th birthday. As she sat opening her gifts all i could think about was the day she was born and her growth over the pass 5 years. Not a day goes by without her doing or saying something to catch your attention. Its true what the say children are a gift from god and we should cherish every moment we have with them. Leah you are one special little girl,you bring much joy to everyone in your life. I pray that god will be by your side and guide you all the days of your life. Happy birthday kiddo. We love you xxxx

Weird

Its odd how 1 minute you feel like you on top of the world and the next you feel like youve had the life sucked out of you.I dont know what it is or how it gets that way.I guess we all have our good days and then we are allowed to have our off days.Whats weird is that everyone including me never welcomes these off days.Not really thinking that it is ok to have them.Lol sometimes figuring life out is just super weird.

Happiness

Im sitting at my desk thinking about how different my life is now and how much more better my relationship is with my partner at the moment and this overwhelming feeling of happiness comes over me and i am all teared up. Over the past almost 2yrs we have possibly gone through almost each and every bad issue or problem a relationship could ever have and well at the end of the day we have gotten through it and gotten over it and we still remain together. Reminds me strongely about the saying that goes "God brought you to it and he will bring you through it" Im so glad i have the lord my god on my side cause i didnt think i could ever experience the happiness i am now.

Things between us now are so much more different and better, i can now truly feel like i am with someone who loves me for who i am and is not trying to change me. He has realised that the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, there are not many females out there who is like me. Most females today walk away when the tough times arise. But me i stuck it out, i fought for my relationship and what i believe in. I believed and never gave up on him and i did it all with the strength that god has given me. So today i can sit with tears of joy in my eyes cause i am sooo happy i dont think there is a word out there to describe the way i feel. I didnt think that my partner would be the person that he is now. Finally he can be him, without having to worry about whether he will get hurt in the process.A few weeks back when we had a heart to heart conversation he told me how he had felt about me and told me why he was the type of person he was and that is because he was hurt in the past and he doesnt blame me but he wants me to know that everything that we have gone through and everything we have put into the relationship will all be worth it in the end cause he can feel himself giving more to me and the relationship because i will not do to him what his past did and his confidant of that. he promised me that one day when i get to really experience who he really is then i would be happy cause he will be happy and he would make me happy and that day has come and i thank god that it is here.

On Saturday he spoke to one of his friends and told his friend that he cherishes me cause there is only one me and im one in a million and while he was saying that i was saying to someone else the same thing. How in sync are we? definitely in sync. My bestfriend met him for the first time and he told me that we are so well suited for each other so much so we fit like a glove and in these days and times of today we dont often find that but when we do we should hold on to what we have. I believe that we started with god and he is working his ways in our relationship and he always will.We are stronger today then what we were months ago and with each passing day we are growing closer and stronger and the bond we have is becoming more and more stable.

To be with someone like this and to feel the way i do about someone is a first for me. i always thought i knew what love was but i was proved wrong the day i met him. I find myself loving him more and more every single day and him me and god is making it possible for us to feel the way we do about each other.It is a feeling that i do not want to end and its a feeling that i want to keep in my heart and mind for many years to come. Im so happy and in love i think its crazy but its not. I found my knight in shining armour. i found my rose between the thorns and most of all i found the man i want to be with for the rest of my life.

The Loss

A week ago a drunken driver killed one of my most treasured possessions, My dog Sasha. He bumped her and then drove over her and sped off. Its been a week and still i am trying to deal with the fact that i no longer have her in my life.

My dad came home one day and told me he has a gift for me, cause i have been doing so well in school (my final year of school). He told me because i was constantly trying to better myself and constantly achieving things as i went along, that he was so proud of me and got me something that he knows i will look after and treasure for years. I ran out to the car as he told me i should look on the back seat of the car cause my gift was there. When i got to the back window curled up in a ball of think black fur laid my new rottweiler puppy sleeping. I was so happy i held her in my arms and we clicked instantly.

Over the years i watched her grow and watched her love me like i loved her, i watched her give birth to 12 beautiful little puppies and also watched her not try to kill my cat. She was the best dog i had and the best dog i would ever have. Next month she wouldve been 10yrs old if she was still alive. She was part of the family, i would talk to her and she would sit there looking at me as if she understood what i was saying. Everytime she would see me with a camera in my hand she would pose as if she knew i was going to take a pic of her. She was like someone who knew time cause she would bark and perform every single night at the same time as her way of asking where her food is. It didnt matter what time at night my bf would drop me at home, somehow, someway she would always know it was his car stopping infront of the door and once she knew she would put up such a racket, jumping up and down as if it was her way of asking where have you been.....lol

She was and is one in a million and i will always remember Sasha as she will always hold a special place in my heart, she was part of not only me but my entire family, cause she was and always will be family ~~~love you puppy

For Gawain

Kenny Latimore
" For You "


For you I give a lifetime of stablility, anything you want of me,nothing is
impossible. For you there are no words or ways to show my love or all the thoughts I'm thinking of 'Cause this life is no good alone since we've become one I've made a change everything I do now makes sense, all roads end, all I do is for you!

For you I share the cup of love that overflows and anyone who knows us
knows that I would change all faults I have. For you there is no low or high or in between of my heart that you haven't seen 'Cause I share all I have and am, nothing I've said is hard to understand and all I feel, I feel deeper still and always will all this love is for you!

Every note that I play, every word I might say, every melody I feel. Are only for you and your appeal. Every page that I write, everyday of my life would not be filled without the things That my love for you now brings

For you I'd make a promise of fidelity, now and for eternity. No one could replace this vow. For you I'd take your hand and heart and everything and add to them a wedding ring 'Cause this life is no good alone, since we've become one you're all I know And if this feeling should leave I'd die and here's why All I am is for you!

Everything I do now makes sense, all roads end and all I do...

Is for you

Only for you

New Month New Season

There is just something that happens, when the weather changes, it changes people. Which is for some really odd and for others actually understandable. i can vouch for the weather playing a part in moods, cause i am one of those people who gets highly affected by the weather changing. So what is upon us now is that as of the 1st September as the seasons would have it we have entered into Spring season. But by the looks of the weather i personally think that we will only really see a proper spring day in about a week or so.

Now to my point, i dont know there is just something about this change in season that has got me thinking about many things that has currently happened over the past few months. There was good moments and then there was bad moments, just like your typical rollercoaster. However this morning i just feel a sense of refreshed and renewed and calming mood over myself. I dont know where this comes from cause naturally i am not a morning person. So that is why i am putting it all down to the fact that the weather is changing. I actually think that there are people out there that would actually agree with me.

The past week felt like i was being tested in every sense, inch and emotion of my well being. I dont know whether i have passed the test or not but like i said this morning i just feel like i dont want the bad moments of the past few weeks and months to follow me into the new month and the new season. so how does one start all over again? i dont really know, all i did was close my eyes, woke up this morning went down on my knees, left for work and made up my mind that i will try my best to be all smiles as of now. For someone like me that would be hard but hey what do i have to lose trying? NOTHING!!!!!

22 months

Today we reached the 22 month mark of being together.What can be said that hasnt been said already?What god brought together,let no man tear it apart.Im happy,his happy and love holds us together and strenghthens us. dedicated to Gawain Johannes

Overwhelming Happiness

Every morning i find myself all moody etc, mainly because i am not a morning person. However this morning or shall i say today, i feel like this new person overwhelmed with happiness. Why mainly because things are finally starting to take shape, fall into place and feel so so right. A few months ago i had a taste of what i am feeling today but it got taken away from me for a period of about three months. I didnt know what to do cause i didnt know whether i could handle the situation i faced.

What i then did was the only thing i could do and that was go on my knees and turn to god. I spoke to him, told him how i feel and what was presently happening in my life. i told him to take over my life and i laid it all in his hands. if it is in his will, it will be and i trust in him. Its amazing how talking to god and trusting and believing him can turn things around. The turning point came two weeks ago, i knew about it, i could feel it but not as much as i can feel it this morning and the way i felt it last night. God allowed me to have the strength and talk to my partner about a problem we were having. Much to my surprise, my partner reacted in a way that he hasn't reacted in a while. He was sensitive and understanding and that was literally the third time since we started dating almost 2yrs ago that i was shown this side of him. He to then started speaking his heart and telling me how he feels and that right there was a turning point.

My partner turned into the person he is and not the one he was pretending to be all the time. He was himself, seeing him cry whilst speaking to me was such an amazing sight. Since then his been to me a very different man, when really he is finally being himself. His come to me this week to tell me that he thinks we should start thinking about our future again. We should start getting into buying things for our house again and that it is time for us to really start focusing on our future. Hearing those words come out of his mouth is something that i have been looking forward to for the past three months and i was at a point where i thought it is not going to happen and we were not going to have a future anymore. But i was wrong, since talking to him two weeks ago and him also talking about how he feels, things has definitely turned around and right now things are looking brighter and feels better and we are happy as we finally now are starting to put our relationship as a main focus.

Last night we sat down and ticked off everything we have already bought and made a list of everything that still needs to be bought and the most important thing that we mutually decided last night is that we will devote ourselves to going to church and spending more time worshipping and praising the man we have to owe it all to. He brought us together at a time when we both needed it. He gave us a chance to grow, he allowed us to build a strong relationship and his love for us will not end nor will he forsake us. We owe it all to the man above for allowing us and giving us a chance to be happier then what we have ever been before. The feeling is really undescribeable and all i can say is you have to experience it to know how it feels. Thank you lord for all you have done for us and for all you still plan on doing for us~~

A Mothers Cry

Over the past two days, i have been emailing one of my friends who is Australian and lives in Australia. She has recently found out that one of her son's has been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and to make matters worse her baby of a few months old is showing signs of it as well. She is a single mother who has 4 kids and the dad is just a useless piece of junk (in my eyes). He doesnt want to really be apart of his children's lives but when they need him to sign a parental consent for one of them to do something he kicks against the curb not wanting to sign anything and he is just plain difficult, making things even more difficult for my friend.

As we continue to talk about how she feels and what she is going through at the moment i can really sense that she is hurting, i mean this is her child. Regardless of the fact that she is a single mother, like every mother out there she loves her child and it is hurting her to be experiencing this in her life. i feel so bad cause i cant help her in anyway other then allow her to talk about how she feels and what this is doing to her. i must say yesterday talking to her she was freaking out not knowing how she will cope with the whole situation but i have tried to make her see things from all angles and i am glad to say that today she is feeling much much better.

This makes me think seeing as South Africa recently celebrated Womans day that this in a weird way is kind of fitting. It makes me think that us females are strong enough to with stand anything and everything that is thrown our way.We deal with it the best way we can possibly think of dealing with it which is a gift from GOD. he bring us to it and he will bring us through it if we allow it which i really think we should do. We as woman dont really realise our strength or the ability we have to handle things because we believe that we cant get through it but the minute we do, we are so amazed, Why i do not know.

I believe that God will see my friend through this time in life and help her in every way possible to get through this and allow her and her children to experience some happiness and see that tomorrow bring a brighter day. I will be as supportive as i can be all the way down here from South Africa and she knows it.

Motivation

Ever so now and then we all need a little bit of motivation or something that we all turn to that reminds us who we are and what we are capable of. Some of us go down on our knees and pray to the Lord our saviour to find what we are looking for. Others look to materialistic things like a favourite T Shirt or a favourite song or a favourite photo. Either way we all have something or someone that we turn to that we draw strength from or get motivation from.

Whenever i was feeling this way, craving for motivation or looking for it, there was only ever two places i would go to, to find what i was looking for. The one was just sitting and emailing my bestfriend who lives in the UK, she would put things in great perspective for me and it always use to help but we cant always rely on others to help us or be there for us as they also have lives to live and issues to over come. My second place was none other then sitting infront of my music player and listening to my favourite Eminem song - Sings for the Moment. Yes some might say this is weird and how would it give me what i need but until you have listened to it you will never know why.

Doing this was always something that helped me until one day i decided to change and find motivation somewhere else and much to my surprise it has done wonders. It didnt matter how low i was feeling or how depressed i was the minute i did my new thing i felt so much better. I started going down on my knees and having personal conversations with God. Even now sitting at my desk, i didnt have a very good evening and barely got any sleep yet i know in my heart of hearts that what i must do is pray and he will take away all the tiredness, frustration, depression and all those negative things that makes us feel this way.

Im glad that i have decided to look to god and trust and believe in him, since i have done this things has been amazing, yes it can not all change in a day but change is inevitable and god only helps those who helps themselves. Which is why i give him all the honour and all the praise cause he deserves it more then anyone else. For we all go through life by his strength and no one elses. So if you have been looking elsewhere for motivation, help or just a conversation i suggest you change and go down on your knees and make friends with the Lord for he is the start and he is the end.

Discussions

Monday morning and i must say that it actually doesnt feel like a monday or like they would dub it Blue Monday. I guess its because i got a good nights rest and also yesterday i spent the day with my boyfriend and his parents. We ended up having a discussion about us and whatever issues we had or thought we had. Which for me was actually a good thing as we barely do sit down and discuss issues so when the opportunity presented itself yesterday i welcomed it with open arms and im glad that he did too.

Over the past few weeks i havent really been happy and i have been having a few struggles and worries that was really getting to me with regards to our relationship. Much to my surprise he was actually paying attention to the way i have been acting the past few weeks and yesterday we sat down and discussed all our issues we thought we had. Whats funny is after our discussion we had realise that we didnt have big or major issues that would make things go wrong or that would cause break ups etc. you know those big or massive issues people have in their relationships that they just cant seem to work through. those type of issues we thought we had but after talking we realise that we were so wrong and so far off that it was shocking.

One of the best things he couldve said last night was that "no matter what issues or problems we have and had, we always over came it or over come it and we always work through it" and i thought well that is because we are trying to build a strong foundation and strong relationship. It was good to know that he thought that of us and that he had that confidance in our relationship, that we can overcome issues or problems. Its funny how us females always under estimate our partners. mainly because like me we always tend to want to do everything ourselves and dont believe or trust or have faith or even have alot of confidence in our partners to do alot for our relationships. we would rather feel comfortable doing it ourselves cause we think it would be done correctly not thinking that maybe just maybe if we gave our partners the credit and the opportunity to do something then it might even end up better then what we wouldve done or then what we thought.

Admittingly i am one of those females and as i told him yesterday that sometimes i feel a certain way because of things that use to happen in the past, can he blame me for feeling that way? and he said no he cant but i must learn to leave it in the past cause we as a couple has learned to move forward and again i need to learn to believe in him or have faith in his ability to do whats right. The minute i do that i will see the change i want to see and i think he has a point right there. As i said us females we believe that we should rather do certain things before our partner does it. One thing i can say is that i am feeling much better after discussing things with him and i am ready to allow our relationship to progress forward positively which means im starting to working on my "have faith in his ability" and believe that he is able and willing to also do as much as i do for us.

So now i need to chill and relax like one of my friends told me last week when i was talking to him about how i feel and he said i need to relax and allow my partner to show me that he does love me and he is committed to me and he does want a future with me. Odd thing is when i think about it now secretly i think Gawain knew after about a month that i was the one he wanted to get married to. Like he said one day, he would rather go through the storms of life with me then go through life with some one else~~~

Nough Said!!!!!!

Thank you - Jay Sean (dedicated to me by Gawain)

When I was down and out
You put your life on hold to be there for me
What can I say?
If ever you're in doubt
In case you haven't noticed
There's nothing I won't do to make it up

I just wanna thank you for all that you've done
If I never told you or showed you enough
I just wanna thank you for all that you've done
You were always there when I needed someone

I've been a victim of
All those things that women say
Us men don't do but I love you
But I never showed enough
Now you can hold me to this
There's nothing I won't do
Just show my love for you

I just wanna thank you for all that you've done
If I never told you or showed you enough
I just wanna thank you for all that you've done
You were always there when I needed someone

I would lie, I would try, I would die for you baby
You know I would for you

Gotta know that there'll be times when
I don't speak how I feel
It ain't like I don't appreciate all the things you do
It's just that I'm not as open as you
It ain't like you complain
But I just want to tell you all the same

I just wanna thank you for all that you've done
If I never told you or showed you enough
I just wanna thank you for all that you've done
You were always there when I needed someone

I just wanna thank you for all that you've done
If I never told you or showed you enough
I just wanna thank you for all that you've done
You were always there when I needed someone

I would lie, I would try, I would die for you baby
You know I would for you
I would lie, I would try, I would die for you baby
You know I would for you

Redirection of the mind

I dont know if i am the only one that does this, im sure i am not but have you ever decided on doing something and then you get all ampted up about it but then suddenly your mind redirects to the what if's? Dont you just hate it when that happens? i know i do and i cant fathom it, really! i dont know why it happens.

I sometimes think it happens to much, the tiniest little thing can make me redirect my mind. Like for example, i went out and did my whole transformation thing as per the post below and i was happy i started doing it. I felt great and i felt different and i liked it BUT i was really looking forward to one persons opinion on it and guess what that person didnt even comment. Even when i asked what the person thought all i got was a "yep twas nice" i sat there thinking WTF and that clearly has definitely put me off the whole transformation thing, question is: should i allow it????

Being the person that i am, i have a tendancy to really think things through before doing it however, keeping my mind set on it is a totally different thing.i think my biggest accomplishment at the moment that i have my mind set on is what i have arranged for myself and Gawain to celebrate our two year anniversary. If the way i planned it in my mind, works out on the day to what i want it to be or even better then i know that i can stop myself from redirecting my mind.

wow now i feel like im blabbering over crap lol but seriously how does one not allow this to happen? think we should all take the time to figure it out!!

Transformation

Apparently, i am not feminine enough lol, well i must admit that is kinda true. So lets see about 14yrs ago someone near and dear to me passed away from a disease called cysticfibrosis (disease of the lungs). We were like brother and sister and did almost everything together. When he died i told myself that i would remember him by continueing to do the things we enjoyed doing and that of course was when i became a tomboy. Since then i have done things like help fix the car, help paint the house, fix odd things around the house etc. All the kind of things we would expect our fathers, brothers, bf's etc to do i ended up doing.

With that came the dressing souly in jeans (sometimes baggy) and tees and lets not forget one of the most comfortable things they have ever invented, the sneaker. i must admit that as nice it is just to slap on something this easy it is time to start making some changes. so what i did to start all the changes was cut my very long hair at the time to above my ears and i shaved my legs something i told myself i would never do. but hey i ended up doing it and honestly i thought it would take alot out of me to keep doing the shaving etc but it hasnt. which probably means that its now like second nature to me to shave.

then i started wearing heels and oh my word i love heels (clearly the female in me coming out) however i rarely attend events or functions where it would require me to dress up and wear heels. so my next move was trim my brows, also something i thought was going to be hard and would take alot of time but again i was wrong, it comes natural to me now that i would look myself in the mirror and say "hold on sort those brows out". i added more to this transformation by taking my time in the shop looking for the ladies deodorant, hand creams, body lotions and good hair products. So i have that going for myself at the moment and its going really well.

But the main thing that i have been stalling to change was my dress sense, why?? cause i love my jeans and track pants. but over the past few weeks learned that i can still wear jeans but i just have to get a few pairs that shows my feminine side (thats peoples ways of saying feminine curves) and changes from tees to tops and sneakers to pumps. So i agree the jeans i will do, the tops mmmm yeah that i can do too but my sneakers! is it really necessary for me to give that up as well? cause if that is so im not smiling.

hey i have nothing to loose really so it wont kill me to try out this new thing. So all i can say right now is wish me luck, i hope i can pull off this girly thing that im going to be getting into. With the help of a few of my lady friends im sure i will be ok ( i hope, cause im shyt nervous lol can you believe it)

wish me luck!!!!!!!!

Frustration

Over the past two - three days i have been feeling majorly frustrated and i dont know why or maybe i do but im just not really as focused as to what it is. One thing i can say is that i hate feeling this way, makes me just want to stand and scream the mountains off and i find it odd. Its funny how one tiny little comment can change then entire mood or way of somethings for quite sometime whether it was intentional or not.

I do however know that this feeling will pass (hopefully soon) and i do know that im only going through this for some reason which i havent really even focused on finding out what the reason even is. i have been so spazzed lately i cant even focus correctly on whats going on around me. dont know my left from my right and i am emotional big time. i should really get down to what is making me feel this way and well really i think it has to do with my relationship and the way things are going right now.

Really now i wish all this can stop cause i cant take it anymore. cant we all just be left to love each other and be happy? does there always have to be a time that comes around where we hit rock bottom? i know i shouldnt be questioning the way things are going right now but its kinda hard not to and i mean i am only human and this is what we do. i really need to move on with my life and forget about the past few days, weeks and bad two months. as hard as it is this is something that needs to be done.

how will i do it, well i think a shopping spree is in order!!!!!!!

Rejuvenated

This morning i got up with this strong sense of rejuvenation and besides that i even got up in a good mood. Its 15h30pm and im still in that good mood, for someone who isnt a morning person this is like WOW to me. But i can honestly admit that i like it. I like this feeling and i hope i can continue to feel this way, today, tomorrow and for many more days to come. I do however know why i got up feeling this way and what i did to, how can i put it? release the shackles of morbidness that i have been feeling over the past two months (on and off that is).

You know how people can take sooooo much and then one day they just cant anymore and just put their foot down sighting "Enough is Enough, ive had it". I somewhat think that, that is where i found myself last night. However i didnt say those words but i definitely was thinking it. I just feel like right now, walking around morbit and always thinking negatively is not gonna get me to where i want to be and its definitely not gonna get me what i want.

So to reiterate what happened last night, after an eventful day of emotions i got home and sat down, counted till 10, breathed and went down on my knees. I spoke to the man above and i didnt find myself moaning, or nagging, or wishing. All i did was thank him for blessing me with life. For giving me the strength to get through each and everyday and allowing me to learn new things and experience life the way he wants me to. The end of that conversation definitely without a doubt in my mind changed my entire mindset and mood.

However i ended up getting a consolation prize, The past two months in my relationship it hasnt exactly been a bed of roses. We have been going through a very bad patch. Communication between us wasnt so great, things just wasnt on the right level like it use to be. As every relationship has its up's and its down's so does and did ours. So we went through about 6months of total and absolutely great up's and we were just left speeches as to how amazing things were and then the tiniest little issue knocked us off our high horse and we came falling down and have been struggling for the past two months to get through this bad phase.

Last night after speaking to my partner, we said quite a few things but the best thing that couldve been said last night came from him and it gave me this sense of confidance and happiness that yes we are on our way back up again. My consolation prize was my partner telling me "We always get through these bad phases". For me to see and hear a man say that is like concurring the world cause men they usually do not say how they feel or speak their minds very easily and he did that last night.

Today i feel like a somewhat new person and tomorrow i know that i will feel even better. Because i am not gonna let anything push me back into that morbid state i was in. A friend once told me that i need to stop looking at the negativity and stop looking back. In order for me to succeed in getting to where i want and how i want and what i want. i need to keep moving forward and stop being negative. As hard as it is for me cause i have been dubbed a very negative person who has a short temper that can stress easily, i definitely wanna try this positive thing, if the way i feel today is what positivity makes a person feel like. Then i definitely wanna be positive and think positively.

Its amazing what pray can do and what one little line of belief or positivity can do to boast one's mood.

Wish me luck for my new path, its not gonna be easy but, nothing ever is!

Conversations with God

Everyday i find myself learning something new, everyday i find myself in a different mood, everyday is just different from the other. We don't always do what our minds are set out to do but we do things as they come. The one thing that i know i do on a daily basis is have the most amazing conversations with God about two or three times a day. if there is one thing i wish for then it is to be able to hear him talk back to me. I would probably faint from excitement but i think it would go down well.

I enjoy those conversations cause i get to to say what i feel and whats exactly on my heart and i wont be judged for the way i feel or for what i am saying. the best part of it is, is that i feel closer to him with every single conversation. i feel so much better after speaking to him, it usually feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. the saying that goes "god only helps those who helps themselves" i can say comfortably that i believe that saying is true. however you would get some people who would say but how and where do i start.

The day should start with god and end with god, that is where you start. You wake up in the morning and you thank god for allowing you to wake up to another day and to face another day and to learn what that day brings. We often take this for grated and tend to forget that he must get all the honour and all the praise. many would say but we are only human however i believe that when you commit to something you should stick to your commitments.

When I'm feeling down or when I'm feeling really good about myself and the way things are going, not a day goes by where i do not take the time to go down on my knees and thank the man above. With him in our lives we can concur everything and anything. I recently went through a bad patch in my life and i asked myself why me? why should i always be the one to go through all of these things and then i realised that things happen for a reason and we should find out what that reason is.

There are people out there who goes through worse turmoils then i do and i should be thankful that i am able to find the strength to go through these things and learn. I know that even though i put my situations, my ups and downs in the hands of god. that i mustn't always expect him to do everything. its amazing how when you take the time out to have a conversation with god that you get this overwhelmingly great feeling come over you that brings you a sense of warmth and an automatic smile.

Its just such an awesome feeling that is sooo hard to explain. so i urge everyone to take the time out doesn't matter where or what time of the day but have your conversation with god i promise you he is listening and he is in that conversation more then you would've ever guessed~~

Wedding Diary 4

Yes the wedding is back on, after a month of hectic vibes and that bad dark cloud that was over us, things are starting to clear up and get back to the way it was again. Its amazing that the things you expect the least to help you get through bad and rough patches are the things that actually helps you. Sometimes i think we live in an odd world where nothing makes sense and at the same time it all makes perfect sense.

I guess god puts us in certain situations for a reason, to see how we will handle it however knowing that we can handle it. the saying that goes god brings you to it and will bring you through it, really is more then just a saying it is a fact and it is something that i have learned over the pass month. Gawain is learning more about me daily and i am learning more about him daily but what is more important is that we have learned to stick together and get through our obstacles together as one.

Every morning i wake up with him telling me how much he loves me and every morning i tell him how much i love him. We pray together and we believe in what we have and what god has given us. Glad we are taking each other by the hands and walking side by side into our future and continuing to build the relationship we have into a stronger one. I never thought it could get stronger then what it is now but i am wrong, never say never i guess cause everyday is a new day,filled with new challenges and lessons and we are ready to take it on.

Now to check my wedding list to see whatelse needs my attention :)

Stumbling Blocks

Suddenly my life has reached a stumbling block and right now i am at my wits end as i do not know what to do. Over the past month things has been the greatest between my partner and i. We had an argument about something that i thought at the time was so small it didnt carry any weight. I also thought at the time that after the argument and us apologising to each other that everything was fine and sorted and that we have moved on from there. I was wrong, my partners attitude started changing toward me and the relationship and things started looking different,until yesterday when his cup definitely over flowed and he came out with it and told me that he was still upset about that argument. So upset that he told me, he doesnt want to get married next year anymore. That crushed me and it hurt and like every other woman i reacted by bursting into tears.

He later on told me that he feels that he isnt ready to get married. He went on telling me why and well currently he feels like i keep throwing his sacrifices in his face as if i dont care and if it wasnt enough that he broke ties with certain people to be with me. maybe he is right about that but at the end of the day regardless of what he has to say i think he is just not ready to get married. its not that he doesnt want to be with me, its just that his just scared or not ready for marriage. Even though i feel hurt and crushed and all those other words. cried yesterday like a big baby and even cried myself to sleep last night at the end of the day there isnt much i can do but hope and pray that somehow someway god will bring us back to where we were over a month ago. When we were happy, we were doing things together and there was little to know fighting going on.

I love him and i want to be with him, i do believe that he does love me and that he does want to be with me. However things are just different for men then what it is for woman. Woman can adapt much easier then a man and they just find that committing to someone and something is easier then what it is for a man. I have gone down on my knees and prayed to god that he will keep us and bring us back to where were. Right now the only thing i can do is believe and trust in god and all his might and what he can do. This is now an essence of time and patiences and the only thing i can do is give this situation time and let god do his work. I pray that he will allow my partner to see that allowing something so small to come between us and we are something so big, will do nothing but break us down and if he doesnt want us to break down then he will stop allowing little things to come between us. I know God will make a way and i know God has brought us together and he has put us out for each other. I know he will keep us bonded.

Romans 1:17

"And Jesus said unto them ... , "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you."

Changes

Today has changed my mindset about somethings and mainly life big time. Not only have i experienced the joy of knowing that my friend gave birth to her little boy today but i also experienced pain two hours later. I got told by the person that i love more then anything and i would without a doubt do anything for that person and yes of course i am talking about my boyfriend Gawain, confirmed my worse fear ever. He confirmed or rather just took it upon himself to tell that the wedding we were or i was planning for the 29th October 2011, well he doesnt want to get married next year anymore.

That bit of information hit me so hard i didnt know whether i was sitting, standing, laying, sleeping, dreaming, nightmaring. Didnt know my left from my right, top from bottom i just got hit harder then i could ever imagine. I mean here we are every single month buying things for our future home and at the same time planning a wedding and well bam he hits me with that bit of information. All i said was thank you for letting me know and i left the conversation without getting a why, how come or anything like that. i couldnt bring myself to asking or finding out because i didnt really expect it.

Im sitting at my desk now not knowing which way forward and not really sure what i should think. All i know is that i am really hurt and dont know how to react other then ball my eyes out every few seconds of the day as i cant contain my emotions as this wouldve been one of the biggest days of not just my life but his and his parents and my parents and our families. atleast not many people from my end knew about the wedding including my parents. So yeah thats the easy part, there isnt alot of people to tell from my end. but many know from his side, so he is going to have to tell them that he no longer wants to get married. As for me i guess i will rather allow this to strength me.

New Life

On this day at 10h20 South African time and 9h20 British time, a little baby boy was born. My bestfriend of 5yrs gave birth to her 3rd child after quite a few years. Bringing another life into this world is not something that i have experienced yet. However new life brought into this world is a gift from god and changes everything. I have experience of two new lives coming into mine and my home in a form of my nephew and neice.

They are so precious and so special, a day doesnt go by where there isnt something new they teach me something and where they dont learn something from me. Before they were born things at home was dull and boring. Yet now you find little feet running around, you hear fine and tiny little voices and most of us well everyone doesnt like being woken up early but hey that the duty of a kid. I personally cant wait for the day when its my turn. I dont know whether i will be ready but what do know is that my life will change even more then what it has over the past two years.

To Lisa, even though you have done the mummy thing already with Kieran and Shannon, there is no greater feeling then having to do it again. I know that you already are the coolest mum i know and that baby could not have asked for someone better to be his mum. I hope he will bring you as much joy as his brother and sister and i hope that he keeps them short and remind them daily that his the youngest and he can get anyways with anything and everything LOL. i cant wait to see baby until then and until he gets his name, Congrats Lisa and Terry he is a gift in a way that you least expect it and let the good times and nappy changing begin :)

Wedding Diary 3

So with 529 days to go to the big day, i guess its time to reflect on the colours of the wedding, how exciting :). We just started talking and suddenly the colour choosing came up and much to i surprise well to my surprise, as hard as i thought it was going to be choosing the right colour, it wasnt hard at all. We didnt want to choose the same colours of weddings we have attended already so for me the task was kinda going to be a mission. But Gawain came to the rescue and made the decision for us much easier.

We both wanted black as our base colour as we have attended alot of functions not just weddings where their base colour and decor was white. So we said as we want our wedding to be different and unique we want the base colour black. Then we took my favourite colour and matched it with the black and decided against it for the mere that it is such a common colour and many people use it. So black and blue was a no, no. We then matched his favourite colour with the black and well what cant i say other then breathtaking. His facvourite colour is Wine Red and when you add that to the black you get those most amazing blend of colour and gives a sense of romance and intimacy. Which is nice to add up to a theme which is what our wedding is. but will have that in the next wedding diary.

However cause the two colours are dark i thought we needed a bright colour to break it and just have that sense of romantic yet everything put well together. I suggested we break the dark colours with Silver cause once again we steered away from white. He liked the silver and bam a smile from me and a smile from Mr Johannes. We knew immediately that we had come to a conclusion and that was the colours of our wedding.

Black, Wine Red & Silver.

Cant wait for the 500 days to be over so we could be closer to the wedding. I love the colour and it will make our guests see just how much we love each other and what we feel for each other which is exactly what we want.

End of the weekend

As we are at the end of the weekend,all i can say is,it was average.Friday there was some tension between us.Saturday we seemed to be walking away together holding hands from that dark cloud that was above us.Today we seemed to have ease back to being us again.Im hoping we can keep it this way and get better and love each other more and stronger with each passing hour.In his words we had a fairly quiet weekend.After the week we had i agree with him in saying the weekend was average.Now all we do is keep moving forward.

Dark Cloud Above Us

You know i know there is a saying that goes, every up has its down and what goes up must come down. But i never really thought it would really come to par. I mean come on give me a break, all my relationships has always been starting off with an up and the minute it went down it stayed down and 9 outta 10 i got my ass kicked to the curb, i got my heart broken. I am a seriously, severely hurt female due to past relationships but you know what after all of those mishaps i have never been stronger. i have learned and with learning become stronger.

I am now so inlove with a man and i didnt know that i could ever love someone again and this much. everyday is a new day and everyday brings new challenges. We have been together for 1 1/2yrs and it has definitely not been the easiest of things but we have managed to get through each day no matter how hard or how easy it is. Over the past few months our relationship has been absolutely top class. i wake up every morning smiling cause it is just amazing. there isnt a word out there that i can think of that describes just how great our relationship has been. Yet here comes that stupid saying every up has its down.

Over the past two weeks things hasnt really been to good due to a slight argument and even though it was supressed and to me solved i was hopelessly wrong and find myself in a position today that i wish i wasnt in. I only hope that is this going to continue to make up and build our relationship instead of break us.Yesterday the supressed feelings and thoughts of the man of my dreams cup just over flowed. he could no longer keep it surpressed. I do admit i triggered it by making such a STUPID comment which has now led us to where we are at today. Not talking, i havent slept properly last night, i have a hell of a headache and i dont know how he is coping. we often underestimate our men by thinking they are heartless and cant feel the way we feel. well news flash ladies, as hard as it can get for us so does it for men. they hurt to, they have feelings as well and they go through everything we go through except our periods.

I feel like shyt to use a better word yet i dont care how i feel i am more worried about him and what his feeling and what his thinking then myself. He is more important right now and all i want is for this dam dark cloud that has just shimmied its dam way over our relationship to bugger off. We were close to perfect, cause nothing in live is perfect yet we try to get close to it and that where we were and that is where both of us would like to be again. We have both sacrificed so much for our relationship and we have both been working so hard at what we have right now. I just want that cloud to find a spot somewhere else and away from us.

We love each other, we want to be together, we are building a future. Enough with the negativity and leave us be!!!!!!!

Trying to solve it

Today we officially have 533 days to go till the big day. Seems so far but when we really start to get into the planning and arranging of it closer to the time, time will without a doubt fly. Part of me cant wait for that time and part of me well doesn't want that to come, in fear that it might just effect us in a bad way which is not what we are going to need. But hey i guess we are going to have to wait and see what happens and how things end up.

With this in mind, i thought i am not really going to be reflecting today on the progress of the wedding as i can do that again tomorrow. Today i will reflect on current happenings in an effort to bond my relationship with Gawain to what it was. Over the past say two weeks things hasn't really been so great between us. However from an outsiders prospective they would say we seem so happy and we look awesome together (that we know lol). Recent weeks has brought a bit of a down slide for us, somehow, someway we don't really know how it got that way. All we know is that it has to stop and we need to make our way back to being on track with our plans.

I can only speak for myself when i say that i am partly to blame for what is happening cause not only is it hormonal but, i have been battling to cope with the distance between us and i am at a point where i hate saying good bye to him at the end of the night. Im constantly wishing that we were at that stage already that when i travel home at night from work, i want to be traveling towards our home. i want to get home and start making supper for him or with him. i am at a point where, when i get into bed at night i want him to be next to me. All of this has contributed to my attitude over the pass two weeks not really realizing that it would end up effecting my relationship negatively. Oh and lets not forget that i think i am busy turning into a bride-zilla. Always panicking and stressing as to whether or not things are going to go as planned on the big day and i always end up so depressed i take it out on him. When honestly i should be more confident in him and confidence that the day will go exactly the way we want it to go.

Which again is a negative effect on us as well. So what am i going to do to try and curb this constant mood swings and down slides? The only thing i can do is speak less to him about the wedding. only answer him on it when he asks that way he wont feel like im stressing him or pressurizing him about it. As for coping with the distance and not being able to see him when i want and be around him when i want. Uhm i guess the only thing i can do there is show him how appreciative i am of him coming to me when he can and him being there for me when he can and him making time for me when he can. Rather then moan about only being able to see him weekends. Cause at the end of the day we will get to the point where right now is where i would rather be and that is married, in a house, enjoying each others presence and just constantly working on the amazing relationship we have.

i hope i can stick to this, i know i can, i think i can. Being with him this past year and a half was not easy but it is and was worth it and when we will get to the point where we are married and together, we will sit back switch on the pc come to this blog, read it and go wow i was badly moody back then or just sit and reflect on what it was like. For now i am focused not only on our wedding but i am focused on my relationship with the man i dub the love of my life and that is a fact that i am quite comfortable with to say yes he definitely is that.

I LOVE YOU GAWAIN

Everyday i love you more and more,I thought i had loved before but,i was wrong.This is a whole new experience for me cause i never knew a love like this could ever exist let alone experience it. Its not that i never knew a love like this could exist its more me never knowing that i would end up loving someone as much as i do you. We have had our fair share of up's and down's yet, all of those has molded who we are and what kinda relationship we have. It has bonded us and given us new meaning to life and love. Like you told me once "No longer are we flying in the wind and rain, we are above the clouds and the view from here is awesome" no one couldve said those words better then you. But regardless of what we have been through, going through and have yet to face and experience. At the end of the day and at the end of it all the only things that matters is that what we have is real and we love each other more with each passing hour.

Love always and Forever~~

Wedding Diary 2

So today this diary is about the catering we will be having at the wedding. So i have contacted possibly over about 30 different caterers with regards to doing the food at the wedding and thats besides all the venues i have contacted. The venues we have looked at or the ones i have emailed which is possibly over 40 all has their own restaurants with set menus that they work with and they are not exactly the cheapest set menus i have ever seen. The minimum quote i received was possibly about R170 per person.

Now if i were to pay R170 per person for food then i would be paying more for food then i would be paying for the venue and my FI would get a heart attack with prices like that. After sitting down and discussing this aspect of the wedding. We went on to decide that we have no guarantee that if we pay so much per person that all our guests would get a satisfactory meal or would be filled with what is served to them. As my FI is not as open minded as i am and he doesnt really like to try new things. He said he thinks it would be best if we stick to the things we know. That is actually his favourite line when it comes to eating out or going places on weekends. he suggested that we do what his parents had done for catering at his fathers 50th birthday. That was to contact companies who do spitbraai's. We know that the amount of food these companies cater for is always more then the amount of people who are at the functions. So naturally i thought he was on to something and that i should contact a few companies and get a few quotes.

Low and behold i came across a few of these companies who does a full 3 course meal for functions for as little as R120 per person and these prices includes crockery and cutlery and staff needed on the day. That is basically the price his parents paid per person for his dads function and the food on the day was nice and everyone was happy. I told my FI about it and he was smiling from ear to ear. Another touch of difference from us on the day just the way we want it as not many people have spit braai's at their weddings. Another aspect would be that we want everyone to say wow that is so you too and we know with that they will definately be saying that.

So its settled for our guests who hasnt experienced a spit braai yet, they will on our day. To our guests who hasnt attended a wedding yet where the menu is a spitbraai well they will be on our day. The more i get into the planning of our wedding, the more excited i get with all the new ideas that gets thrown at me daily. This morning one of my bridesmaids told me that my FI told his bestman about the venue and food plans etc and he is very excited about our wedding and he seems extremely inlove with me mmmmmmmmmmmmm that was nice to hear but he shows me daily and people saying it to just makes this wedding and my mr all the more special then what it and he already is!!!

Wedding Diary 1

So alot has happened as far as the wedding is concerned, to others, i would seem crazy as the wedding is only taking place on the 29th October 2011. But hey i am a perfectionist and even though nothing in life is perfect we can atleast try to get things as close to perfect as possible. That is why i have decided along with my partner on quite a few things already. People might ask why we would want certain things but our MAIN aim's for our wedding is unique and different. So we are, well i am, trying to have our wedding as unique and different as possible.

Right we have visited three venues already, namely Welgelee, Webersburg & Hathersage. I will admit that all three of these venues viewed was absolutely beauty. Welgelee (www.welgelee.com) allows us to bring in our own decor people and caterers which is the idea we have and want. They give a whole bunch of added things with the set venue price. The scenery is beautiful as the venue is set in a place called Klapmuts. we have the view of the mountains behind us as well as other wineyards. They also have horses which runs around in the back of their reception lapa (very nice). The down fall of the place is that its small and gives a sense of squashed feeling. It is suitable, but to us, for small and romantic, close and initimate weddings only. It definitely is ideal for those types of weddings but not for our wedding and the amount of guests we plan on inviting. we dont think that Welgelee would be the place for us however out of the three venues it takes the 2nd spot for obvious reasons that their rates and allowances are exactly what we are looking for.

Webersburg (www.webersburg.co.za) also set in the stellenbosch area is last on our list not only is it over our budget by three times but their additives is not exactly what we want. We are also not allowed to use our own caterer so you can imagine just how much they charge per person for the meals. the views and venue is nice dont get me wrong but we would like our guest driving towards the place and along side it saying before they even get inside "this is gawain and cindy" . Our guests will definitely not be saying that when they see this place instead they will say that we are trying to pretend we are people that we are not and never will be. So that is why unfortunately they have our number three spot.

As they say you save the best for last, saturday the 8th May 2010 we view our third and instantly number 1 venue. Hathersage House (www.hathersage.co.za) set in the lush and quiet tranquil area of Somerset West. Not only is the venue closer to where Gawain lives but most of our guests live near there as well. They also allow us to bring our own catering and do our own decor and the place is just a jaw dropper. We had our viewing at 12h30 and at 10pm the evening i was still dumbstruck over the beauty of the place. As we drove in, we drove along a river and on both sides of us theres vines and trees and oh my hat nothing i can say will make up for the beauty of the venue. The place is amazing, both of us fell inlove with the place and we have been invited to come and view it again when there is an evening function just to see how it looks like at night. However as far as i am concerned we have found our venue and will in the words of my partner " i think we have found our venue". We have a provisional booking with this place and hopefully by the end of the week we will know whether this is going to be the venue for our big day or not. 9 outta 10 times it is going to be the one we are going to get married at.

Once we have decided on a venue, i believe everything else will fall into place and once that happens i know everything will go smoothly and fall into place as it rightfully should. I hope this all works out the way we want it to, so it can be as memorable as possible and as amazing as we want it to be. As we are only getting married once~~

Wedding Plans

Unofficially i am getting married on the 29th October 2011. That date is of course of significance and even though we are a year and a half away. This blog will help me vent and also be a reminder after the wedding of everything that i have been through.

Right i found out December 2009 that my loving boyfriend wants to marry me. However it took us alot to get to that point and for him to actually bring up the so called M word. lol i dont know what it is with men and marriage but maybe some day i will understand. So after much discussion we have entered into a 2yr plan on the 06th December 2009 after a very emotional conversation. Since then we have started with the plan and seem to be 100% on track with what we want to do for this year.

However plans for next year which is the year of the wedding is not going to well. Im currently doing everything alone and its becoming stressful and frustrating. however i am sure that in time things will be great and we will have a wonderful wedding. just the way we both want it to be.

For now i guess we will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. will open a new post tomorrow on further developments :)

Update

Hopefully I can keep this short

Just an update on whats been happening thats good this year. Right so everyone said that because 2009 wasnt a good year for most and they feel like 2010 will be a better year. Seems i would have to agree with everyone who has said so. From a personal point i have had a few good things happen to me this year thus far and we are only 5 months into the year. Time flies when you are busy and when you are having fun.

What has happened:

I got a new job

met a bunch of new friends

joined one of the most fun websites ever

planning a wedding (mine finally)

The Johannes and Martin family gets on like a house on fire (my bf family and mine)

like my new boss

like the new area im working in

like the work

starting to enjoy watching rugby (which i never thought i would)

preparing to witness one of the biggest sports events in South African history 2010 fifa world cup

This year is only getting better and better. The more good things happen to us and me the more i will come on here and post them up for all to see

Hope everyone is having a good time like me

2010

2010 what exactly does this new year have in store for us.

Well like every other normal person, each and everyone of us has something we would like to do or a new years resolution. Some of us just have one and some of us has more then one. but who of us really has the time or makes the time to actually go ahead and try to complete or fulfill this resolution?

Do i have any for this year? yes of course i do but i can tell you one thing if you didnt already know. It is not as easy as it seems when you think of it in your mind. its like my boyfriend always says "its useless when you just thinking of it and know what you want in your mind. you need to act on it and if you dont know how or you scared your going to forget well then get a pen and paper and write it down". Chances are me being me i have a tendancy only to listen if it matters to me lol.

But he is right the only way besides motivation for us to complete these resolutions and things to do is to put pen to paper and start following through from there. That way we will know for sure what exactly it is that we want and how we want it and obviously from that point on we can decide on HOW TO GET IT.

Heres to 2010, i hope all of you who has something important that they would like to do and has a whole heap of resolutions or maybe just one. i hope we can all accomplish what we set out to do.

we may not know what 2010 has in store for us but we sure know that we can pave the way towards what we want in this year!!!!!!!